(song: "We Don't Talk Anymore" - Alex Aiono & Diamond White)

"You're pregnant?" My father said in disbelief.

     My father and I were sitting at the dinner table. I had specifically planned for us to have a dinner together instead of our usual routine of eating separately. After I was sure that he cleared his plate I plainly told him that I was pregnant.

     I could see my father's usually distant features change to anger.

    "How could you do something so stupid? You're still in high-school, you're going to throw your whole life away!" He said with complete frustration.

    "Like you're not throwing your life away by drinking yourself to death?" I shot back.

     I'd never voiced my feelings so coldly about my father's drinking. I usually tried to sugarcoat my approach to his drinking by suggesting him to have only one or two beers.

      He rose to his feet and snapped at me, "What I'm dealing with is different!"

      "No, it's not! I lost them too, Dad! Mom and Eddie are gone, and they're not coming back. I know you blame me and hate me for taking them away!" I stood and screamed at him with burning eyes.

     He froze in position. He didn't look angry or upset. His expression reminded me more of the shock I'd seen on Patrick's features when I broke up with him.

      My father fell back down into his chair with heavy legs. He stared at his empty plate.

      "Is that really, what you believe, Jenny? That I drink because I'm trying to keep from blaming you for their deaths?" He asked.

      "Well isn't that it? Ever since I told you what really happened you treated me differently!"

      "Sit down."

      "But—"

      "Sit down!"

     I obeyed and lowered into my seat again.

     "I drink because I blame myself, not you, Jenny. I couldn't stop thinking that if I'd driven you and your brother to school instead of your mother, I'd have taken a different route and everyone would still be alive. I can't stop playing in my head over and over your mother asking me, 'Honey, can you take the kids to school?'. My response is like a broken record I can't change. I told her that I couldn't because I had to go see Steve to sign for the stupid shop. One decision changed our lives. . ." his voice trailed and his eyes looked towards where his liquor stash was.

     "Drinking is the only thing that quiets my head. It helps me to keep from focusing on how much I destroyed our lives," He finished.

    Suddenly, I understood everything. My father and I were the same. We both blamed ourselves and we both thought that we were destroying each others lives.

    I abandoned my chair to run over to him and hug onto him. I tried desperately to hold onto the sober piece of him. The piece of him that was the father I knew before the accident.

    His arms surrounded me and for the first time in a long time, I felt like we finally were getting closure.

    "I love you, Dad," I murmured.

    "I love you too, Jenny," he sighed. "Listen, I'll go back to AA, I will. I know I'll make mistakes, and I know I've been a crap-deal of a dad to you."

    I nodded slowly. I really wanted to believe him this time. I hoped that finally this would be the push he needed to get sober and be the father I once had.

    "But, Jenny, this baby. . .I don't think you should keep it," he admitted honestly. "You are still young and have a whole life ahead of you. If you have this baby now, you're going to make your life so difficult before it even gets a chance to start."

    "I know, Dad. Can you please just support me? This is a decision I have to make on my own."

    "I just want you to understand exactly what you're risking," he warned.

    I squeezed my father a little tighter and just held onto the moment. I understood everything my father was saying, but this was my body and my child inside me. I had to make the choices for them, not anyone else. Whatever I decided I'd have to live with for the rest of my life.

A week had passed and school had become a cold war stand-off. Patrick and I didn't speak, we didn't even make eye-contact. Every-time I caught a glimpse of him he was focused on either studying or with his friends from track. All of Patrick's friends no longer spoke to me either. I'd become a social outcast completely for dumping the schools golden-boy.

     At lunch Selena comforted me by rubbing my back.

    "You'll always have me," she reminded me.

     I really owed everything to Selena. She agreed to go with me to my doctors appointments to consider my options and to the student counselor. I wanted to keep my pregnancy private and not linked to Patrick. That meant there was no way I could continue to stay at my school. I would have to do night school or independent studies.

      My father had also managed a full week of sobriety.

     "Easton told me that Patrick's going to be moving to California after graduation," Selena brought up the topic hesitantly. "Sorry, I wasn't going to tell you, but I thought you should know."

     "No, that's okay. I'm glad you told me," I said with a forced smile. "I mean, I wanted him to do that anyway. He should chase after his dreams."

     "You know if you do the independent studies you could do a bit of community college and then join me at the University. You don't have to just settle for being a waitress or a cocktail girl," Selena informed me gently.

     "I won't be able to do that if I keep this baby. . ."

     "Well, maybe that's why you might want to consider adoption. There's a lot of families out there looking for kids. You could give them one," she suggested.

     I finished off my salad and apple slices. My diet had changed with the pregnancy cravings for fruit. "I know, I just wonder if I could live with myself knowing that the life I brought into the world is out there with some strange family."

     "The families are screened. They are usually really financially and mentally stable families. They make sure babies are placed with people who can give your baby a better life than you could give her."

    That stung.

     "Wow, 'a better life than I could give her'? That's such an ego punch you know? Feels like I could never give a kid a good life."

    Selena realized how bad what she said must have sounded. She tried her best to fix it. "Not never, Jenn. Just not right now."

    "I know what you mean, but still. It doesn't make this whole situation suck any less. No matter what I decide it's not easy and it's going to hurt."

     Selena bit the corner of her mouth, she was suddenly not so confident about her suggestions because she couldn't relate to my situation. "I still think you should tell, Patrick the truth. The only other person who can understand what you're going through would be him, the father of the baby."

     I turned my head to look across the cafeteria to where Patrick sat. At the exact moment I dared to look at him, he looked back at me.

     Our eyes met and I felt the electricity. The connection was still there. My desire for him and my heart still belonged on that side of the room with him.

     We shared a moment of searching out each other gaze and then the moment ended.

     "Maybe one day I will tell him, just not today. . ."