(song: "Everytime" - Broods )

I felt completely naked and raw. All my truths were open like fresh fruit sliced in half. I couldn't hide anymore.

     Patrick now knew the truth.

     "Because I threw a tantrum in the car, my mother and brother are gone and my father returned to alcoholism. I killed my family." I'd never actually said that out-loud before. It made my heart feel sore inside of me.

     I touched the ink on my skin. "These tattoos on me? They are here to cover the scars from my accident and each one represents those three minutes, three people and the choices I could have made to save them, but didn't."

     Everyone around us on the beach were having a great time with building sand castle dreams and summer bodies. The only dark-spots were the two of us. My sad expression was mirrored by his face.

     He hadn't moved the whole time I spoke to him.

     "Jenn. . .?" His clear eyes lifted to look at mine.

     "Yes?" I answered quietly.

     "No more hiding from me. No more secrets." His voice was firm. He wasn't demanding this, it was more like he was stating a condition for us.

     I looked down. I couldn't face him anymore. "You already know the worst thing about me."

     Patrick still hadn't made an effort to move towards or away from me. "What did Chuck say when you told him this?"

     Chuck was the last person I even wanted to think about. I strained my memory to try and come up with the answer. It was hard to say the words without feeling my voice falter. "Chuck is just attracted to people that are damaged. Like. . .it makes him feel superior to have people like that around him. You know? He said. . .that I was so broken. . .and that I should feel lucky he was still into me."

     He was silent again. It made me feel like I had to say something before he could.

     "Patrick, I know you're a nice guy, but if you want to get out of whatever this is between us, you can. I won't get mad if you leave—"

     "Let's get something straight. It's not a 'whatever', it's dating—" He interrupted.

     Patrick finally took steps and with each one he moved closer towards me. He didn't stop until he stood so close to me that I felt the heat of his skin faintly against mine.

     "You're not broken, Jenn. Hey, do you hear me?" His hands reached up to hold the sides of my face with tenderness.

     "You are not broken, you are hurting. You've been locked in self-blame for years. You were eleven-years-old and it wasn't your fault. A lot of things created the accident. You said your mother was rushing, and the roads were slippery and the truck lost control. None of those things were in your control. I don't think your mother would be happy with you just taking all the guilt on."

     "But it was my fault." I tearfully was convinced of this.

     "Remember I told you that I was a twin? The doctors said I was the reason my twin brother died. He wasn't able to develop properly because of me, and doctors didn't go in to operate because they didn't want to put me at risk. So, technically, I guess you could say I unintentionally ended my brothers life too."

     "That's different, Patrick. You were a baby, you didn't do it on purpose."

     Patrick smiled softly. "Exactly. Accidents happen, Jenn. So stop blaming yourself."

     He sucked in a breath of air through his teeth and pressed his forehead against mine. "I was going to wait until we got back to Vegas to tell you, but I am not going to Stanford. I am applying for in-state. I'm going to stay in Vegas, because I want to be near my girlfriend, who drives me crazy because she won't just admit that she's my girlfriend. . ."

     My heart pounded so hard. He wasn't going to leave me. I hadn't scared him off.

     It was my turn to reach my hands up to press over his.

     His words felt so bittersweet.

     "Patrick, I don't want you to stay in Vegas just because of me. I want you to have the best future you can."

     He let our noses briefly touch and we closed our eyes. "Let me worry about my future. Just no more secrets."

     I could feel his lips and it made me smile. "Okay, no more keeping secrets from my boyfriend."

     Patrick released a sound of satisfaction. "Mm, I like you calling me that. Can you say it again?"

     I kissed his lips soft and briefly. "You are my boyfriend."

     "And one more time," he whispered against me.

     "You are my stubborn boyfriend. . ."

     We kissed again. He held onto me tightly and I did the same. I mentally told myself that I would no longer deny myself or my feelings for him. I would give in with everything I had. 

India's family had an adorable beach house in Santa Monica and everyone had decided to spend the night before leaving the following morning. 

     The seven of us sat in a semi-circle on the floor in the living room, freshly showered and dressed. Patrick's fingertips were visibly laced with mine.

     Having Patrick for a boyfriend felt so different from how it felt with Chuck. With Patrick I felt like my stomach was constantly doing back-flips every-time he so much as looked at me. His acceptance of my truth, made me feel like he saw me as his equal.

     I didn't have to hold back on my feelings or attachments anymore. I felt a drug-high off him.

     "You two make me sick, you're so in-love." India joked while she passed around a plate of crackers and cheese.

     Patrick didn't protest her words or even say anything really. He just glanced in my direction and smiled. It made me smile too.

     We were supposed to be watching the dinosaur movie that blared loudly on the large flat screen in front of us. I couldn't really focus on it. All I wanted to do was just be with Patrick. Marcus looked really into the movie. He kept pointing out when his favorite scenes would appear. Selena would lean towards Easton and exchange quiet, secret dialogue with him and he would either smile or laugh.

     Summer wouldn't stop looking at Patrick and I disapprovingly.

     "So. . .for the sleeping situation. Since my parents are here and are really old-fashioned, I think it's best if we have the girls all sleep in one room and the boys in the other room. Sound good to everyone?" India asked.

     We all agreed.

     Everyone exchanged their good nights and when it came time for Patrick and I to part I couldn't bring myself to let go of him.

     He hooked his index finger against mine. "I'll still be here in the morning, Jenn. I won't be gone."

     "I feel like if you let go, I'll wake up and everything was a dream," I said while I sweetly swung his hand just a little bit.

     Patrick bent close and whispered. "Meet me in the attic in an hour. . ."

     With those final words, I released him and turned to join the girls in India's room at the end of a long hall. Selena's face glowed, she told me about her 'swimming lessons' with Easton and how they talked about what she'd study in college. Even though she wouldn't admit it, I knew without a doubt that she had feelings for him.

     She was just in denial, like I had been with Patrick, and like I'd never be again.

     When the lights were off and conversation faded into soft, sleepy snores I planned my escape. There was a rush, a sort of thrill in knowing I was sneaking off. I was careful when I stepped over Summer's sleeping bag and India, who tossed in her sleep way too much.

     I walked on my tip-toes with my white-socks on the old wood paneled floor and prayed that it wouldn't creak.

     The way to the attic was a narrowly intimidating staircase that lead to a thin wooden door. I could see the door was already cracked open and moonlight was casting a beam through it. I tried to be light as a feather with my steps until I reached the top and pushed the door open further.

     I expected a creepy attic filled with spiders and dusty boxes, but it wasn't. It was set-up to look like it could have been a child's playroom at one point. There was a vanity, rugs, some beanbags and toy chests. The two windows provided ample moonlight at night and sunlight during the day.

     Patrick laid against the rug gazing up at the night sky, probably looking for any visible stars.

     I quietly joined his side and felt his arm draw me in close. For a moment we watched the sky silently together. Innocent and smitten with one another, but then the feelings grew. I could feel Patrick's hands get warmer and I knew he was trying to build up courage.

     "I don't mind," I said to put him at ease.

     "What?" He said quickly and nervously.

     I tried to make things clearer for him. I rolled from his side to instead sit on top of him. I craned down my neck and kissed his cheek. "If you want me, you can have me."

     Patrick looked at me hesitantly with light beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He was usually so confident, but now I could definitely tell he was a virgin. With kissing he was an expert, but with what I was offering him he suddenly seemed self-conscious about it.

     I would guide him. I let our lips crash together, and that seemed to give him the strength he needed. His arms gripped me. Tangling limbs, messy hair and hot breaths. I never wanted anything or anyone as much as I wanted him, but then it occurred to me that first times were supposed to be special.

     India's childhood playroom in the attic above where all our friends slept was not special.

     Our pace broke along with our kiss. My fingers had grasped at his shirt and I felt his fingers fumble to touch the back of my bra and then stop.

     "Jenn, you know I want this—really, really want this," he said while he panted.

     I knew where this was going.

     I tried to gently hush him. "Shh, I know. Not the right place or the right time."

     "But next time, you better be prepared, because I'm going to blow your mind with my mad, extensive bedroom skills." He joked with such an adorable expression that I wanted to bite his nose.

     I laid against him with a wide smile. I knew what boys were like the first time: clumsy and awkward. I didn't care, as long as I was with him that's what mattered. My fingers traced his collarbone and felt his shoulders. Warm, beautiful and all mine.

     We counted stars and stared into each others eyes. With stolen kisses under the night sky and fingers entwined.

     I knew without a doubt that he would be the great romance of my life.

     I thought to myself that I wanted a future with Patrick, a life with him and that finally I could picture it. I would never keep anything from him again and day-by-day I'd come to love him more.

     I didn't know that there would be one more secret I'd have to keep.