I never was the trusting type. 

Too many times had bullshit and broken promises spewed from the mouths of those around me. Those who swore they would never hurt me were the ones who invoked the most pain. The hands that had once embraced me were the same used for assault. Those who said they would never leave me were the same faint shadows that I watched disappear from my life forever.

So, if you had told me that joining the Survey Corps would result in me falling in love, I would have beat the living shit out of you. What a cruel joke...

I had convinced myself long ago that love wasn't essential for my survival, that it wasn't worth my time. It may also have been due to the fact that my definition of love had dissolved over time, but it had sadly become shrouded by words better left unspoken, bruises buried deep within, and scars that would never let me forget.  Even so, it would be his steel grey eyes that somehow saw through me. he eyes of a man who witnessed more horrors in a day than many would in a lifetime would see behind my fake facade, where I had barricaded myself to numb my senses... the only way I could survive.

 And yet, it would be him, Captain Levi of the Survey Corps, deemed to be "Humanity's Strongest Solider," who would push my resolve to truly live.

  *****

Choosing between the Military Police, Garrison, and Survey Corps was an easy one. If I could escape this birdcage I was trapped in, wearing the Wings of Freedom on my back, I could finally fly away... Whether I lived or died after that was of no real importance.  I would fight for the chance to experience freedom, at least once, even if only for a moment.

I usually sat by myself at mealtime, preferring to be alone, unlike everyone else who crammed together to eat and converse after a long day of training. The fewer fake conversations, the better. My only focus was myself. That didn't mean I wouldn't mumble the occasional greeting to a fellow soldier, and I never failed to respectfully salute my commanding officers.  Honestly, I had figured out what the right amount of socializing was in order to earn someone's trust. And if my fellow soldiers trusted me, I could convince them that my life was worth just enough to save in battle. 

I had to ensure that I would be part of the next expedition beyond the walls, so I trained endlessly, making myself as strong and swift as possible. I was quick to ace the Vertical Maneuvering Equipment, mainly because I was so determined to fly. I noticed a few other cadets had the same familiar flame burning in their eyes. We were the ones who were driven by one specific moment in time; a point in our lives so defined by rage, agony, and terror, that it became the one thing we fought to forget... as if we could rediscover our own significance somewhere outside the walls.

Those with nothing to live for just became a liability to me. So, naturally, I distanced myself even farther from the weaker cadets. They would just be a burden, getting eaten by titans not too long after leaving the confines of the Wall. It would really just be a waste of time trying to get to know them anyway.

I mirrored the actions of the strongest soldiers, pushing myself to perhaps surpass even their abilities one day. I would live my life flying through the air like a bird, in a place free from boundaries. A place where I could revel in murdering the monsters that never let me escape my suffering. When I tell people that I would rather be in Titan territory than behind the Walls, I get the same expression every damn time: a face veiled in confusion and disgust. I humor myself by blatantly reminding them how easily the walls can fall. I knew Shiganshina and Maria wouldn't be the last of the walls to fall... and I would no longer be forced to both live and die in hell.

My relentless training had not gone unnoticed, as I was ranked first in my class by the time graduation came around. When I pledged myself to the Survey Corps, Commander Erwin Smith assigned me to the highly regarded Special Operations Squad, led by humanity's strongest soldier, Captain Levi. Neither of us was much for words, so most of our communication was said through nods of approval or sneers of annoyance. There was one huge difference between us.  Even though Levi's cold exterior wasn't too far off from mine, his sense of justice and morality, as well as empathy for his comrades, was insurmountable.

*** Year 848: The night before the 43rd Expedition ***

By the time the 43rd Expedition was to commence, I had been part of Levi's Squad for the greater part of a year.  A good night's sleep was a rare occurrence for me anymore, so I would often take night walks around the barracks just staring at the stars.  Just before sunrise, I would return to my bunk, effectively avoiding any unwelcome conversation from a semi-concerned teammate.  That night, however, was different. My mind must have disappeared to the moon while I walked because I didn't hear my name being muttered lowly behind me, repeated each time with more and more frustration.

"Oi! You fucking hear a word I'm saying, (L/N)!?"

I snapped out of my daze and whipped around to find I was no longer alone. Captain Levi was not much taller than me, but that really wasn't saying much, considering my own small stature. He hovered over me, his pitch-black hair effortlessly falling over his calm, gray eyes, as he studied my face. I just stared back blankly.

"The fuck are you doing...?" He demanded, rather irritated by my indifference.

I just glared at him in silence, before turning back around to stare at the sky again. I heard him exhale impatiently, waiting for me to answer him, even though he had grown accustomed to my non-verbal responses.  

"I'm taking a walk..." I remarked snidely.

"Well, no shit. Now answer my question, (L/N).  What are you doing wandering the barracks alone in the middle of the night before an expedition?"

I huffed in annoyance before I could think up a real enough answer.  He didn't need to know what terrors really kept me awake at night.

"It's a full moon, Captain. The light woke me up."

My answer was followed by stagnant silence. Usually, I welcomed that. But, I could sense that Levi didn't believe me one bit. With my back still facing him, I turned my head to the side and quietly asked to be dismissed so I could be on my way.  But again, I was met with only silence. I shook my head, annoyed by Levi's little game. I wasn't in the mood to be toyed with, so I began to take a few steps forward, wanting to just keep moving.

"Just don't fucking die tomorrow, (F/N)."  I slowed my stride for a moment, at the sound of Levi addressing me by my first name. Keep walking, idiot.

"You don't fool me, you know," he continued.

Okay, now that did stop me. Either out of surprise or anger, I stopped my stubborn retreat and turned to shout, "What the hell is that supposed to-"

Before I could finish, I felt the sting of a cold steel blade barely pierce my cheek, as Levi restrained me from behind. I was completely caught off guard by his speed, as I was far too slow to react. Immediately I began to panic, overwhelmed by the intense fear that began suffocating me. It was as if I had never trained a day in my life. My mind went blank as I instinctively allowed my body to go numb.

No. I thought I grew out of this shit! I'm still too weak! I'm still just that pathetic little girl who just gritted her teeth and took the pain. It was the only way I knew how to survive back then. And apparently, even now, I haven't changed...!

Levi swiftly retired his blade to his pocket, guiding my suddenly limp body down to the ground. I was ashamed and fully expected him to order my worthless ass off the barracks grounds. But instead, we just sat in silence, his arm still firmly wrapped across my chest.  After my shuddered gasps began to return to normal, I finally allowed myself to reemerge from hiding. I slowly regained control over myself, no longer trembling from fear. Only then did Levi's grip loosen.

"I'm sorry, Captain," I sighed, staring at the grass beneath us.

"Don't ever allow fear to control you like that again. You know how to turn off your emotions, but you haven't learned how to conquer the source of your fears yet."

My eyes widened a bit as I turned to face him. I was surprised to see a brief hint of concern flicker in his eyes. How could he know that I would react that way?

"It's clearly not the Titans that you're afraid of.  I've seen the way you slice through them like they're just the cutouts from training. So stop being so damn stupid and face whatever it is and get over it already. And if anyone dies tomorrow because you hid inside your shell like a damn turtle, I'll kill you myself."

I waited for him to order me to get up or for him to just shuffle off from wherever he came from, but he just continued to sit with me in the moonlight. It was as if we were comforted by each other's company, both eager for battle yet too stubborn to move.  Still dwelling on Levi's words, long after he had spoken them, I finally broke the silence between us.

"Captain... How are you not afraid of anything?"

"Tch. Who said that I wasn't...?" He scoffed, void of emotion.

"Well... You never show it. Your expression never changes, and you're always pissed about something..."  Even though I should have stopped there, I had suddenly become rather irritated upon realizing that he was calling me out on something he was guilty of too; I wasn't going to let such blatant hypocrisy slide, so I opened my mouth and muttered,  "So whatever it is, get over it already, you hypocrite-"

WHAM.

My head slammed back as Levi let out a growl of frustration, pinning me to the ground with his hands around my neck. Before I could even react, Levi immediately released his grasp and jolted backward, visibly disturbed by his own actions.  After seeing his eyes burn with such rage and affliction, I understood that I had stirred something deep within him; something he had buried long ago. 

I coughed hoarsely, gasping for air as I held my neck. With a furrowed brow, I angrily looked up at Levi to find him pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. After I finally caught my breath, I dusted myself off and returned to my feet.

"I'm requesting my leave now, Captain."

He was deep in thought as he remained seated, his forearms resting on his knees, his jaw tight. I was fed up with our foolish interaction and gave up on receiving his dismissal. With an exasperated sigh, I shook my head and began my solo trek back to the barracks.

"Don't walk away..."

"Sir?"

I turned to find myself alone again.  Did he say something?  Was I imagining that he did? 

Or were those just the words that I wanted him to say...?