Dear dairy . 22nd January 2018

It's night like these that I hate having. Just rethinking about what happened that day before I sleep. Then my brain taking something specific from that day and thinking about made up scenarios.

I don't know where he would of wandered if I didn't run after him and grasp his arm tightly. I don't know what clouded thoughts could of done to him. I didn't know if I would see him again soon...

I'm glad I did. I wasn't going to walk away from him when he needed me. I wasn't gonna let him slip.

I'm sorry I didn't catch you physically when you fell. I didn't react in time. But I did maybe catch you mentally.

Like I said. I don't know what could of  happened.

It's nights like these that make me want to cry to sleep as anxiety whispers it's words of venom down my ear and into my skin. " just a nightmare " I whisper even tho I'm wide awake, swimming in the pool of darkness that hangs in my bedroom.

It's nights like these that i want I hug my pillow and sob quietly so my grandma won't hear. Because I think about what could of happened.

Pale pink skin. Just a sudden blur as he hit the ground. Eyes red and pink. Body layed still. Lips parted. Green hair hidden
behind the hood.
The shock and realisation of what just happened rushing to me, what do I do? What do I say? Do I call for help or do I call his name! AH! WHAT DO I DO says the voices in my head. I look back at my friends searching for help and answers. I turn back and pleased for a response. Get up. Wake up. A battle between conscious and numbing sleep. I can see the tears he was fighting with his anger. My own starting to swell as I watch my baby boy break.

Ugh my head is pounding. Swirling with pain and guilt. My baby boy was breaking and I was screaming get up. Idiot...

The moment that jacket hit the ground was when I knew this wasn't a joke anymore. Something so precious being left behind so harshly. My stomach dropped when I didn't know if he was alright.  My hand pressed against his chest, hoping he would look me in the eyes. Talk to me. No don't walk away! Please!...

These are the things that haunt me in my head. These are what most of the thoughts are like in the night.

I love you...