I woke up again in hospital; anxious faces peered down at me. My father looked worried that I might blow his cover and sent me a pleading look. The hospital had white pained walls covered the death hidden behind them like a painted specula. It took me a while to realise why I was in there but when I did, a pain hit me like a knife to my flesh as the memories of what happened last night hit me hard. I could still feel his body on me and he slap still echoed through my body. I think that’s why I jumped, I’m not sure, but I know I did jump and that rippled a tension though the crowd. Helena was there and her mouth was moving but the words from her mouth didn’t reach me. I turned my head to my right and saw my hateful youth pastor. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or scared but I reached my hand out and slapped him. It wasn’t my hardest but I know I stung him inside.

'That.' I croaked. 'Is for what you did to me!' my eyes were red with anger and no matter how much people tried to talk to me I just spat insults at him. A nurse walked into the commotion, hearing my cries and said, "Why are you shouting at him? What has he done?" my voice held to a halt as all eyes swivelled towards his guilty face.

'Do you wana talk dickhead?' I said between tears. He just dusted his suit and walked off saying he had something to do.

'Liar!' I called in triumph. 'You think ima going to hell? You’re coming with me!' I tried to ignore the stares, in vain, as I punched the air and sat up. 'Hey can I have a drink?'

I don’t think my dad took that the right way and asked sternly, 'Rosie?'

'What?' he still thinks I wana call him dad.

'Rosie what happened?' He stretched out his arm to my arms with scratch marks on it. 'To make all this happen?'

'Sweetheart you can tell me if you don’t want to talk to him. I just want to know what happened and why.'

'Mom I’m fine. Stop flipping faking English sweetheart in front of the nurses. I really don’t know what possessed me to say that but anger poured out of my mouth to everyone I spoke to. Except Helena. She didn’t talk much or ask too many questions but I answered them sweetly, not giving anything away.

'Rosie do you want them to go so we can talk?'

'If you want.' She nodded at them to go away and the nurse told them to wait in the waiting room. My brothers my Mum and the Dad. He aint mine. I aint his.

'So what is it babe?' I forgot Helena called me babe and no one else does except Michel, so when she called me babe yesterdays bedroom memory hit me hard.

'I don’t trust your going to tell all them, now you've changed. Yeah I did get the text; I just didn't know how to reply.'

'What do you mean?'

'I love you Helena. I always have but when you talked about your conversion I felt betrayed.'

'Rite Hun. Let's start life from the beginning.'

'I really don’t want to talk about this in a hospital. How about later?'

'On the phone?'

'Ok. Tomorrow in the afternoon. My parents are going out to a meal so we can talk then.'

A nurse peered round the door to see if we were ok and my dad wanted to talk to me but I told the nurse that I’d rather die than talk to him.

'Feisty!' Helena winked.

'Trust me, there's one thing I don't want to do and that's to talk to that rat!'

'Ha-ha I'm praying for you Rosie.' I couldn’t tell if she was serious or not but we always used to say that, both in the old and new days. I decided not to reply so save further harassment and I laughed it off.

I was release from the prison of the hospital that evening at four and refused to say a word to my parents, though they hit me hard with questions that were none of their business. I nodded or shrugged and left and awkward silence between each question. Hopefully they got the hint.

'Rosie your father told me you got drunk, is that true?' My Mom asked and I nodded. 'Why?' she asked and I shrugged. The memory of yesterday swept my vision and images I planned to get rid of screamed loud as well as guilt and questions. I heard a voice that I hadn't heard in a long time.

'You messed up big time!' he hissed.

'You got me into this!' I screamed and last night vanished to reveal my parents puzzled faces. With that I gained a sharp scratch down my right cheek and a caution of warning in the other ear.

'If you blow my cover or tell on me I will kill you myself! You understand?' I knew for sure that wasn’t just a threat. It was a promise. I sniffed an ok and he faded into a mist, leaving me with my inquisitive parents. The car journey seemed the longest Journey ever. My dad forever asking me to talk. I don’t think mum knows what happened between me and him and he's probably forgotten because no fool would ask me to talk when they have done something wrong.

Once I stepped in I had a call from my youth pastor at the hospital.

'Hello?' I asked, unsure of who it was because I deleted his number.

'Hey Rosie, it’s me.'

‘Who am me?' I huffed. I wouldn’t say that to an adult, it’s just only my friends call me Rosie. All Nigerian adults call me Ngozi.

'Pastor Shade' my hands began to treble at the red button to cut the call.

'I'm hoping you ok?'

'Yes sir.' I covered my mouth. I stopped calling him sir since our last encounter before the hospital.

'Why do you cut Rosie?'

'What?'

'I saw the scratches on your arm.'

'I'm fine...'

'You’re not. You've tried to keep away from talking but it’s the devil who....' I dropped my phone on the ground pretending it fell and didn’t bother to put the battery in it. The last time he said it I entrusted him to my life and he flung back bitterness and dirty look. I never trusted him again. The Dad was on a newspaper my mother curled up in his arms. Anger and jealousy overwhelmed me and I slammed the door on them and was about to enter my room but I decided to pay a visit to my brothers room.

'I had never seen so many books before!' I exclaimed and he looked up from studying.

'Work. I need to get a job career and life. How’s your work?'

'Fine. I just wana say hey. Erm haven’t talked in a while.'

'Try and make it up to dad. He's trying his hardest. He's stayed only a few days and he's lost his voice.' That’s what was wrong with his voice, he wasn’t growling!

'I told you he aint my dad. Hey teach me bout Mitosis. I need to remember how it works.'

'Hey! We getting the old Posie back. Sit down and we'll go through the whole process!' For once, I was eager to work and jumped onto the chair next to him. It felt like the old days again, when my brother and I used to study together. It felt so good I actually listened to the whole of it. Sadly. It got to the bit about how alcohol affects the system of mitosis and the alcohol from yesterday clogged my thought. I tried to hold it in a smile but it all came out on his desk.

'OMG I'm soooooo sorry.' I poured. 'I'll help you out. I'll clean you room for the rest of your life. Just please don’t tell dad.....' I spoke too late.

'Ngozi what are you doing in your brothers room? Eh? You think you can go round vomiting on everybody?'

'It's not her fault dad she's back from hospital. Leave her be.'

'Lemme tell you why she was in hospital.'... He started and a thrust my palm to him mouth.

'Dad shut up! The whole world doesn’t need to know! I thought you had changed for the good. Obviously I'm mistaken.'

'You go on a drunken spree and expect me to be quiet! Ngozi I don’t know what has happened to you but it's no reason to go drunk and shout at me telling me. Your father. To shut up. You’re joking!'

'I hate you and I always will. You don’t know me and have never taken the time to know me. Indstead, you go crazy with women and hurt your family hard. You comre back one day saying you’ve changed and expect us all to jump at you?'

'No but you guys did.'

'I didn’t because I'm not gullible. I gota take you through a test and so far you've failed.'

'I don’t have strength to argue with you Ngozi. Go to your room.

'No! Can’t you see? Me and Kyle have work to do.' I turned around to see my brother on his desk, vomit cleared, head down.

'Go to your room now. Why can’t you be focused like your brother?'

'If it means pleasing you then I’m out of the question!' I walked past him to my bedroom but he grasped my shoulders tight.

'You are still a little girl. You don’t know half of life’s struggles. I advise you to shut up and don’t talk to anyone in my house-including me (unless I call you) and go to your bedroom. NOW.' I could taste the seriousness and anger in his voice so in rag, I walked into my room and slammed the door. How dare he? Mother has never talked to me like that and he thinks he can? I collapsed on my bed and let the tears flood my face. I wish people would taking advantage of me like that! I don’t know what I've done to cause this on myself but whatever it is, I won't let it control me- Or let it be an instrument lf insult. U have to cover my ground with fake smiles to make me seem approachable. I sniffed a big sniff and searched for my razor left in my bag which, hopefully, they didn't see or take. I could feel the beast glowing happily at my state but I tried to ignore him. I couldn’t find my razor. He found it and took it away from me. I decided there are other ways to numb pain with pain. I gnawed at my wrist until I could taste blood in my teeth. What great time was it for the idiot to come in with mom and grab my arm?

'I hurt myself on the... basket I left broken.' I pointed to the wooden basket that we never used in the corner of my room. Mother didn’t take it in though. She persisted me and I came up with lie after lie just to get out of this.

'I thought that you should know that we are going to church and you are coming with us whether you like it or not! Ngozi you've dodged church and that's what has made you like this. I've been a fool and overlooked this but this is what you've become. Why I did I overlook it? Because I expected change from family as church seemed to drag you down when you turned 15. Now this has happened I know it’s time you go back and gain more knowledge.'

'But!'

'I don’t want you to answer me or I'll knock you senseless. Ngozi this is the last.' Last what? Why should she tell me? I just have to follow her like a sheep even though I technically can by my own house now. I just, haven't found a job.

'Ngozi I'm sorry for getting angry at you earlier. It was reckless for me got shout at you using those strong words. If you don’t forgive me ill understand what I did was wrong. Do you forgive me?' I so desperately wanted to say no but because mom was there I said yes. They concluded the case with finding clothes for me for church I was supposed to go to. I needed and escape method. Fast. Funny enough it did come. So I thought. Michel called me just as they went downstairs to turn 'I thought that you should know that we are going to church and you are coming with us whether you like it or not! Ngozi you've dodged church and that's what has made you like this. I've been a fool and overlooked this but this is what you've become. Why I did I overlook it? Because I expected change from family as church seemed to drag you down when you turned 15. Now this has happened I know it’s time you go back and gain more knowledge.'

'But!'

'I don’t want you to answer me or I'll knock you senseless. Ngozi this is the last.' Last what? Why should she tell me? I just have to follow her like a sheep even though I technically can by my own house now. I just, haven't found a job.

'Ngozi I'm sorry for getting angry at you earlier. It was reckless for me got shout at you using those strong words. If you don’t forgive me ill understand what I did was wrong. Do you forgive me?' I so desperately wanted to say no but because mom was there I said yes. They concluded the case with finding clothes for me for church I was supposed to go to. I need and escape method. Fast. Funny enough it did come. So I thought. Michel called me just as they went downstairs to turn on the T.V.

'Hey babe.' he said and I could hear the seductiveness in his voice that made my stomach tingle.

'Hey!' I replied in my best happy voice.

'Did you enjoy yesterday?'

'Yes' I lied. To be honest that was the worst moment of my life especially what he did to me. I didn’t know how to stop him though. Even though I am the person that I won’t let even my pastor to control and then one boy can. I wish I hadn't gone. Many guys have felt me through but that was the worst any boy has ever gone to. And I hated it.

'I won't be able to see you again but I thought I'd say goodbye.'

'Goodbye. I love you too and I'll never forget you.' I gabbled and he chuckled.

Don't worry babe I love you too and I'll never ever forget you.'

'Bye babe,' I replied and sent him a fake kiss.

'Oh,' he said quickly before I cut the phone. 'The bedroom incident. I quite enjoyed that and I'm sad we can't do that again.' I nearly screamed down the phone! What type of paedophile statement is that! The thoughts of yesterday grabbed my vision and left with guilt. It was my fault he took advantage of me. I let him take over me because I'm not strong enough. The thought of his body on me made me feel so powerless and useless but yet I felt so angry that someone did that to me. It's not my fault he did that. I was drunk and I wanted him to love me and love me forever. I hope it works or this will be a massive sacrifice that is worth nothing.

'Yeah. Me too babe, you know how to move!' I couldn’t believe what I just said!

'Ha-ha babe. I love you.' we went through the '"I love you" thing all over again and he cut the phone leaving me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I need to find out if I'm the only girl he's said that to and if not then why me if he is leaving. Is that why he made me go to the party. Is this why he kept going at me to come to the party? I shook all those things out of my mind and decide to go to his best friend’s house. I didn't want to talk to Michel again but instead I decided to go to his friend because Michel tells his friend everything. I jumped up to my feet and went to get my jeans and t-shirt and changed out of my party dress. I don't think he would let me know about this too quickly so I decided to go to another alternative. I went to Hartley’s house to find a gun. Hartley is the bad boy of the school and he has been excluded several times and been in prison several times as well (but he also has got himself out) - which is perfect for me because I need to know how to use a gun and threaten well. I stayed low along his alleyway because I was aware of the danger the alleyway has, and rapped on the front door of his flat. He opened the flat with a rub of his eyes and grinned as he saw me. His house stunk of drugs and cigarettes and stale alcohol. He was only in shorts and his six-pack and he head shaving cuts all over his face, making him look scary yet attractive.

'Are you accepting my request babe?' he grinned letting me in.

'If you were in school all this while then you know that I'm with Michel.' I growled holding my breath.

'I heard but it’s never too late to accept.'

'Shut up Hartley. I hear you're good at using guns.'

'Yeah babe. Since when did you care about guns?'

'Since now. Teach me how to use a gun.'

His eyebrows raised in a seductive manner and he said with a smooth voice, 'Sure, as long as you're not for me. ‘He pinned me to his wardrobe and brought his lips close to me but I moved away just in time. 'But,' he went into his draws and brought out a sachet filled with some white powder. 'Take this marijuana to Joe's house, if you're on your way there. He got grounded so he can't come to me. Maybe you'll be able to sweeten up his dad and talk to him.' Once I heard this mission I nearly cried in shock and horror. I was supposed to do drugs for him! How did he know I was going to Joe's house? 'Oh and tell him if he doesn't give me the money by tomorrow, I'll be there. You come tomorrow and collect some for yourself if you really feel like it!'

'I won't do your drugs. You can keep them to yourself. I just want a gun and to know how to use it.'

'Do you know the power of this babe? This can make you so happy; you won't even know tomorrow’s worries! Imagine, all your worries and pain-gone! Babe I know truly that you have worries and pain.' That thought tickled my mind and I accepted. I accepted the drugs. I let it trough. I took the drugs.

'This thing is magic!' I whispered. I could feel the effect strait away, the feeling of a sense of life that cutting gave me, I wanted to jump around and scream with joy

'Yes. That’s what they are for. Now about that kiss....'

'Don’t think about it. Now this shooting lesson and fast. I have to be at home at eight.'

'Why, mum starting to care about your welfare and your private life?'

'My dad came home so now my parents care about my private life.'

'Ha-ha that's your fault babe...’ he saw my serious face and brought out the gun, causing me to smile. ‘I’ll hurry so you can stay alive to consider my offer'' he grinned. I just shrugged off his statement and we started the lessons. The lessons lasted until quarter to eight and I had to run quickly to Joe’s house with the marijuana and the gun and quickly planned to be fast so I could go home get home. I had to battle some paedophiles on my way before I jumped into his room using his window, not wanting to be caught. I pointed my gun the way Hartley said to do it and made him jump to his feet.

‘Hey babe, don't be mad I don't want to hurt you. I’ll do anything you ask!’ He gabbled on and I just removed the safety strap.

‘I’ll be gone if you just tell me one thing. Why does Michel love me?'

‘Why don’t you ask him?’

‘Because he won’t tell me. I want you to tell me.’

‘I’ll lose my life if I tell you!’

‘You’ll lose your life anyway talking or not. I wouldn’t want to be beaten up by a girl.’

‘Good point!’ he brought tremor my hands as he brought his own gun. ‘I give you three seconds to leave my house!’

‘I give you three seconds to tell me that information!’

‘Three! One!’ A loud boom was heard and a killing pain seized my arm and began to eat it away. He placed the gun to my head and was about to pull the trigger again and, withought thinking I shot him. I killed a man. A boy. An evil boy. I committed murder. I could go to jail. I am now an outlaw.