I opened Ogu's text with a warm heart but when I read it my heart sank deep into my tempestuous soul. She knows about my whole experience. She knows about killing Joe. She knows about Michel. She knows it all.

'How do you know?' I rang her asking.

'I just know you. I've known Michel since ever and he's the biggest player the world has ever seen and I heard him talking to Joe about what he was going to do with you and how he was going to make Hartley jealous of him. He knew it when you and Hartley were going out and I don’t know why but he has this thing with Hartley so when he saw you and Hartley he just he wanted you. So you were his target. He's been doing this in nearly every school I know ripping these things off girls just for fun. I tried to warn you but you wouldn't listen to me and now it's too late. He's gone to another school now and you can guarantee at least one girls going to lose her virginity.' Ogu's report sounded like a siren in my head screaming at me calling me stupid. I knew what I did was really stupid but it wasn't my fault. He had full control of me and I had none if myself. For the first time in my life I felt so vulnerable and weak. I told Ogu that I needed time to myself and she said ok putting down the phone.

I looked down at my slightly swollen stomach. 2 months pregnant and you're getting big, I said to my stomach. What am I going to do with you? It was then that I realised my whole life; I was a drug addict, a players work, jobless, no qualification and pregnant. How on earth am I going to go in life?

Months passed when I could hide the baby no more, my stomach was clearly swollen and the whole school seemed to know about me and Michel. They knew about me and Michel having sex before because Michel told them, but that was normal in my school. It was when I got pregnant that people started stirring because you have to be really unlucky to end up pregnant. Michelle, the girl who I had a fight with at the party, made a rumour that I forced Michel to have sex with me so that she can be jealous of me. That was a massive lie.

'Yo Posie jerk. What you going to call your child?' yelled Dave, one skateboard-dude person. 'Will he be Michel junior so you can always remember Michel?' I glared at him and just walked passed as he stretched his arms out in a 'what did I do?' manner, his mates laughing. Even still, people didn’t take that as a warning so more and more insults were thrust at me by all manners of people. 'Is it a boy or girl' 'It's your fault you’re in this situation' 'Can't you close your own legs?' Even teachers were eyeing my stomach, some even tutted at me! It was like my guilt was following me everywhere and I couldn't get rid of it. Then one day I just had enough. It was on that day that I ran to the toilettes to rid myself of the shame only to find a group of cheerleaders there, standing there gossiping about me really loud. There thick mascara eyes burned a hole through all fearlessness and confidence I ever contained and they studied me jealously as if they wanted to be in that position. Stupid hoes. I ran into the toilette and cried bitterly and extremely loudly. My arm had recovered a bit few months ago, though I can’t do some things I used to do, so getting my phone out and ringing Hartley wasn't as painful as before. I texted him to call me after school because he wasn’t in school again today because he 'didn't feel like it.' Typical Hartley statement.

'So what is it?' Hartley asked with a small thirsty note in his voice.

'Hartley I can’t live life in my house. My mom's already commenting on how I've been putting on weight and my brother nearly caught me when I was sick in the middle of the night. You live really far away so you can take me' I felt like I unloaded a massive block from my life until he replied.

'I can't,' why did people like to ruin my expectant attitude? 'I'm a drug dealer babe. You need me but will this baby be able to cope staying with a drug dealer man who isn't its father?'

'So where am I meant to go then!' I cried nearly screaming.

'Well the new girl keeps asking about you. She lives in a good home. She lives close to me so you can sneak to my house to get a stash.' I knew what he was saying was really true but I didn't know if I could trust Ogu. Or Helena for that matter. She was on their side as childish as it sounded.

'I can't,' I cried. 'She'll tell on me and then I'll be in trouble then my dad will kill me and my mom will never let me in my house and then she'll tell about Joe and...'

'Babe, come to my house so we can talk properly. You need to calm down because I'm sure everything’s going to end up fine.' I don't know how he could say such a stupid thing but I guess he was just being nice so I thanked him, calling him awesome. I think that set off a trigger to him because he started stuttering and his ears probably would start heating up like they do when he's embarrassed. I laughed as we said goodbye knowing then that this friendship could escalate to another level if not careful but not caring as I began to ponder how I used to see him. He was mixed race with black tuffy hair and he had a small piercing in his right ear. He didn't have a real car but for some reason he came to school with a different car. Me and Hartley used to spend our time talking about how we were going to live together and I used to have fun with Hartley (not in a wrong way) a lot, him always taking opportunities to kiss me but then always having to be stopped. We used to talk about our families and how we could change them but that just got into arguments. I guess that was one reason I went to Michel. Michel had a tattoo of a snake down his arm and I used to giggle when he flexed it letting the snake dance. Yeah I guess I giggled more with Michel than Hartley and I told Michel more things than Hartley. Me and Michel were indestructible and I thought sex was the seal of our relationship only to find out that it was to break of it. What a sacrifice for nothing! I thought about what my baby will be like and how it will look and I dearly hoped that it wouldn't look like Michel. Just on the turn to Hartley's block I started feeling a bit queasy as if I needed to throw up so I sat by a tree in the field nearby to get some breathing time. My skirt was getting too short for me and showed my knickers as I sat down but I didn't care for any more guys who were constantly staring up my legs. I lay down for a few minutes and didn't realised I was sleeping until I heard someone wake me up. It wasn't Hartley but this weird girl with braces staring worriedly down at me.

'What?' I mumbled brushing myself up to leave. Hartley would probably be worried and I was delaying him.

'Sorry, I thought you were dead. I was checking to see if you were alive and breathing.'

I wish I wasn’t the only thing keeping me from killing myself was this baby.

'You have a baby?' Dam I said that out loud.

'Look kid, I don't know you and you're asking too many questions.'

'Hey I was going to save your life!' She yelled sorrowfully nearly in tears as I walked away from her.

'Thanks...'

'Alex. My name is Alex' she ran up to me as I began to say 'Thanks Alex' and she placed something in my hand. 'This is a cute story I wrote and I think you might like it.'

'Erm thank you?'

'Any time...'

'Rachel,' I lied my name so she could finish her sentence and leave me alone. I saw her worried glance as she saw me turn into Hartley’s block but I ignored her all the same, putting the story into my unzipped bag, hoping it'll fall. She probably knows Hartley’s block was a bad area and only those who were part of the gangs or lived there (or both) walked there willingly. I quickened my pace up the lift onto Hartley front door at last. As soon as Hartley opened the door he gave me a quick hug then pulled me in saying that he saw me with Alex and apparently she's a big tattler so people hide when they see her.

'Take some crack to calm you down,' he brought out a weird gas mask looking thing with a roll of crack and an unfamiliar small cigarette. Probably weed. I took the weed instead, it being more familiar to me, and began smoking, letting all the sorrow into each puff. I slowly told Hartley everything about me and Michel and us being together for a while and him trying to make Hartley jealous and what happened at the party. Hartley just nodded at this and hissed at the jealous part. After all of this though, he didn’t say anything. I saw a crystal tear slowly shimmer through his eyelids and he turned away from me.

'Hartley?' I whispered placing my hand on his shoulder. 'It's my fault. I should have stayed with you and not gone off with Michel. I'm really...'

'Babe look,' Hartley turned round to show red glistening eyes and a face of sorrow that I've never seen before. Looking at this face was so piercing to me and I ran and gave him a hug. A hug that I used to give him often until Michel came and lured me into believing he was the answer to my love story. He lifted my head and brought his face so close to me I thought he was going to kiss me. I eyes widened and I moved away from the hug but Hartley held my arm. I slapped him again and he shook his head as if shaken from a trance and went again to be depressed.

'I started drugs when you went off with Michel. I wanted so badly to drown away my sorrow. Michel texted me what he did and said it with pride. I was so angry on why you would betray me like that. It was just me luck when you came to my doorstep. I planned you to go down with me. Now I regret it. If you never had seen me then you would have never been in this situation. You would have gone to a decent house if you got pregnant. You could have stayed with me peacefully. I'm such a fool to have done this to you. I bet you hate me more than ever now!' I pondered over what he just said. He set me up! The guys were fighting over me just to satisfy their needs but Hartley came back on his knees while Michel was out there completely satisfied with what he did, no care in the world. I couldn't hate Hartley. We've always been in love and it was my fault that we're like this today so how could I hate him?

'No Hartley.' I whispered putting my hand to his cheeks. 'I promise I don't hate you. Can we get back together? But maybe keep it secret?' Hartley’s eyes lit up in delight as I said that.

'Can we stop doing drugs together? So that we can truly be able to raise this child?'

‘I thought you said it’s impossible to stop drugs’

'We can try to stop drugs. Though…erm…well… many people have tried and ended up dyeing but we can try together and live forever completely drug free!’

He probably as dreaming out loud and I felt a bit bad for bursting his bubble. ‘We can’t live together. I'll live with you until I give birth and then we give the baby for temporary adoption once it is old enough. Then I can continue my academic life. How does that sound?' His face didn’t drop at a single sentence of that so I guess he was a bit high.

'As long as we're together babe I'm right behind you. About that kiss...' I looked into Hartley’s eyes and read complete seriousness. Could I trust him to be my confirmed boyfriend? Could I trust him at all after he set me up, even though he did confess with an apology?

‘You told me you were going to tell Michel about what I did and you flipping threatened me so why should I want to kiss you?’ I said with disgust.

‘I’m sorry for that. I was in a bad mood after somebody ripped me off my money so I was using you as a target!’

‘How do I know you’re not going to do that again?’

‘Look, if I do then I’ll personally kill myself when I get back to my normal state. I’m really desperate to stay with you in this to make up for what I did to you. Please, I’ll get on my knees, just please forgive me!’

In all my life I had never seen Hartley in such a state. One time he’s happy, the next he’s crying buckets even though I’m supposed to be the one crying a lot here. I walked up to him and placed one hand on his shoulder and told him to get up. He got up and I put one hand on his waist one hand on his shoulder as I twisted my head to sink my lips into his. He held my waist and brought me close to him. It was a matter of time that he started feeling down my legs -something he probably really wanted to do. We turned a kiss to a full blown snog until I realised what time it was. I tried to pull away but he grabbed me in and literally sucked me silly feeling up my shirt and me feeling his. That was a snog I was willing to do. A snog that actually took pain away. For real. I could taste all the dope in his breath but I inhaled it more and more twisting my tongue around his. I wriggled my hands up his shirt while he rummaged around my thighs which were gladly shaved. I moved my hand for real and placed my finger on his active lips. 'Nuh uh,' I whispered as his lips kept coming closer and closer. 'Next time babe.' I growled and checked my phone. 'Oh shit' I cried as the clock read 5:30 with 5 missed calls from my mom.

'Bye babe,' he growled seductively and I gave him one more short kiss, before I left. We had just accepted to be ‘secret lovers’ but we went ahead literally shoving our hands down each other’s body. I know Hartley can’t be my boyfriend because my boyfriend had to be my baby’s father but we could still be in love. I had a real conformation Hartley won’t break my heart like Michel did and I can tackle him in a fight any day so we seemed safe as if we were ‘best friends’ and I could do this as no-one knows about it and Michel can go find someone else to break their heart. As difficult for me and my child, I would teach this child how to live and Hartley can look after it like a father but I’ll tell it about his father at the right time so he won’t be heart broken. I planned everything in my head but the main part that I couldn’t tackle was how I was going to stay while being pregnant. I knew I’d be blown if I went to the streets some gunmen probably would know about what I did to Joe and come for revenge. I had to pick between Hartley and Ogu so I planned to go to Ogu’s the next day to talk with her. I like to plan ahead, it makes me feel so confident because I’m know prepared for what may happen or go slightly wrong. I decided that I was going to leave my worries for another day and walked home merrily almost drunk, though I knew I would be in big trouble when I got home, yet part of me felt a warm sensation of joy. I felt properly happy for once in a long time. But why would life want me stay like that? Life didn’t want me to be happy and made sure it sees it that. As I was walking, I tripped on a stone, hurting my arm all over again and the little book the girl gave me flew out of my bag and I could just about adjust my eyes to read the title.

Jesus saves.