I felt a pain eating away my left arm. I grabbed my arm in pain and, as I heard his dad screaming about the racket, I climbed down out of the window as quickly as I could. I could barely breathe and my head was pounding but I ran as fast as I could away from that block panting like crazy, until my breath was completely out. I lay on the pavement and just screamed in agony as the pain destroyed my arm. I couldn't even check my watch let alone push myself up. I used my right hand to lift myself up then I went into a drug store and stole a first aid kit. I wrapped my arm, with a bandage of the first aid kit, in the toilettes of the store. I took another finger of the marijuana I was supposed to give to Joe pocketing the rest and scattered the first aid kit all over the floor. I washed my hands as if I was washing my hands of guilt and ran out of the store. I pulled my hood up when I got out of the store and increased my pace. I got to my house at five minutes past eight and I couldn't climb through my window because of my hand so I used my beautiful back door with the key in my hiding place. I gently closed the door then ran up to my room; luckily the dad was still watching T.V with My mom. I just slumped my body on my bed and didn't even bother to change out of my hoody and jeans. I couldn't even take it off anyway! I screamed with more agony when my bother hit my arm to say mom wanted me to go to bed so could be early for church. My eyes scrambled for my pyjamas for so long that I didn't remember the pain until I reached out to get my pyjamas. I didn’t know what pain in the world could've been worse than that. My voice couldn’t contain it either. It let out a yelp so loud mom came rushing to see what was happening. I hid my dressed body from her and pretended I was asleep and made it seem as if I was just crying in my sleep. Though sleep couldn't cover my pain. Anguish is a better description. The anguish gnawed my arm so much I believed it was broken.

Sleep that night was the hardest. I couldn’t find a comfortable position and the tiny sleep I managed to catch was haunted by nightmares. I would wake up panting and sweating only to find it was only a dream.

"Get up now!" Dad already had woken up and changed for church and it was only nine in the morning. Then again the church started at nine but why did I care? I reached out for my phone and he said, 'I'll let you have your phone for church because you don’t have a bible. I downloaded a bible on your phone and you can’t have your phone without it. If I don’t see it I'll take it of you? Understood?'

'Yes,' I growled. He nodded his head and left, I then immediately bent my head to check my inbox. I had a message from an anonymous number. It read 'hey babe. Hope you got what you wanted with Joe because then you have a sachet of marijuana for yourself. Got a rainbow of other things for you, some you may never know. I know you enjoyed it. Hartley.  P.S. Save my number so we can talk more. :) x’

Hartley! How did he get my number! Why did he get my number more like? I only give my number to my friends. I decided to reply him later when I saw something else that really made my heart skip. He put a threat to it. He said that he'll tell Michel if I didn't so I don't see much choice there. I scoffed at his threat because Michel wouldn't believe him over me and I knew that a lot but I wanted to try what he was offering anyway. A thirst for more coke sucked the life out of my brain and I got up from my bed adjusting my body to comfort my arm. Cutting was painful but it was a pain that felt nice. This pain could kill a thorn bush and that's not an exaggeration. I didn't know how I was to get changed but I knew that I shouldn't let anyone notice and I’ve been doing well thankfully. When Joe shot my arm it didn't bleed that heavily so he may have just chipped my shoulder. I looked up to my curtain in wonder how I could open it, when the sun sieved through my curtain and it gave me a ray of hope that I couldn't be detected. If I could tell Helena that I cut myself to this state she wold tell on me immediately so I’ll just pad up my hands with clothing and bandage it inside my shirt. I'm no doctor but I know that to heal myself I need to have no pain. I can't even remember how wounds get infected! I raced to the bathroom to wash out my bandage and then dry it on the 60°C radiator. I washed my face even though I haven’t worn make-up for about a day and I felt really insecure. It took me a full hour to get ready completely and dad said it's impossible to change for so long. As long as he doesn't know I'm hiding something I'm ok! I was wearing a floury orange shirt that was shaped-for-ladies and black trousers that were really baggy I couldn't stand it.

In the car I planned my escape method while stoking my soft purple hoody that I sneaked into the car. I was currently wearing black high heels and dangly earrings but I wasn't allowed any make-up but I had provisions in my bag. I felt into my picket and saw the sachet of marijuana left from yesterday and decided to consume it in church sack the stupid rule about holiness and purity. My dad made us sing songs and was shocked when I didn’t know the words to 'Oh when the saints' All I knew was the chorus that went 'oh when the saints. Go marching in. Oh when the saints go marching in. I wana be in that number! When the saints go marching in.' not much to know, I thought, pointless song. Then I heard there was more to it. I didn’t even know the words to Amazing Grace so he said that after church he wants me to know at least one. That’s what internet on your phone is for.

When I looked at the building a hard memory struck me. I lash of anger cut my stomach and I said without thinking, 'I'm not going in there.' dad paused to examine my face and knew I was serious. 'What is it Rosie?' he whispered. 'Are you ok?'

Bitterness turned my eyes red and I screamed grabbing his collar of his shirt. I was then dragged in by my mother, kicking and screaming until everyone looked at me. Including pastor Shade. He looked so shocked to see me he stopped the lesson and just stared completely gawped at me.

'What?' I spat. 'I aint staying here long anyway!' I found a seat at the back of my youth church room.

'Shade,' my mum said dangerously and he looked at my mum with fear-who doesn't! 'If she misbehaves. Tell me.' Those three short simple sentences erased all plans of escape. In fact I stayed rooted to my spot nearly all through. I sat next to Helena for group work and she gave me a hug I could never forget. She told me she was so happy to see me there and she hopes I'll be coming often. How disappointed will she be!

'Ok guys let's gather up and talk about what we've discussed. Georgie! I said stop talking! Rosie? Would you like to tell us what you've discussed?' To be honest I was so asleep the I didn't hear anything we were talking about. I didn’t even know what the topic was. I peaked at Helena's open book to find in bold letters FORGIVENESS. Why would such a pig teach that topic because he's the last person I want to forgive. He had better not be describing me; I thought and gave him a glare before saying the topic. One of my brows rose at him until he shuffled his eyes off me. He still continued preaching while doing it. 'You see the prostitute woman that was brought before Jesus thought she was going to die. All the Jewish leaders had accused her and he was the greatest Rabbi of them all. She hung her head counting her minutes. Then when Jesus told her he doesn’t accuse her she nearly jumped for joy.' he paused and looked around to us. 'She seemed to be the most sinful woman of that time yet Jesus forgave her. Imagine if she went ahead and accused someone of their crime to her? Jesus has forgiven even our secret sins and we didn’t even say sorry! Then why should we go again and accuse others of their crime. That doesn’t mean live how you want and say sorry then repeat yourself intentionally. Forgiving withought a sorry to Jesus is like Jesus ignoring your dirt. When you confess he wipes it away so if, heaven forbid, you die today, then you are clean.' I knew those powerful words from a mile away. Pastor Shade had said many powerful words but he goes ahead and does the opposite to what he has preached! Hypocrisy is what it's called and he even preached about that too! He talked more about forgiveness but I switched off. I got so irritated that I excuse myself to the bathroom for a small coke break. As I stared in the mirror I saw so much pain and emptiness built up. Bags under my eyes shone brighter withought my makeup and my insecurity wouldn’t leave me alone. I opened some mascara and eyeliner and went to work, completely forgetting my arm. Though fully padded I could still feel anguish as I raised my hand so I put it down in disgust. I found a way of consuming the powder, being wary of my arm, letting it all go through my veins and give me life that extra push it always wanted. It felt like a gap was being filled up with so much joy. I smiled a long-lost smile and packed my bag to get back. I pretended I was sick so I rubbed water on my face as if I've just washed my face from vomit. I pulled a load of tissue into the toilet as if proof I’ve been sick then walked happily back into the room. Or should I say bouncing. Everyone was shocked (again) about my mood change but I shrugged them off with a whip of my hair. That’s my sign of go away and EVERYONE knows that. (Hence why they turned their heads) I sat again were I was then slouched until it had finished. I couldn’t concentrate though no matter how much I tried. My legs were wanting to run away my eyes stayed wide open, my brain kept daydreaming to different things- even my sore arm was feeling happy and painless! I craved more of it and decided to go on a dangerous mission to get it. After service I stumbled to my mom telling her that I wanted to get the bus home so that I could do my homework early because they were going to a party organised by the church to celebrate my father’s return and deliverance for me and trust me that's the last thing I wanted! My mother is quite naïve at times and at that time she was really naïve because agreed with me allowing me to take the bus to do my 'homework

The bus journey felt like a journey to heaven while in the same time a twist in my stomach made me feel like I was going to hell. I knew what I was doing was dangerous but my nerves as screaming for more coke and I really needed some more to feed this yearn. I put my hoody over my shirt dropping the empty sachet accidentally withought knowing then put on the ground in the bus. One foolish mistake. I texted Hartley back telling him I was coming and I didn’t care about his threat. And he replied 'that’s fine' with a wink. I couldn’t wait to get there and try out even more drugs that were to relieve my pain. One old lady gave me a glare and I smiled but she still refused to stop staring, giving me evils and suspicious looks so when it as my time to get off the bus I literally ran out, avoiding the old lady standing there still on my case. I tapped my food as I waited at his doorstep. My stomach churned even more when I heard footsteps coming to the door. When the knob twisted so did my stomach and when he opened the door I jumped in withought him inviting me in and asked, 'So where is it?'

'Whoa hold on babe!' I was then when I realised he wasn’t wearing any clothes except a tiny pant round his waist.

'Sorry,' I mumbled turning my head but he just shook he head and said,

'Ignore my appearance babe. I’ve got news for you' he went into the kitchen and came back with a newspaper and my hoody on the front page. It read: Mystery hooded Killer. Hoodies are now banned from this region as a mystery killer killed a boy in his sleep with a tiny pistol. Father of the boy is very distraught and is seeking serious revenge to the boy’s killer.' I nearly screamed.

'I know it’s you because that’s my gun. If the police find me they'll think it’s me because it’s my gun.' he brought his drug consumed breath towards my face and I twitched a bit. ‘I’ll take the blame though.'

'Oh thank you!' I cried hugging his bare chest but he pushed me away still shaking his head.

'Under one condition' my heart sunk at those three words and I looked solemnly into his eyes. 'You don’t tell anyone about my stash and you buy from only me.'

'What if I want to stop?'

He smirked and whispered, 'You can’t. These things make you craving for more as they suck you out of the world and into their own peace. If you stop you'll never find peace again. Also I want a kiss before you buy one just for the sake of it.'

'No,' I said putting my finger to his approaching lips. 'Just show me what you've got in that cupboard.'

He pushed me to the cupboard and brought his lips towards mine but I made sure a slap taught him not to do that again. Me and Michel were together forever and he aint going in between us. He rubbed his cheek and mumbled a couple of swear words and I decided to ignore him. As he opened the cupboard I saw so many drugs that I didn’t know even existed! My eyes widened with joy and I whispered, 'You take all of this?'

'Not all.' he replied and stretched his arm towards one side. 'This side is for what I consume and this one is for what I sell.' I instantly knew that the one he sold was greater than what he consumed and I nodded solemnly.

'When shall I start and with what?'

'This is Whizz. You can inhale or swallow it, whatever you feel floats your boat'

'What does it do?'

'Makes you get really energetic and do things quickly. Best for sport really!'

'Nah. What else is there?'

'There’s Dope and weed. Ooh! Try ice or Mushies!' He seemed so eager rushing round picking out the drugs one by one and throwing them on the bed with what you can use to consume them. 'You can buy them all and take them home if you wish.'

'I can't. It's too risky. Dad will sniff me out strait. I mean, he was up all night waiting for me to come home when I went out with Michel and kinda got drunk.'

'So you know how it is to get high do you? Well, all of this is stronger than Dodo (p.s this is not a food for those that are Nigerian and is not poo either) and you don't have to have so much to make you high.'

'Dodo?'

'Alcohol. Babe you know all these things if your gona stay with me!'

'Fine whatever what should I try already!' I cried picking one up only having it slammed down.

'First one's free but you have to pay for the rest that you take. Got it?'

'What's your price?' I asked suspiciously.

'10g is quite a lot so if you buy you give me about £60.'

'Why so expensive?'

'I need money to keep this place alive!'

'Who even buys from you?'

'Loads of people. I rarely leave the house on some days and some days I go to them.'

'Don’t your parents know?'

'Walked out on them two years ago. Don't need them.' I could tell a cold bitterness in his voice when he talked about his parents.

'I feel you, trust me!' We finished talking about our folk and started trying some drugs that by the time I finished I didn't know how to get home.'

'I'll drive you home but I'll take you round the side of your house.'

So that’s how life went for the past few months and strangely I kept feeling sicker and my tummy was getting large. When I told Hartley he said the drugs don’t have that effect and I've probably been naughty with Michel and got myself pregnant. I couldn't believe him. I won’t to the furthest drugstore and bought a pregnancy tester then went to the toilets of the nearest store close to that one, and tested it. Positive. I tested again and again and it kept saying positive. Each time it said positive tears filled my eyes and my heart kept racing faster and faster. It couldn’t be, I thought, I'm still having regular periods so how is that possible? When I went to the doctors they too said I was pregnant. I cried so badly in the presence of the doctor and she wrapped her arm round me asking questions that she didn't need to know. I shook my head at her and got up from my chair thanking her for her time. I could tell she was frustrated but I couldn't stay there. I had to tell Michel. This was the seal of our relationship and he's definitely going to keep me and we could share responsibilities and...

'That's your fault babe,' was his response when I called him on my phone.

'What?' I cried. 'You've stripped my virginity off me and then say that's my problem!'

'You're a strong girl. You could have fought me.'

'I did it because I was drunk and I wanted you to love me!'

'You said you enjoyed it...'

'That was so that you can love me just like all the things I've done with you! Why did you suddenly think its ok to just turn your back on me when you see a responsibility with me?'

'Yeah I'm sorry for taking your virginity babe I took was drunk but I can’t look after a child when I'm years away! You don’t have to keep it...'

'Yes I do. I aint killing a child like you've killed a heart!'

'I really don't give a shit bout you now kid. You’re just a constant moaner and the baby is your fault. You want to keep it when I told you to get rid of it. You're just pathetic and hopeless and I doubt you'll get anywhere in life. Get out from my life and don’t ever call me again or I'll change my number!'

'But....' my plea was cut off with a drone of the phone. He cut off on me! He took my virginity away, said our baby was my fault, called me useless and CUT THE PHONE ON ME! If he was in my presence I would have knocked him there and then. He wasn’t in my presence he was far away dodging the responsibility of having a child leaving me to labour on my own. I hated him so much I texted all the swear words I could at him. I knew he'd probably change his number but that didn't change my feelings. To be honest nothing could. I felt so dirty and heavy and if time came soon my parents would find out. I slumped on the floor as I threw my phone down in anger and nearly got my razor out until I remembered there were other ways. I burned a sachet that Hartley gave me, trying to inhale my worries away at but still I felt more burdened than ever. I wept bitterly until my eyes were red and then got an unexpected text from a long-lost friend. No it was not Helena. It was Ogu. The one that tried to warn me about everything and I ignored her. She's forgiven me and is actually talking to me so when I opened the text my heart warmed instantly. Until I read what she said.