Chapter 7

I think of a place where I could crashed in. I listed some people in my head where I could try my luck. I could be joining Brentley or Dornan and I think their girl wouldn't mind me staying on their room. I listed out Guz and Armie because obviously one of them is in the states and one wouldn't like to put himself in situations because he already has things in life that matters, his wife and the unborn child. Well, I'm proud of these two guys because they are already found their purpose in life and still striving themselves in future dilemma.

And I think it would be better if I get to stay on Brentley's roof. I changed my route and headed to his house. I texted Brentley that I'm going to crashed his house and while I'm heading to his place, I received a messaged from him and I step on the brake when I read it. Bro, I'm sorry, some rooms has been taken into renovations and I couldn't just give you the couch, try Dornan or Guz.

Napabuntunghininga na lang din naman ako ng mabasa ko iyon. And then I had no choice but to go to Dornan. I was out of choices and if Dornan wouldn't let me crash on his house, then I guess I would find myself in some cheap unit 'cause if I stay in a high end condo, that would cut my money straight.

Not that oong when I reach Dornan's place. He wasn't responding to my messages that I'm coming to his place but I'm hoping that he's there and open wide his arms on me. Hindi ako nawawalan ng pag-asa na si Dornan ang isa mga may mabuting loob sa aming lahat. Bumaba ako ng sasakyan at tumungo sa gate. I push the doorbell and waited for someone who'll accompany me. I was hoping that Dornan would show up on me, but it was just their maid.

Nagulat pa ang babaeng maid nang makita ako nito. She knows me very well because we used to hang out on Dornan's house when we're 10 or 11.

"Ser, ano pong ginagawa nito rito?"

"Is Dornan here?"

Agad naman itong umiling sa akin, "wala po si Ser Onan, dito."

I chuckles when she says that, I wouldn't get used to hear it. It always gonna be funny to me, "where is he?"

"Hindi ko po alam kung nasaan po siya ngayon ser at saka hindi na dito umuuwi si ser Onan. Sa condo unit na nila ni Eyre sa business city. Kung gusto nyo po, tawagan ko sila ngayon at sabihin na nandito ka... para pala saan po ser?"

I let out a sighed and shook my head, "wala, don't worry about it. Thanks for you time, I'm just gonna go..."

The maid left with questions in her head and I get back to my car and drive away. At dahil kailangan ko na ring pumasok sa trabaho ay mamaya ko na lang ipagpapatuloy ang paghahanap ng matutuluyan. I was late of half an hour when I arrived the office. When I reach the floor where my office is located, I find something different within their looks. Nang makarating ako sa desk ko ay biglang lumapit sa akin ang secretary ko at pansin ko rin ang pagtataka sa kanyang mukha at hindi ko alam kung bakit.

"Ah sir..." she started.

"Not now please. Don't disturb me for now and if I had meetings today, cancel them all."

"Sir..." and it was like she's trying to say something but I have no interest of listening to it. When she notice that I'm not interactive on her, she leave my office quietly.

I sat on the swivel chair and lay my back to rest. Pinaikot ko naman ang kinauupuan ko at humarap sa salamin kung saan nakikita ang tanawin sa labas. I stood up and walk closer to it. I slid my hands on my pocket and just look at the scenery of buildings and blue sky. When I just thought of how its clear and peaceful to see this kind of things in sight, I just wonder if it was life. Peace and away from miserable things. I just hope that it didn't turn out like this.

I turn around and headed to a corner desk and pick up the wine bottle and pour it on a glass. Habang nagsasalin ako ay biglang bumukas ang pinto ng office ko. Nagulat pa ako ng makita ko ang ama kong pumasok sa loob. His aura still looks arrogant and this time, he comes with a different tone on it. Diretsyo lamang ang tingin nito sa akin, it is like he doesn't want to see me, still no choice because we're in the same building.

"What are you doing here, Danford?" he asked, his voice are deep, really dominating.

"What do you think a person doing in an office, huh, pops?" I gulped the wine from the glass and pour another one.

He didn't mind what I said and directly told me the purpose of his coming into my office. "I'm dismissing you on the company, Danford."

The bottle almost slipped in my hands but good thing it didn't, sayang ang alak. But what shocked me was his words and I couldn't believe him saying those to me and I just laughed. Maybe he's just taking it all a joke after what happened earlier in breakfast.

"You're joking, right?" I asked, still plastered with chuckling face.

But his was straight and that wasn't good. "I'm not."

"What the hell, why would you do that?!"

"Lower down your voice, Danford." He commanded, and I have no against to it. I'm already doomed. "We cared for you, Danford. You were still my son and that wouldn't change but this time, I think its time for you to fix yourself. You mother and I don't know what's happening to you and what are you doing in you life. We know you want your personal life and we respect that. I'm just dismissing you from your position on the company just for now, you can still have it back when you are ready. Just for now, there's something you gotta need to do some business and you have you plan for yourself and fix what's broken with you."

"I'm not broken, you don't know anything about me."

"Yes we know nothing about you, but we know that you are our son, my son. I'm afraid that you'll end up like your brother—"

I interjected on his sentence, "I'm not like him, never gonna be so don't you ever portay him as me. Hinding-hindi ako magiging siya. We're different but if you want to do it like that, then fine. I'm gonna leave this company and make sure, I'm not gonna step back to it again."

"You don't want that Danford," my father said. "This is your life. I just want you to fix yourself because the company need your problem and we know you had and we just want the best for you. If you want to be on your own, we'll still support but believe us, we don't want to lose a son again. I may be strict but for family, I'm no heartless."

I shook my head, "there's no need of fixing me."

"What do you mean son?"

"I can't be fixed."

When he's about to walk to me, I stopped him, "don't, I'm gonna walk away to this company and," I took a deep breath. "If you think fixing me would the way to bring back what was lost to me, I'm afraid that, I can't go back. I'm already lost."

I grab the bottle of wine and my coat. Nang madaanan ko si papa palabas ng office ay hindi ko na ito tinignan pa. There are people outside the office as when they see me, they immediately goes back to their own desk and acted like they were busy doing something. I headed straight to the elevator and pushed the basement floor as it delivers me straight to the parking area. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko. After all what's happening to my life, halos kulang na lang ay gumapang ako sa mga pangyayari sa buhay ko.

Do I deserve all these things?

Of course, it wouldn't happen to me if I didn't.

Fuck off that shit.

Reality sucks.

I started the engine and get off the premises. Wala akong ideya ngayon kung saan ako pupunta. I'm now a NPA. I won't go back to GCS and make it my home, iyon nga ang dahilan kung bakit nagsira-sira ang buhay ko ngayon at gagawin ko ang lahat para lang makaalis sa kanila.

When I check my contacts, to whom shall I crashed, her name popped up on the screen. It is crucial for me to think that maybe she would help me but the reason that we broke up because I don't want her to be part of what's happening to my life now. Kung noon, nagagawa ko pang magsaya pero ngayon, it was like restraining me to do anything. I got to lose out something in life and I decided to lose some people in my life and I know in return of that, they would be safe without me.

I can have a relief on that. I can take care of myself, I just don't know how to make it.

Habang nagda-drive ako ay tinamaan ako ng hilo kaya naghanap ako ng mapaghihintuan ng sasakyan at doon magpahinga. Even if I'm having headache now, I still gulped the remaning wine on the bottle and it doesn't matter if its dripping on my mouth to my corporate attire. That didn't bother me until tears are just carelessly falls in my eyes. Sobrang weak. Hindi ko inaasahan na daratinig ako sa puntong ito ng buhay ko.

Halos wala nang natira.

Halos kailangan ng importante sa buhay ko ay pinagtabuyan ko na para lang matakasan ang isang problemang pilit na sumisira sa buhay ko. Ginagawa ko naman ang mga paraan para makalaya sa problemang pilit akong dinadagan and yet, the struggles keeps me strong.

Tears aren't signs of weakness, it also how you care that you can't just give up in the midst of everything.

-

I woke up when it's already dark. I panicked when I checked the clock that it was already seven pm. Kahit na medyo hihilo-hilo pa ako ay mabilis kong pinaandar ang sasakyan papunta sa Hot Cave Club kung saan gaganapin ko na ang unang araw ko bilang performer sa akin. I'll do that job for the sake of my freedom. Walang attachment na mangyayari at kailanman, hindi na ako babalik dito matapos ang misyong ito.

This will be the only time that I'm going back and forth to this place. My life.

When I reach the place and parked my car. I headed to the entrance, staring at the LED name of the club and took a deep sighed, welcome to desperation of freedom.