~this symbols means this chapter is from Rhiannon's POV~

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       I am very aware of the smile on my lips as I type on my phone, and I purposely keep my eyes on the screen not only to make sure I don't make an absurd and extremely humiliating typo, but also to avoid the scrutinising and mocking looks from my friends. Without taking a peek I can guess the kind of expression they are wearing as we all sit at the library, studying. That tight grin while they push their chins against their necks —double chin and all— and looking at me like they know exactly what I'm doing, which they find infinitely amusing, their eyebrows high in their foreheads as they wait for me to look at them.

It's perturbing how similar they can look, and even if they are not related, it must be because they've been all their lives together. Seriously, how do they not get bored of each other? Or why don't they just date?

I keep my eyes on the screen even as I wait for an answer, although this might take a bit, but I just don't want to face my friends right now when I can't control my own foolish smile.

Considering my fingers aren't moving anymore, they assume I'm done texting and the teasing begins.

"Awww, isn't our Rhiannon the cutest when she has a crush?" one of my friend sing-songs with a falsetto that kind of hurts in your ears.

"First off, Charles," I make emphasis in his name, knowing he doesn't like being called that. "I don't have a crush, and second off, I'm always cute." To make a point, I actually look at them this time, putting my phone away and propping my weight on my elbows as I cup my own face in my hands, batting eyelashes and doing my best puppy face.

"That's true," Ella, my other friend, supplies. "Unless she's in the lab then she's scarily precise. And when Rhi is opening bodies? Then she looks like a serial killer in those crime show, but oddly that suits her."

It's not like I hear that for the first time, so I just shrug and flip my curls in a nonchalant gesture, like saying, 'what can you do?'

Ella, Charlie and I have been friends for a few years, since we met in our freshman year in uni, the three of us going into medicine. They have known each other since like forever and it was evident from the first time I saw them they came in a pack. You just couldn't separate them, but they weren't closed off, they just approached everyone together. Many thought they were dating but they've always said that's incest and to please stop revolting their stomachs with ghastly comments like those.

I don't remember exactly who talked first to whom. At some point I was just in friendly terms with my classmates and then someday I was always by Ella's and Charlie's side, somehow being adopted by them, getting to know them as I let them help me heal from past scars.

Our friendship is a fifty percent support and love, and the other fifty percent is just bullying, but fond bullying.

We've been through a lot already, from the stressful life of being a uni student, with the pressure to do well and graduate on time, to those heartfelt moments when we've shared our secrets and exposed those scars that still hurt.

Charlie is afraid he'll live under his family's shade forever and won't even succeed without their help.

Ella is afraid she let go of the love of her life and that she might never see him again.

I'm afraid of losing someone I love again, incapable of saving them.

When we have one of those days when you're more scared than usual, when the world seems unbalanced and fragile, like as if you touch something it'll break apart... in those moments we have each other and I'm really grateful for having them as friends now.

Secretly I am jealous I didn't grow up with them, that I can't never have the bond those two have, but I'm just grateful they are part of my life now, so I don't really mind all their teasing, as long as they don't do it in front of someone important.

Right now they tease me about having a crush, which is totally not the case. I'm just talking to this youtuber I really like, but I have no idea what she looks like or where she lives and the like. I know she's English and probably lives in London based on her accent, I know she's a girl and called Roselle and I know she's really talented at styling hair.

Roselle has small and chubby hands, but they move with such grace and speed when she's doing her art. She can create such intrinsic things on the head of a mannequin, while making it sound so simple when she explains it all. Her voice is sweet and gives me the impression of someone shy and innocent, like a kid in a way.

This youtuber is also so cute, I don't even know how to explain it but she is adorable when she speaks, when she replies to anyone that leaves a comment on her videos or posts, so kind when she tries to helps us with every video.

She's so cute!

"And she's giggling again!" Charlie cries out, almost a shriek, and I swear if he hadn't said it, I wouldn't have known I was giggling again. I was just thinking of this youtuber and that's my reaction, especially because it seems I've caused an impression on her.

Roselle is fairly famous, loads of people leave comments so I'm sure she can't reply to everyone, yet she always replies to mine and we actually have conversations. We actually have conversations through private messages on Instagram sometimes!

What? Aren't I allowed to be excited about that?

"It's because she's so cute," I reply, just checking my phone again to see her latest reply, with an adorable picture of a kitten holding a flower, and I just think how that's so her. "Look! Where does she even find those pictures?"

Cue to my words, I show them the picture of the kitten Roselle sent me, and both Charlie and Ella react the same way: "Awwww."

See? It's not only me.

"Who's this human, though? Is she the same one you're always texting with?" Ella asks, spinning her pen through her fingers in a blurry motion.

"It's the youtuber I asked you to watch the other time," I reply putting my phone away after sending a heart to Roselle.

"The one you forced us to watch, you mean?" Charlie questions, arching eyebrows and challenging expression.

"I didn't force you, I just didn't gave you another option," I clarify but he only rolls his eyes, throwing his arms in the air. "But yeah, it's her, the youtuber that's never shown her face. She replied once and she kept doing it for a while."

"Ah, you got all cosy already. When's the wedding?" Ella teases with a fond smile.

"It's not like that, though," I try to explain this time. "She's adorable and all that, but I don't have a crush-crush on her. She awakens this protective instinct in me, I don't know why, and she's very sweet and so feminine and excuse me for loving watching hairstyles tutorials."

"It's okay, we know you're a beautiful flower, but with many thorns, and you love adorable things." I just nod my head at Ella's words. "But crush aside, you do seem more smitten with this youtuber."

I shrug, not discussing that because I don't see anything bad with it. "It's not a romantic crush, though. I don't even know what she looks like and what kind of person she really is. Who knows, she might be faking it all and she's a snob. Maybe I'm just bewitched with her talent and utterly envious I can't even plat my hair."

"I'm not sure anyone can, and I don't want to be mean but most of the time your hair looks like it'll attack me if I touch it, and I constantly feel the need to do that because it looks fluffy... but deadly," Charlie comments and I give him a dead glare.

"Well, excuse me for having unruly frizzy deadly hair!"

"It's beautiful," Charlie inputs solemnly. "And anti-gravity..."

Even if I want to keep glaring at Charlie, I can't because the chuckles escape me. Making bad jokes about my hair isn't new to me, growing up with such curly and thick hair made me victim to constant teasing, among other things. Kids are kids and have no awareness of what they are doing, but my Momma always said it was pretty and I should never feel ashamed or self-conscious because of what other people said. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, some might thing something is ugly, some might think it's not, that's why beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I was given everything I have and I should be grateful I'm healthy and love myself as I am, because that on its own is a miracle regardless if some people think it's not pretty or whatever. That's why jokes or the like are not offensive to me, especially coming from friends when I know they are just joking and their words have no bite. But even if other people are mean with their words, I grew up strong enough to not let those words get to me.

"You're just jealous you're going bald already," I tease Charlie back and he gasps so loudly I'm sure he even hurt his throat.

"I am not, mind you. I just don't have as much hair as others do." Next thing he does is glaring at Ella and I. Ella with her long blond curly hair also knows her quota of fighting defying-gravity frizz. The two of us just shake our heads, flipping our hair. "Why am I friends with you two? I need male friends that have their hair evenly distributed on their bodies so I won't be victim of this type of bullying anymore."

Ella and I just laugh at him.

This is how our friendship is, getting distracted in the middle of conversations with just random jokes and comments. I'm not sure how we manage to have normal conversations. Do we even have those?

"Going back to the youtuber," Ella mentions then. "I hope she's not faking it and that you learn from her. If you do, please do my hair for our graduation."

"We have a while before that. Good. I need years to learn to do a proper plat."

Ella and Charlie give me thumbs up and encouraging smiles, I just chuckle and go back to my phone, wondering if Roselle sent something else.

I really don't know why I'm smitten —quoting Ella, not that I am— with this youtuber, why do I get this vibe from her, but I don't think it's a bad thing. Moreover, with all the stress that comes from studying and just life, isn't just healthy to have someone else to talk to that makes you smile effortless with just the picture of a cat?

When I unlock my phone I see she indeed has sent something else, a picture of a model with similar hair like mine, asking if that looks like mine so she can get an idea for the next video. I feel so touched that she is really thinking to make her next video to help me and it makes me all giddy inside.

And like that I'm back to ignoring Ella and Charlie to chat with Roselle, explaining better the troubles I have with my hair.

The smile never leaves my lips.

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What can I say? Life is difficult. Trying to re-enchant yourself with what used to be your biggest passion is hard. Trying to make ends meet is hard. Trying to figure out what you're doing with your life is difficult. I'm just trying to keep going and writing in the middle of the storm that my own emotions are.

Bel, xx