Getting everything ready to shoot a video is second nature for me by now. Choosing the mannequin and wig, fixing the camera in the right angle so only my hands will be shown. Setting all the tools I'll need to accomplish the hairstyle I'll be showing this time. I've done this so many times that by now I can prepare everything without thinking much about it, just going over my head the best way to explain it.

I do these videos once or every two weeks in which I show how to accomplish certain hairstyle, sometimes I even shoot my hands doing it on myself to help people do the same to themselves. I haven't done that lately as I've wained some weight over autumn.

For someone who's always inside home, becoming a youtuber sounded farfetched and impossible. I mean, what can I share? What life experience do I have? What social skills make me an appealing character? In my nineteen years the farthest I've gone is the big terrace we have, the rooftop and the hospital. That I can remember, maybe when I was a baby Mum took me somewhere but I'm not aware of it. As if my lack of life experience wasn't enough, I don't look like something people will enjoy watching on their screens. Other youtubers are witty, funny, cute, talented or whatever. What can an overweight girl who doesn't have a single friend aside from her own mother say on a video blog?

Honestly, I don't even know how I started doing this. I have always liked playing with hair. Mum bought me every doll I wanted but instead of playing house and such, I played to the hair saloon. My dolls always had very different styles and as I grew up, these styles became more intrinsic and I started to make up my own ideas instead of copying the ones I had seen. Mum also always allowed me to do her hair when she was home, sometimes even preferring what I would do over her own stylists. Moreover, I always played with my hair, doing something different with it.

Right now my hair is actually cotton candy pink and one month ago it was like a rainbow.

I used to watch videos online, wanting to learn new techniques and such, and I stumbled upon youtube tutorials. I copied them and started growing curious, wondering if I could do the same. I didn't want to show myself, I didn't want to show my face and be a model like others, but I wanted to show what I could do.

And that's how I shot my first video, just to try out. It was such a shock when I actually received comments and views, people telling me it was easy to follow and thanking me for the video.

I bounced around the house laughing like a fool when I got my first subscriber.

Probably, I got addicted to that type interaction and for that reason, I continued making videos, answering to people's comments but never showing my face. I used the mannequins I had for practise to illustrate and it kept growing from there. I'm not a mega famous youtuber, but I do have a few thousands subscribers by now who eagerly await for a new video every week.

Mum is aware I do this and supports it, as she always does when I show any kind of interest in anything, as long as it does not expose me physically to people. She always watches my videos and likes them.

The head mannequins I have are very diverse. Different hair colours, textures, lengths and such. I like working with different styles and make sure to keep a wide range of options for me to practise. Today I'll be working with long, heavy and thick black hair; that type of hair that always gets loose because it's too straight and you can't keep it in any hairstyle unless you cover it in kilos of hairspray. My followers have asked me how to accomplish a messy hairdo with that type of hair without having it falling thirty minutes later and without using a whole can of hairspray.

It's not an easy task.

Once I have it all set to start recording, I begin with the usual speech welcoming viewers to my channel and new video. I might not be physically appealing, but at least I have a good voice I don't hate hearing when I edit my videos. It's soft and calm, it sounds patient and kind and I guess that helps my videos.

"Welcome once again to one of my video tutorials," I say as cheerful as ever. "I have been getting this question quite frequently from my subscribers with mega straight hair. They always struggle because whatever they do to their hair ends up disappearing thirty minutes later. They just want a bit of volume, right?" To illustrate the type of hair I mean, I run my fingers through the strands of the head mannequin. "This is a type of hair that puts a lot of resistance to any hairstyle and why people normally wear it loose, especially if they have long hair because the weight of it only adds up to the problem. It's a bit easier to give volume when it's short."

Like that, I continue speaking about the type of hair and some of the problems, obviously making mistakes but then I'll edit it all out. Then I proceed to teach them how to give some texture and volume to the hair, going for a very loose side braid, using the brush to give volume and mess the hair, which will give it grip enough to last some more. I also have to use some hairspray and bobby pins to help, but that's for every hairstyle.

The shooting normally lasts like half hour or more, but I have to cut a lot from it and fasten the speed of some parts and such.

Once it's done, I have to pull everything away while I transfer the video from my camera to my computer. This is my routine, and sure, I play some music so I don't feel alone. Currently, Mum is out in some shooting. She is supposed to come back today, but I'm not sure the time of her arrival. Contrary to me, she just shows on the screen as the actress she is, other people film, produce, plan and edit the video. I do all that myself. I'm not very skilled when it comes to editing, but I have learnt a lot through the years doing this.

Before putting the wig away, I take a picture I post on my Instagram to give a sneak peek of what's to come to my followers. The comments start showing quite soon, excited to know how I accomplished that and such. I reply to some while I wait for the video to export.

It's true I don't have a single friend in real life, but I do interact a lot with people on the internet. Mostly my followers as they are very kind and supportive. Some stand out among all of them and I keep in touch with them, talking almost every day and actually waiting for their feedback once I post a new video or picture.

It makes me feel less lonely.

There's one person I have been noticing lately. Her comments are always kind and so encouraging, and for some reason I read them in a very cheerful voice. I'm not sure why I get that feeling from her comments, but they seem joyful. She has started commenting just recently and following me on Instagram: I recognise the username.

RisforRhiannonAndArrgh

And it's cute that her icon is a dinosaur with an afro and a lab coat. I think it's because she's a med student. Once I went to her Instagram profile and she doesn't have many pictures, but most of them were either food or medicine stuff, like books and things I don't know the name of. We keep talking through the comments and she seems a very happy person.

I'm just going to finally start editing the video when I hear a knock at my door. As I was listening to music I didn't hear the passcode from the main door. I know it has to be Mum. The cleaning staff that work here never come in any of my rooms (I only have two, my room and my studio) when I'm there, they don't even knock at the door or anything.

"Come in!" I call out, louder than the music as I watch the door opening.

As expected, it's Mum looking both gorgeous and extremely tired. She holds two bowls with ice cream as she smiles and approaches me. I smile back, standing up to go greet her with a hug while she carefully keeps the bowls balanced in her hands.

"Welcome home, Mum," I say as I pull back, still smiling.

She's been out for three days shooting in the north of the country, so I've been really lonely.

"How's my Rose? Oh, I missed you so much, my girl," Mum says, pulling me again for a hug. "I also brought your favourite ice cream!"

"Yay!" I cheer, pulling back and taking one bowl from her hands. They have exactly the same amount of strawberry cheesecake flavour ice cream.

With my bowl in hand, we walk to the sofa to sit together.

"How did everything go while I was out?" Mum asks although it's not really necessary, we talk every night when she's out and nothing really goes on to report.

"I shot a new video today, I was going to start editing when you came," I reply and she immediately starts asking about the new video so we get carried away in the conversation.

I show her what I did and how I decided to go for that video this time. She tells me about the shooting and the problems they had, how tired she is but glad that she's back with me, because she's missed me loads.

Tomorrow is Mum's day off so she suggests leaving the editing for later and watch a movie together and get some delivery food because no one is in the mood for cooking.

And that's how we end up in the movie room. It's just a room specially designed to watch films, with a wall for projection, comfortable sofas and some other things like a mini fridge and stuffed toys or cushions and blankets. We also have another wall covered with many film titles. Mum is an actress, what else can you expect from her?

We usually watch movies together, although it always ends up in Mum falling asleep while I play with her hair. If she does too soon in the movie, my revenge is leaving her hair in a mess. Although I don't do that this time because I know she's really tired and she just suggested the movie so we could cuddle together.

Mum is really my best and only friend, so when she's not around I miss her a lot. I have friends online, but it's not the same as talking to someone face-to-face, properly interacting with them. Of course I wish I could be like this and interact with other people, but I hate seeing Mum upset or anxious. She really fears someone might hurt me or that something can happen to me while I'm not here. She'd prefer bringing the world to me instead of letting me go into the world.

While Mum sleeps with her head on my lap, I take my phone as I'm not really into the film either. I check the comments again, looking for one from Rhiannon (I assume thats her name, based on her username). I smile when I find it.

Although this isn't a problem I struggle with, it's super cute and useful for others! You did amazing as usual. Looking forward to the full video!

I reply, asking for what would be useful for her and what she struggles with, although I have a clue of what it could be.

While I scroll down my timeline, I wait for her reply hoping she's still online. I can't help my smile when I do see she's replied.

I have impossible curly hair and I lack the patience to do anything with it so I let it be free and try to conquer the world.

I giggle at that, already typing my reply where I joke along the idea of her hair aiming for world domination. And for the rest of the film I keep talking to her, laughing at times and trying to be as witty as her. All the time, Mum continues sleeping and the only sound that echoes around is the film playing and my giggles.

Quite the normal occurrence in this household.

✂︎ ✂︎ ✂︎

Hello there! I know it was supposed to be last week but I lost track of time. Seriously, this slips through my fingers and I can't do anything to stop it. Frustrating. Anyhow! The story is starting and I know it is not really exciting to begin with, but it's difficult not to be like this with a character like Roselle. Hence why this book will have double POV.

The fan art was made by @biasnotfound on Tumblr looooong ago. Thank you for it!

Bel, xx

Dedication to explosivestrings

~updates every Monday~