I don’t stop until I find a secluded place where no one will find me. Only then do I bend down, hugging my knees and closing my eyes every so tightly. I can’t calm my heart down and I’m still shaking. I don’t know what I want, whether to go running back to him or away from him and I think my body is shaking because I’m that torn. What I want and what I should do pull me in different directions and my body can’t keep up with it.

Why can’t things be just simple? Why is it that a relationship, no matter what kind, is never only two people? Someone is always making opinions or requests, saying things that they have no right to say. The worst part is that even if we don’t want to listen, they always affect us. Other’s opinions always find a way to make it inside our heads until they modify and reshape our own thoughts. I’m sure that if I didn’t care about Liam’s family’s opinion I would’ve forgotten all about the contract and just continued a real relationship with Liam. If Simon hadn’t requested for a definite breakup, I would’ve given in the moment Liam even mentioned it. Or we wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. But of course other’s opinions affect us and what Liam and I had wasn’t just our business. It was his label’s, his career’s, and his family’s. Even my Dad’s! I don’t think he would approve of me in an actual relationship with someone who demanded for a girlfriend after bursting into a room where two people were having a meeting.

I groan, feeling the beginning of a migraine throbbing at my temples. I take my hands and rub the sore spot, but it doesn’t help. My head is a war zone and both sides are fighting to death, mercilessly. I hate war! Why is this even happening in my head?

I start counting in my head, focusing on that instead the turbulent thoughts. Once I read Bitterblue and in that book she used maths problems to dissipate the fog of mental control. I try that and, as I’m not good with numbers, it actually takes all my concentration to solve an easy problem without using paper, as 5,836 in 82,082; which is 14.

When I’m done with that I do feel better, more at ease and I’m surprised that numbers helped me to clear my mind instead of words. And I’m surprised that when I start to become aware of my surroundings once again, everyone is being called to have dinner. I go to my table and I’m so grateful that it’s not next to Liam. But then, when I can see him and my heart races again, I regret ever being grateful. And I don’t know if he made Ruth tell him, but when I sit down, he is already watching me, as if he was expecting me to join the others. I avoid his eyes but I do notice he didn’t come with another date and I don’t even try to deny the relief I feel at that.

I can barely taste the food and I feel bad about that, because it looks amazing and everyone seems to enjoy it, but it’s as if I were drinking water. This is because I can feel Liam’s eyes on me the whole time and I can’t notice anything else.

Then it comes the time for the toast and I tense up because I know Liam will make a speech and I’m scared. He was drinking when I bumped into him. Did he continue drinking? Is he going to make a scene again? Only after the best man’s and made of honour’s speech, I dare to look at Liam when I see him standing up, with a glass in his hand. This time his eyes are on Ruth and Arthur and I can see how tense they are. I feel bad for Liam for the first time—regarding this issue—because clearly nobody trusts him.

“Hello everyone. Maybe some of you remember me as the jerk that ruined the rehearsal dinner party,” he begins and I feel my guts twisting. “I apologise for what happened there. I offended everyone, but mostly my sister, who did nothing to deserve that. Ruth, I don’t deserve you. You’ve always been so good to me. You supported me when I needed it the most and I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without you or anyone else in our family. I’m so blessed to have you all,” he continues and I feel the lump in my throat tightening for a new reason: emotion. I look at Ruth and her eyes are watering. “Since I was a kid I always thought you’d be by my side. Then I grew up and knew you’d meet a man and start your own family, but I always believed that no man would deserve you… until Arthur showed up.” He chuckles affectionately, nodding towards the groom. “I could never give my sister to any other man but you, Arthur. I know no one else could love her like you do.”

Arthur and Ruth look at each other, leaning shoulder to shoulder and putting their foreheads together in the most adorable gesture I’ve seen in a long time.

“I’m sorry for causing you two so much trouble, please know I’m deeply sorry and I wish for you the best life together. Love is not an easy thing, I’ve learnt that. I thought it was easy because Mum and Dad made it seem easy. Because you and Arthur make it look so easy, as if all you need to make it work is love, but it doesn’t work like that, right?” He gives me a glimpse and I gulp, remembering those times we talked about this very issue. “You need trust, you need understanding, and you need patience. Love is just one of the materials for the foundation of a house. If one of these is not strong enough, the house will stumble down at the first storm.” My breath gets caught in my throat because he’s saying exactly what I told him, and he’s looking at me so intently I can’t even look away. “You and Arthur have all the materials, you’re building a solid and strong house that will be standing storm after storm, and then you’ll fill that house with the family Ruth always dreamt of. I just wish that one day I’ll also make love look like an easy thing. Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s great and I’m sure you’ll be happy. I love you, sis. I love you, brother-in-law. Cheers!” he exclaims finishing his speech with a Ruth that’s fighting back the tears and an Arthur that holds her close, both smiling lovingly to Liam.

Everyone else raises their glasses and cheer for the newlyweds, clapping and then drinking after a great speech.

“We love you, too, Liam!” Ruth and Arthur exclaim and they smile at each other. I feel my whole chest getting warmer after those words. It was a simple speech but it carried all the emotion necessary and it was like Liam. I felt it honest, raw and hopeful, even a bit naïve as he is with a little bit of selfishness. I loved his speech.

I have no idea why he’s acting like a jerk again, but he’s not the same guy I met seven months ago. He’s grown up and learnt from his mistakes and become a better man. Maybe he’s angry. Maybe he’s bitter after what happened. Maybe he’s frustrated and that’s why he’s acting like that. I don’t know and I haven’t even dared to talk to him to know how he’s doing. I was hurt by the situation and how we parted ways, but I care too much about him to just let things end like this.

That’s why after they cut the cake and everyone cheers for the newlyweds, I approach Liam.

“That was a wonderful speech,” I say and when he turns around and sees me standing next to him, I can see his eyes widening in surprise.

“Belle! You’re still here. I thought you left already, I couldn’t find you,” he blurts out and I fight the smile. A part of me is pleased he was looking for me.

“I’m still here. I wanted to congratulate you and, well, ask how you’re doing. I haven’t seen good articles about you recently,” I decide to be bold and just go straight to the point.

Liam sighs heavily, looking down for a few seconds. “I’m coping, I think,” he confesses. “I think I’m going through all those stages, you know? Denial, anger, depression, acceptance… I don’t even know the order but those ones; you know the ones I’m talking about?” I nod and he sighs relieved this time. “I’m sorry for what happened that day, Belle. I didn’t even let you say a word. I was just… so angry and frustrated.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I got angry, too. I didn’t want things to end like that between us because no matter how they started, I did have a great time with you, Liam. I grew very fond of you,” I confess although I’m not expressing the full length of my feelings for him, but I don’t think it would help us if I do.

He looks at me with such pain in his eyes, longing and defeat at the same time. “I didn’t want things to be over,” he accepts and now I’m the one sighing because even if he never said that before, I knew it.

“There were things above us, Liam: your boss and your career. That decision didn’t depend only on us,” I tell him and the heartbreak in his eyes makes the one I’m feeling even worse.

“If we had met in a different situation, would you have stayed with me?” he questions and I ponder this. I know I would, the answer is easy, what it’s not is whether I should tell him this or not. What would hurt him less?

Because I’m tired of pretending I say, “I would’ve, most definitely.”

I can see happiness in his eyes but also a horrible ache that makes me want to cry for him, and for me. For us. It’s so true that love is not nearly all that you need for a relationship to work.

“Would you dance with me one last time?” he asks, his voice sounds a bit strangled and I don’t trust mine to reply, so I just nod, only then noticing other couples dancing to the rhythm of the music.

Liam leads me to the dance floor, his hand on the small of my back and I can feel its warmth trespassing through the fabric and reaching my own skin. When we find a spot, his hands land on my hips and I wrap my arms around his neck as we dance to a slow song I don’t even know. Slowly, I start leaning into him, hugging him tighter, hiding my face in the crook of his neck. I take a deep breath and the smell of his cologne fills my nostrils, wrapping me in a familiar scent. I feel weak in his arms, like my legs can’t keep me on my feet but Liam holds me strongly and I’m safe here.

The hole in my chest is so big now and so painful. It’s like every heartbeat aches and makes me want to cry for help because I don’t want to part ways again, because it’s worse like this. I want to hold on to him forever and forget everyone and everything around us.

His hands go up and down my back, making me shiver and I hold him even tighter, my body fitting in his embrace not perfectly like two contiguous pieces in a puzzle, but comfortably, safely.

The song changes and we keep dancing, not saying a word, just holding on to each other. It changes again, to a more uplifting one and we just hold on to each other, dancing to a different rhythm. Probably to the rhythm of heartache and denial.

At some point he pulls back and I look up, just to see in his face the same longing that’s burning in my chest, filling that damn hole I house within.

“I’m so glad I asked for a girlfriend,” he says with an amused smile and I chuckle. “They really got me the best one.”

“I’m glad you asked for a girlfriend. It was only bad at first,” I conclude and he laughs, pressing his forehead against mine.

Why is this hurting so much? We are just saying nice things but it was easier when we were shouting at each other and slamming doors. This pain is so consuming, so voracious that I don’t know how to deal with it.  The only similar pain I’ve felt is when my mother died—that was worse—but why does this hurt me that much? It’s just a goodbye.

“Thank you for everything, Belle,” he says and his words feel like daggers through my flesh. “I’ll miss you,” he breathes out and I think I’ll start crying now and I’m sure that if I speak I’ll let a sob come out so I do the only other thing I can think of: I kiss him. I close my eyes and kiss him desperately and he does the same, hugging me so tight it hurts but I don’t care about that now, because I can only kiss him. As I get drunk in his familiar taste, I also feel the tears running down my cheeks. I can’t believe I’m crying again.

I step back before I drag him somewhere else and do something that would make things worse for the both of us. “Goodbye, Liam. It was my pleasure,” I whisper, my voice breaking and I pull away even more, breaking all contact. I can’t take this anymore so I just turn on my heels and run away because staying there longer is only hurting us further. We said goodbye, it’s time to move on.

-:-:-

I do think this is the sad chapter, although I find this story to be the less dramatic and less painful. Anyhow, that's my opinion. I hope you still enjoyed the chapter. Another tomorrow.

Bel, xx