Something curious happens during our dinner. The place is nice, quiet and not extremely fancy but sophisticated nonetheless. We are guided where we can be left alone and have a nice time. But nothing regarding the restaurant or the food is curious; it’s Liam.

“What were you talking about with Zayn? Can you explain it to me?” he requests and for a while I can only blink, too surprised to react.

He shies away, avoiding my eyes and blushing, embarrassed for asking this and with it, accepting his ignorance, but I feel my heart fluttering even more than when he was on stage, playing and looking kind of like a god. More than when he hugged and kissed me senseless. More than when I saw him with my students. As I keep watching him, flustered and all shy, I feel like jumping on him, so happy because he wants to know more.

Could it be that he looked like that when I was talking to Zayn because he felt excluded? And instead of just making a scene, he’s trying to improve?

“Liam,” I call and he meets my eyes again. I reach out for his hand, squeezing it tightly. “Of course I can. It’d be my pleasure.”

So we spend our dinner talking about these topics. I start by explaining to him the situation in America with the police forces and all the injustices that are taking place and I can see in his face the moment he understands how serious this is, how unfair and frustrating. I see him getting angry, asking me why this is happening. Racism should be in the past, it is supposed to be in the past.

“There will always be racism and unfairness,” I tell him at some point. “Because people will never accept they are being racist, hence they can never fix their behaviour because they fail at seeing what’s wrong. They choose to ignore it.”

He’s so angry but he understands what I’m saying, and I keep telling him about the situation, the cases, the way the law has dealt with this, the government and all the other institutions in power.

“It’s ridiculous! They expect the world to believe that?!” he blurts out at some point and I heave a tired sigh. “Are they stupid or do they just think we are the idiots that could buy that bullshit?”

Besides that what we are discussing is a serious topic, I’m glad to see him responding like this, seeing him caring and reacting, forming his own opinion. Until now I believed he was just ignorant and he didn’t want to learn and maybe he didn’t have the motivation to go and see beyond his little world, but that doesn’t mean he can’t learn. He is learning, he is opening his eyes and seeing beyond and that makes me proud, that makes me feel so warm.

Being able to also talk about these things with Liam is important but at the same time scary, because it means that maybe we are not that incompatible as I thought. If he tries to understand me better, to see why I like the things I do and if I try to understand him and share his interests, then maybe we could make it work. But I push those thoughts aside because they don’t help the situation.

And after dinner we go to the tour bus instead of joining the party. We sit in the booth and we keep talking. I explain to him the conflict in Middle East and he is as frustrated as during dinner. He gets angry and almost blows a tantrum. He gets frustrated because he can’t do anything about it, because he can’t make people talk and solve the problems without killing innocents in the way.

We talk and talk for hours. We don’t feel time pass until we see the rest of his band mates joining us in the bus.

“Hey, you didn’t go to the club,” Zayn says, sitting at my other side. “What were you doing here?”

“Talking,” Liam replies with an amused smile. “We didn’t even remember the party. Belle was explaining things to me and we got carried away. What time is it?”

Zayn looks at his wristwatch. “Ten past five. We should totally sleep,” he reminds us and I look at Liam. We totally forgot this aspect and I’m not sure where I’m going to sleep. “Oh, by the way I asked Dean to sleep on the other bus,” Zayn informs and Liam and I turn to look at him. “That way Belle can have your bunk and you sleep on Dean’s.”

“Cheers mate. Thank you for that,” Liam says and Zayn only nods. “We have six bunks and normally Dean sleeps in this bus with us, you know, to always have a bodyguard with us. I hope you don’t mind sleeping in the same bus as us.”

“Niall farts in his sleep,” Zayn confesses and I burst out laughing, not expecting that comment at all.

“I apologise in advance for that,” Liam adds seriously and I just keep laughing.

“It’ll be fine, it’s just one night, after all,” I say so they get rest at ease.

But we don’t go to sleep, we stay a little bit longer there, talking so it’s past six AM when we really go to bed and I actually ponder the option to just skip tonight’s sleep, but then I think Liam must be exhausted, after all it’s been a long day for him and he even had a concert. I might be able to do this, but I have to think of him, too.

“If you need anything, just let me know. I’ll be in the bunk bellow,” he tells me once we are ready to sleep and I’ve climbed to the bunk he normally uses, the top one. Zayn usually uses the bottom one but he’s let Liam use it tonight just to be closer to me.

“Okay. Sweet dreams, Liam,” I tell him getting comfortable in the bunk and he keeps staring at me, a lazy smile on his lips. Then his hand reaches out to cup my cheek ever so softly.

“Goodnight, Belle,” he wishes and leans in to kiss my forehead before disappearing in the bottom bunk.

I stay there, awake for a while longer, thinking of today and how we’ve behaved lately, even the way Liam’s band mates treat us, especially Zayn. He knows this is just a job, that both Liam and I signed a contract to pretend being in a relationship, yet he treats us as if we were a real couple. He lets us be closer and gives us privacy instead of just stating the fact: we shouldn’t even be acting like this inside the tour bus. But we act like this, we are really behaving like a couple and not just when we are in public.

How much are we confusing reality with pretence? How aware are we of this deal? I know I tell myself that this is a job, but I don’t act like it anymore and I don’t even have to force myself to be like this—all lovey-dovey—with Liam. Is he pretending or is he acting naturally? Am I pretending? Or did I get too into my part that now I can’t even discern from the real me and the girlfriend?

I fall asleep with conflictive thoughts but when I wake up I try to push them away instead of keep dwelling on them and then having a headache. Plus, as we sleep till noon we barely have time to go somewhere before I have to go back. So I have to decide one place to visit and I think the Notre-Dame Cathedral is a great place, iconic and I would probably regret my whole life knowing I came to Paris but I didn’t go to see it.

So we have lunch with Liam’s friends, but I get along better with Zayn. Harry and Niall are nice, but they are more engaged with Louis and even leave once they finish, but Zayn, Liam and I stay longer even if we finished eating, just talking about different things. Zayn tells us about an author friend of his and this movie deal Terry got for her book and how ecstatic she is because a director she loves will work on it and he tells us the same producer that worked for Clash—the premiere of the film I went with Liam—will produce this film.

“She’s worried, though, because it’s said Mr Tachibana won’t be able to produce it. His health is getting worse and there’s no talk of who could replace him. He started all the process but it he got worse and can’t continue now,” Zayn tells us, and he looks worried. “It makes Terry anxious.”

“I’m sure they’ll come up with someone qualified and it’ll turn out great,” I reassure him with a sympathetic smile. He returns the gesture with a grateful one.

After that we say goodbye to Zayn, especially me that won’t see him anytime soon. I also promise him that I’ll read Terry’s book once I go back to London. And then it’s just Liam and I again. And Dean, but he’s like a shadow. I’m actually impressed by his ability.

We go to Notre-Dame but take our time, enjoying the view and our time. All the time Liam keeps me close and we buy macaroons again for desert. I tell him about this book, Just One Day, that I read in which the main characters visit Paris for one day. I tell him the story and how after that book every time I eat macaroons I think of Lulu, because I keep calling her that even if that’s not her name.

Once in the cathedral we make sure to see every part that is available, going up and up until we reach the gargoyles. I remember the Hunchback of Notre Dame and of course Liam sings the main song as we watch the view of Paris. He gives me a back hug and we just contemplate, we don’t say a thing. I don’t think, I don’t question, I don’t doubt; I just enjoy the moment. I won’t make of this a sour memory because I’m scared of the implications of our actions today.

And after Notre-Dame I have to go back so Liam takes me to Gare Du Nord and it’s time to say goodbye. A part of me is reluctant to depart because I’ve had a wonderful time and I know I’m going to miss him. He won’t be back in London until the holidays and even when he does, it won’t be for long and he’ll probably visit his family.

I can’t believe I’m actually having these thoughts.

“Thank you for visiting me, Belle,” he tells me when we’re in the platform, just waiting for my train.

“I had a great time, Liam. Thank you for inviting me,” I reply and his smile is precious.

“See? It was a good idea, even if you hate France,” he reminds me and I chuckle.

“Oh come on, you saw how people talked to me in French because they thought I was one of them!” I remind him now and he laughs out loud.

When we were buying souvenirs yesterday, at some point I stayed behind looking at something and Liam continued. He was talking—or trying to talk—to a shop owner but this man had a very poor English and they were struggling, yet the moment I joined Liam the man sighed relieved and started talking in French, thinking I could understand him! Liam laughed at me later when I was sulking about it.

“It was fun. Now I’ll see you for the holidays then?” he asks and I nod, losing my smile just like him. “If I get a chance to go back to London before that, even for the weekend, I’ll take it, okay?”

“You should use those days off to visit whichever country you’re in,” I tell him but he shakes his head, grabbing my hands.

“I rather go see you,” he confesses and I don’t know how to reply. I don’t dare to reply and I stay frozen. He sighs, resigned before he pulls me for a hug. “Have a safe trip, Belle. And thank you for coming.”

I don’t say anything, I just hug him back, letting his arm hold me tightly, his large hands almost reaching my sides as I bury my nose in the crock of his neck, breathing in deeply, filling my senses with his scent.

“I’ll miss you,” he says in my ear and holds me even tighter. Should I tell you I’m going to miss him, too? Would that make things worse at the end?

I decide to remain silent, I just hug him tighter until he pulls back a bit, enough to let me see his face. He gives me one last smile before kissing me at the same time the train arrives to the platform.

We break the kiss and the embrace and I take a step back, picking up my bag that I had on the floor. “Good bye, Liam. I’ll see you soon.”

“Call me when you get home,” he request and I nod.

Then I turn on my heels and walk away from him and get on the train to go back home, feeling like something changed inside of me, something I don’t dare to investigate just yet.

-:-:-

Did you know there's a Goodreads profile for me as an author? How did that happen? And you can reveiw and rate my books there. BBB is there, actually. I'm so confused and scared.

Anyhow, I've finished writing BBB and it's 40 chapters + epilogue so wait for it. I'll start working on IJA so maybe soon I'll post the prologue. I'll kick off with that one in March. I hope you're excited!

Bel, xx

PS: I did the manip :D #Lisabelle