i think i spend too much time up in my brain.

this has always been obvious to me and to those around me. i'm a dreamer who uses fantasy to escape literally everything. i think that everybody does this in some degree.

but i really get into them. i take the longest, warmest showers so that i can relax and focus on my fantasies. i prolong them, build upon them, i create chapter books of endless, flawless scenarios in which anything can happen. i replay the clever bits over and over, revisit and revise chapters to make them seamless and perfect, even though no one will see it, even though they don't have to be.

and the fact that no one will ever know these things unless i tell them makes me so incredibly ecstatic. it's like wearing matching underwear for no reason, it makes me feel like i have a secret, like i'm mysterious. no one will ever know what i just dreamed up.

i wield so much power. if ever i'm bored to death, or anxious, or disinterested, i can slip away into one of the many worlds i've crafted for myself. in fifth grade i remember memorizing every inch of the owl city song "fireflies" so that i could listen to it in my head during class.

sometimes these fantasies get a little out of hand. i start to involve actual people i know in these adventures, i hype things up and then i can't distinguish between what i think they want and what the other person actually wants. other times, i fixate on a celebrity or internet personality and make myself sad because regular people now can't meet the standards of my fantasy friend or lover.

i've always kinda prided myself on being honest in my self-analysis, but i'm still working on this issue. it would just be nicer to dream about what this person and i could be rather than to actually ask them what they want and need. it's nicer to let myself be engulfed in a scenario where pj liguori is my compassionate and creative boyfriend rather than smacking myself in the face with the Reality Stick every five fucking minutes.

i've just got a lot of stuff that i want. and in my head, i don't have to worry about appearing greedy or vain or making other people uncomfortable with my alarming levels of lust. i have complete freedom in my total control of what's going on in the story upstairs. and i don't think it's a crime to idolize and idealize. 

i'm not sure what i was trying to do here. it went from "this is too much" to "how dare i attack me like this."

it's good to recognize your shitty behavior and think about why you do it, why it's shitty, and if you should stop.

please

,
don't

tjis whole thing is a clusterfuck now gr8 lol i give up