You probably don't know me. Quite frankly, I'm not sure I know myself either. I suppose that makes things less awkward between us.

Now I want you to close your eyes. Listen to the rattling sound of my voice. Breathe. Try to ignore the sensation of hands robbing you of your valuables. It's all in your head. Don't worry. I'm an honest thief.

Was your grandmother's name Delores? Did she enjoy cigars and toothpaste? That's just what I'm smelling, of course. Of all the hereditary gifts I could've been given, they bestowed the Scented Dead upon me. Bit silly, I know. Cemeteries are like perfume shoppes you can't shop in. Could you imagine?

Imagine your home. Who's there! If you have cats, can I pet them? Can I hold them? Can I have them? I collect cats as a hobby. Also gold coins. Thank you for contributing to my cause.

I don't trust banks. If a bank is robbed, and all your riches stolen, are you reimbursed? I sleep with all my wealth on top of me so that one day I might die a metaphorical death.

My hands are cold - are you hiding a snowy mountain range in your pocket, just for me? I daresay that was a mighty kind gesture on your part, but we've just met, how could you have possibly known about my mountainous obsession? Are you, perhaps, a psychic?

What's cooler than being cool?

Being tobacco free.

I often lounge in smoke to cleanse my expensive pores and my expensive palette. There's nothing better than a smoke bath to ward off evil entities.

Speaking of which, you have a little Something perched on your shoulder. It looks very well trained, and very scary. Job well done.

Now you can open your eyes.

Alas, I am nowhere to be seen.

I have evaporated into you. You were too busy reeling from my compliments to notice.

Look, I'm controlling your limbs! Overtaking your thoughts! Stealing your memories, erasing your name! I am you! You are nothing!

Isn't this fun?

Fear not, I'll take good care of me, until someone else looks more interesting! Oh, the chase is the best part! I give Thief a whole new meaning!