*names in this story have been changed to protect peoples identities ps the building shown in the video at 1:13 is where I stayed. It's called Sherman hall. This place is one of the most helpful places I've ever been. Please don't be afraid to get help.*

They lied. They always lie. My counselor told me to call an anonymous help line, but it's not anonymous. If you tell them you're trying to kill yourself they will trace your phone call and send police. Lucky for me I've been through this too many times before. I stop cutting myself long enough to get up, lock the door and sit in front of it. I'm crying as I continue to cut deeper. I hear the person on the phone asking me to stop, but I can't. I've gone too far. The cops were already on their way. There's no point in stopping I just want to die.

After about ten minutes I hear knocking on my bedroom door. It's my mom. She's telling me to open up because the cops are here. I don't listen. I need to keep cutting. I need to get deeper. I need to bleed out and die. The cops try to reason with me, but I don't care. When ever I'm in this state of mind all I care about is death. I'm crying because I know they will get in soon and I won't be able to bleed out in time. The cops try to open the door, but I'm fighting to keep it closed.

Eventually the strength of the cops over power my own. I sit back down and continue cutting. The cop grabs the blade away from me. I'm crying. I wanted to die. I hate being alive. Why can't anyone understand that and just let me die. I called for help, not to be saved. No one can save me. I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy. I deserve to die. The cops ask me where I cut. I tell them my arms and legs. They look at the cut on my arm and tell me I have to go to the hospital.

No I can't go to the hospital. They will send me back to Winnebago. Winnebago is the state mental institution. It's not that I hate Winnebago, it's that I love it. I want to work there one day, but I have to go five years without being hospitalized there, to be able to work there. I try to get away. The cops grab me. The try to bring me down stairs but I won't let them. I'm fighting trying to get out of their grips. This isn't the first time I've been in a hold.

They end up laying me onto the ground. I'm still fighting. They tell me if I don't calm down that they are going to give me a shot. I don't care. I scream and continue to fight. When the paramedics arrive the bring a shot. They pull down my pants and give me a shot in my butt. I'm also no stranger to shots so it doesn't effect me at all. I'm still moving and trying to get the cops off of me. They have the paramedics give me a second shot.

My legs and arms start going numb. I can't move them. It's as if I am no longer in control of my own body. My eyes scan around the room very fast. I repeat to myself, I'm still awake, I'm not asleep, I'm still awake, look around the room, I'm still awake. I don't know when it all went black but I do remember having an out of body experience. I thought I was dreaming. I was getting carried out of my house and into the ambulance. I remember looking around the ambulance thinking aliens were trying to wake me up and bring me back to their planet.

I woke up in the hospital. Crap that wasn't a dream. I really did get carried out of my house and brought here. I hear a cop say, "Oh, she's awake now." I try to move my head but I'm way too dizzy. The cop starts to read me my rights. I point at him and say, "I hate that guy." I was so out of it I started laughing. When he left my mom came over and tried asking me questions. All I could do was cry. She told me my little sisters were crying and were scared for me.

Is that supposed to make me feel better? I hate hearing how upset people get when I do something like this. You're fucking upset that I did this? Where the fuck were you before my emotions built up so much that it made me want to kill myself. You think you're sad imagine how I must've felt. I don't do this because I like seeing people upset. I do this because I'm sick of being alive, I want to end my pain, I want to end it all. But all I can do is cry, because no one will ever understand this.

I don't even understand this sometimes. The cops come into the room and tell me I'm going back to Winnebago. I knew it. The cops get me cuffed up and I get in the transportation vehicle. This is the first time I've slept through the whole three hour ride. When we get there I see Dylan. He is one of the staff members on my unit. I don't really remember much from that night. All I know was that Dylan was making smart jokes. He was such a nerd. He reminded me of Sheldon from the big bang theory.

One thing was for sure the staff weren't happy that I was back.