When I'm brought to my unit they give me the same speech I've heard time and time before. They ask me what the rules of the unit are. I say it back to them like a record. Then I am taken to the bathroom to do a mannequin. A mannequin is where I take off my clothes so they can search for weapons. Once they realize I don't have any weapons they hand me a pair of sweats. It's past bedtime so I head straight to my room. I'm on precautions like always so the staff have to keep the door open, sit outside my room, and watch me all night.

The next day I woke up I couldn't really remember anything from the night before. It was all just a big blur. I remember small details. I knew I was upset but I don't remember a specific thing that made me upset. At this point I was just mad at everything. Why do people feel like they need to force me to live. I don't want to. The world would be better off without me.

Kristen was once one of my favorite staff members but now she hates me. She hates that I keep coming back. It's not like I purposely think "I'm gonna kill myself so I can go back to Winnebago and see Kristen" I just hate being alive and no one understands that. They all think I do it for attention. But, how am I getting attention if I die. I don't try to kill myself to get what I want. I try to kill myself so that I will die. And, last I checked I didn't ask to be brought here. Why can't you respect the fact that I'm depressed instead of trying to make me feel worse about what I've done. That tactic never works.

The phone rings. One of the staff members say that the phone is for me. I dreadfully answer it. My mom is telling me things that are going to be different when I come back home. But, things are never different. And I don't care if they are or not because I just want to be dead. I agree with my mom just to make her happy when really I'm plotting my next attempt inside my head and I see it.

I hang up on my mom. I look around to make sure no one is watching, then I wrap the phone cord around my neck. Just as I pull it tight enough the staff come towards me. The push their alert button to call for more staff. They grab the phone cord from me and unravel it from around my neck. I try to run but they grab me and tackle me to the ground. I'm trying to get them off of me but their grips get tighter until I feel like they're gonna break a bone. I scream in pain. The strap me down to the board. I try yanking my arms and legs out of the straps. They put more pressure on me until I stop fighting.

They lift the board up onto a gurney. They bring me into the quiet room and make me lay there until I'm calmed down, tell them why I did what I did, and list things I could've done instead.