"Are you feeling drained, resentful and nostalgic about the good ol' days of your relationship? Do you feel you're constantly being gas-lighted? Do you hate the person you've become?

"If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're in luck because I'm here to save you a boatload of tears. But before we get down to the nitty-gritty of the toxic relationship you're in, let me give you a glimpse of what a typical day in my life is like. Ready?"

The sound drifts from the speaker of a tablet, on which Jeremias Lazaro is watching the introduction video of an app called Boys Are Wolves. The young man in the video, the creator of the app, has introduced himself as White Wolf.

In the College of Social Sciences and Law, the dean's office is spacious and organized yet retains the impression of a cozy den, what of the eclectic collection of religious and secular memorabilia: a harp, lamps of Bohemian crystal, ivory saints and miniature ones in viriñas (glass domes), large Satsuma porcelain vases, and a samurai sword hanging high above them. The dean himself is ensconced behind a beautiful, handmaid oak desk; a solid-brass name plate announces him in deep, austere letters: DEAN JEREMIAS LAZARO.

At his back is a windless Philippine flag on a pole and leather-bound antique books from Europe. Hanging directly behind him is an oil painting: Agnus by Konstantin Korobov, and its position creates a slight infinity-mirror effect, as though the dean was the haloed lamb in the painting while the gilded frame of the painting also haloes him as he sits in his office.

Atop his desk are antique fountain pens in their stands, a row of No. 2 Mongol pencils kept razor-sharp, a filing tray, an intercom phone, and framed pictures of Dean Lazaro with Pope Benedict XVI and the more current Pope Francis. In both pictures, the dean beams out youthfully, strikingly handsome and photogenic. Bearing a resemblance to Patrick Dempsey from Grey's Anatomy, he's a genuine silver fox.

"The very first thing I do when I get up from bed," continues White Wolf in the video, "is blast classical music on my home audio system of 80 subwoofers, 21 channels and 10 drivers per channel. I do a Tabata workout of push-ups, sit-ups, burpees and pull-ups on the multi-grip bar of my power rack. Next, I make and down a serving of Bruce Lee Smoothie. It's pastured eggs and slices of yellowfin tuna, thrown all raw into the blender. Yum!

"I enter my massive en-suite bathroom to take a quick hot shower... Opps! Sorry, this part's off-limits."

White Wolf winks in the close-up shot of his handsome face.

"As for my bathroom routine, seeing my kit is enough to give you an idea because it would rival any girl's: teeth-whitening toothpaste, face wash, clarifying lotion, SPF 30 moisturizer, styling mousse, pomade, matte wax, hair spray, razor, shaver and blow dryer. My skin's flawless and I've never had a pimple or any kind of breakout in my life.

"Let me now take you to my walk-in closet... just got to do the fingerprint thingy here and... Ah, here we are: crisp, neatly arranged and categorized clothes. My wardrobe looks like it's been organized by Konmari, doesn't it? Note that it's not decluttered though. This is all me. Just like with my skincare and hairstyling essentials, I can be a control freak when it comes to fashion.

"Ever noticed those drawers of watch winders in the movies? You know, the ones with the spinning watches? Doctor Strange before the car accident. I think it was also in Christian Grey's closet.

"Bunch of crapola, if I do say so myself. Watch winders are vertical IRL because you need to let gravity do its job of winding the watch properly. Let me show you what an actual watch winder looks like... Behold! Space Camp for watches!

"No? Doesn't ring a bell? All right. I guess I better educate you heathens on what a watch winder is. Only owners of automatic babies would know why watch winders are a quintessential part of every grown man's closet. It keeps all these beauties – Panerai PAM 728, Cartier Pasha de Cartier, Bulgari Octo Finissimo – wound and running properly, lowering the risk of an unscheduled maintenance and minimizing the need for crowns to get unscrewed. But I don't expect all of you to understand because our generation's idea of class is an Apple Watch.

"Now that you're acquainted with my watch collection, wait till you see my cars. When I don't have multiple bookings and I'm not driving my customized van, my go-to whip is this... ta-da! An ultra-sleek blue Lamborghini Aventador with the scissor doors that swing upward.

"'Why is he telling me all this?' you're probably asking yourself by now. I hope you don't think I'm humblebragging like a Tinder catfisher. I'm simply trying to give you an idea how stylishly I'm going to handle your breakup.

"All right, time to get serious. Let's get down to the huge, life-altering decision ahead of you. Listen up, girl. Abusers are very controlling and manipulative. They're good at playing the victim. You need to get out while you still can. Seriously. If you don't want to end up in jail, a body cast or even a coffin, you'd better muster the guts to call it quits."

White Wolf's face switches from bright to grave and vice versa at the drop of a hat.

"The good news is... you don't need to come up with an excuse anymore because my chiseled jawline and these rowing-crew shoulders are plenty of reason to dump your partner. You don't have to say 'I found someone else' because I'll literally be walking up to your boyfriend and introducing myself.

"Let me be your hot breakup attorney-slash-coach. I'll hold your hand all through the sucky process. Just think of me as the Uber of breakups. I make these transitions easy and final for both you and your soon-to-be ex.

"Because that's what people need. A good breakup that skips all the mud-slinging and the cringey clingy drama. A nice, clean break. Almost like a tooth extraction. Not dragged-out and awkward. So both you and your ex can just focus on the good memories.

"Most of the time, the sight of me is enough to make him kick himself for breaking up with you, delete you from his booty contact list and hightail it out of your life. But if you want some add-ons or customizations, I can be anyone you want me to be: a neuroscientist for dyslexic children, a smokejumper who saves the Amazon, a baron who owns an estate in France. I could even be the next Steve Jobs if that's your thing.

"I'm open to all ideas. We can get creative and I can do a bit of acting. Just think of me like a sophisticated singing telegram. Or Loki.

"When it's all done, don't forget to tip and leave the Boys Are Wolves app a five-star rating. Best of luck and you'd better pray you don't require my services ever again. This is White Wolf saying: 'You need my app if you're stuck in a wolf trap.'"

The underside of the oak desk has a panic button. Dean Lazaro's left hand languidly reaches there but not for the button. His index finger has a long and sharp nail; something that wasn't conspicuous earlier and jars with his fastidious appearance. Next to the panic button, the dean scritches a line deep in the oak, adding one more to the many that are already there.  

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