archer.

i never had feelings for him and never wanted to. it was all no strings attached.

i stared into my reflection. i had hickeys to hide. my makeup did the job right but if anyone looked closer than close then they'd probably notice what i was hiding. i was never big into makeup so i had no idea what the hell i used.

archer and i texted that night for a long while, talking about different things i never really thought i'd talk about. like how i would confess to my parents if i had an std (i didn't but he just wanted to know how i would say it. yeah, not the best topic).

everything was in balance.

-

"i'm sorry, rae, but i think we're gonna have to end this," archer said as he pulled away from our kiss.

"what? why? i don't have feelings if that's it, i swear."

"no, it's just...you dated my brother an-"

"uh excuse me, what?"

"you, rae, dated my brother, kai, don't play dumb. he told me yesterday."

i blushed a little bit. so much for being discreet, kai.

"he's not being honest with you because he doesn't want you to pity him," archer stood up and before i could protest he rushed downstairs.

archer.

he's mature and responsible. he's my distraction. he's a liar? or was i the liar?

-

"kai?"

he didn't say anything. the seconds of my phone call were passing and i didn't want to waste any more credit on this crackdip.

"kai, if you're listening to me right now i just want to say i accept your apology. i don't know what the hell is going on but you need to tell me one way or the other," i softened my tone but i couldn't kill the raging ocean i felt in my chest.

"valkyrae sanchez," his voice cracked and was followed by silent sobs. he called me by my name and i knew that he was hurting.

the only times he said my full name was when he would get so drunk and mixed my name with "hers". he didn't that time and i knew he wasn't drunk.

-

"i'm visiting the silvester residence," i said into that box that someone listens to which activates something else and opens the door.

i don't know what it's called, sue me.

i entered the elevator and was lifted to the 47th floor. the last time i was in that elevator i was crying my ass off asking myself why i wasn't good enough for him.

kai and archer had two houses. one in my compound, one next to the school their mom worked in. confusing but life and people aren't simple either.

three knocks.

"what are you doing here?" archer questioned. even though i was only at their doorstep i could already smell kai's cologne. their house still looked as neat and had a huge stack of ramen next to their guest bathroom like old times.

took me back to when kai and i used to binge eat ramen noodles. we had to stop after he complained it was causing him constipation. ramen was his favorite. that hasn't changed.

"i'm here to see kai."

archer's eyes widened and he let me in. i slipped off my shoes and headed to his room. the white walls seemed to be closing in on me or maybe i was nervous he may have been just pranking me.

as i pushed his door open i was slapped with the sight of pills all over the floor and his desk. our pictures and polaroids that i gifted him for his birthday were scattered on his bed.

he was propped up against his bed in his favorite maroon hoodie and grey sweatpants.

not to be inconsiderate and ignore all the tears that ran down his face but he did not look like a snacc. he looked like a mess.

"babe," i said and approached him.

he opened his eyes and i was lost in its brown void as i attempted to carry him onto the bed.

"val..."

"don't speak. you aren't any good at it. you need to rest, alright?"

"val...i have cancer."

what?

"what? why didn't you say anything earlier? is it bad? when did this happen?"

he smiled, "i found out some time after our break up. i've been thinking about how i could die any second and of everything i did. i haven't lived an honest life."

even though he had been a dickhead to me, i still felt some sort of remorse for him. we both didn't deserve anything. we were just...lost.

am i living an honest life?