after camari left i started to feed my creative side a lot more than i usually did.

i wasn't in one place watching netflix thankfully though and didn't touch my vape pen after my first hit.

i decided to channel everything into art or poems or something i honestly don't really know but my hand was working like crazy either sketching or painting.

there was something in me that changed. i couldn't think like i used to.

what is my existence for? what route am i to take? is there someone up there in the clouds watching over us?
what is the meaning of life and why is it different for everyone? why am i the person i am? why do i act the way i do?

i didn't even know anymore.

-

"so you'll be free to babysit with me next monday?" asked amon over the phone with his voice almost covered up by his siblings yelling in the background.

"yep. save some cheetos for me, oh and new batteries for the xbox controllers please. last time i was playing tekken and it just shut down. you know how i hate losing especially when i'm using unknown. she's like the best character so don't do me dirty," i replied which nearly sounded like i was rapping.

so much for productive.

amon.

how to begin with amon.

amon my best friend since i was around ten. amon my first kiss. amon the guy who ripped my heart to shreds about five times in like six years. amon the mature and responsible kid. amon the dude with a broken family. yeah, amon.

i used to like him and we were very complicated but it no longer mattered. he was like a good song that built up from subtle guitar notes and lyrics to a heavy climax then ended very slowly with a deep sentence.

or a love song. our love song...that is still to be defined. as long as i had a tiny bit of feelings for him, it would be classified as "undefined".

-

"hola. i'm here bitches," i said walking through the door like i owned the place. which i mean, was unnecessary but that's not what it's about. it's about how i was there and they were bitches (children are bitches i shall stand by this).

the kids rushed to the door to hug me as i took off my boots (boots are awesome i stand by this statement).

amon was still cleaning the house and told me to knock myself out.

so there i was that day taking care of someone else's children as if my own and taught them how to paint with those cheap acrylic paints you find for kids in thrift shops.

it never really gets boring. only interesting. mostly because amon and i play house. he calls himself the husband and i the wife.

and sometimes i'm convinced that's what we are which brings me down
down
down
when i realize it isn't real.

-

amon walked me home and told me to take care of myself. he always takes care of me and tells me i should take care of myself.

he's like that.

i went to the rooftop of my building and pulled out my vape pen.

i could feel the tears stroll down my cheeks. too dramatic for my taste and made me feel like i was in a never ending crappy movie of some sensitive teen.

my throat felt dry but i still managed to laugh at my own thoughts. a sensitive teen oh my lord good one.

i could feel the loneliness now. it was taking a hold on me and making me think of those thoughts i never reject. that's the thing about depressing thoughts, their pessimism seems harmless but takes a strong toll.

the pain. that's what was real. that's all i knew.

i heard footsteps and hoped to god it wasn't my parents or neighbors of the same floor i reside on.

"rae," called amon and stood next to me.

"that's my name but after you said it i feel like changing it."

"ouch."

and we were quiet for a while. that moment before the song hits the climax.

"you know, i still think about that night," i blurted after puffing out the cotton candy vapor from my mouth.

"what night?"

"my first kiss."

i inhaled another puff of nicotine and strong chemicals that would ruin my life if i didn't stop.

he knew it was my first kiss. he knew i didn't want to kiss him even though i had a crush on him. he knew i was dating someone. he knew it would've been complicated. he knew i would've been dumped if he did.

i looked at him then with mixed feelings, mostly of contempt and anger.

"i said i was sorry-"

"and sorry ends world hunger, poverty and all bad things in the world," my voice echoed.

he scratched the back of his head. i knew he was confused and so was i. i needed to figure out how i felt but i just didn't know what to do.

i didn't know whether i wanted to kiss him or push him off the freaking building.

i just didn't know.

i didn't fucking know.