the thing about parties is that their talk is continuous.

every week you'll hear about something and then another something about what patricia and megan did and then something about a party.

it's to the extent that there's no longer a "VIP list" or anything anymore like there used to. back then (like two months ago why do i sound old) it was parties with just "popular" kids.

now you've got all sorts of people going to party on a friday night.

i walked to my class feeling as dead as i could ever feel when i felt a hand on my right shoulder. arvid handed me a plastic bag and i gave him the cash.

my curiosity took the best of me and i went to the bathroom to check out how they looked like.

vape pens were disappointing. they looked normal but they smelled really good not gonna lie (cotton candy is heaven. don't get me started on sour belt candy or gummy bears).

i pressed the button and sure enough my milk man had already filled each pen with the liquid thing. never gonna get a hold on their names, sue me.

-

noah and i stopped talking completely. spring break was about to start and i was pretty excited. i knew i'd be vaping throughout those weeks. things took a turn though and i ended up hanging out with my childhood friends which surprised me.

"rae!"

i turned to be pinned to the floor in a tight burrito hug.

"camari...."

oxygen. lack of it. burrito hug too tight.

in case you're wondering what a burrito hug is composed of: it's a really tight hug, slight suffocation and a little bit of your dignity slipping away as your face turns red.

"camari...air, no breathe me," i managed to say as she let go of me and apologized.

she just keeps getting prettier and prettier every time i see her. her visit was only to last for three days so we tried to make the best of it.

-

"how do you not like s'mores?" i asked in horror.

camari shrugged and continued eating plain marshmallows. she threw a few more newspapers into the fire we had. i shook my head and ate my first s'more of the night.

"how's it been, ri?"

"i heard you vape now."

"wow, ri, this convo is supposed to be about you not me. no rae."

"ri doesn't wanna talk about how it's been," she said and poked the fire with a stick.

"why? did something happen? who i gotta kill, babes?"

"no one. it's just...something i haven't been able to say out loud."

i sat next to her and covered ourselves with a fluffy brown blanket.

"what happened?"

"rae, you remember axel, right?"

"axel? that shady dude who sold pencils a dollar each because people never had a pencil and he could take advantage of that?"

she scoffed, "yeah, him."

"what about him?"

"remember the last time you came to visit my family during the summer holiday and i told you i had a crush on him?"

i nodded my head.

"him and i started dating like a week after that."

my turn to scoff.

"things were going well and all until..."
she had the tears flowing now.

"until what, ri?"

"until he raped me."

"what?"

"he..."

i pulled her into a tight hug but not a burrito hug. a comfort hug.

"why didn't you tell anyone? when did this happen?"

"i told my parents and we all went to court but i was the one who was trialed. they said i had bipolar personality disorder, rae. they called me crazy! he got to live his life again, why can't i?"

"camari, what the bloody hell," and i attempted to comfort her which led to me crying along with her.

-

the day after camari left i decided to draw a picture of a girl, faceless as usual, standing naked in a court room.

the difference between murder and rape is that one person would be dead.

a rape victim would have been traumatized and scarred. they wouldn't be able to live the same life anymore. no longer feel the same.

that part of them would be gone and perhaps replaced with something else.

the pain would remain and some would even wish they were dead.