i could hear a whisper, "valkyrae sanchez" but it sounded fuzzy and from a distance.

i struggled to open my eyes.

amon had his hand on my forehead.

"where the hell am i?" i started to panic but felt strained and too tired to move.

"don't freak out. you're fine. you just need to sleep, alright? i'm here for you and i'm sorry i never acknowledged how you felt," amon's eyes started to tear up.

my arm hurt like hell but the rest of my body felt numb. everything really was fine but i freaked out at the sight of a needle piercing my skin.

i was in a room similar to kai's hospital room.

did i...oh god.

"amon what th-"

"relax, rae. don't get too expressive or your heart beat rate will rise."

i inhaled sharply and tried to calm myself.

i inquired at a much softer and calmer tone, "amon? what did i do?"

"long story short you tried to jump off your building but passed out instead. i'm assuming you were shocked at how high you were. thankfully you failed otherwise you'd never be able to bake cheesecake for me again."

what?

"holy shit you're finally awake," my mom barged in and gave me a burrito hug. she had puffy red eyes from crying or getting drunk way too many times.

"rae!" shrieked a high pitched voice. camari approached me with a bouquet of white roses in hand and reese's chocolates in the other.

wow. bring the whole squad.

amon excused himself and went to get some coffee. his blood was probably running on coffee.

my mom met someone new. his name was michael and he was a photographer. all my wishes of not having a stepfather, crushed.

camari was called for another trial and axel was going to go through legal crap for what he did. ya know, the act of not asking for consent and stuff.

kai was still fighting cancer and visited my room everyday while i was unconscious. apparently i was in a coma for about a week because my body gave up on me from my vaping habits. my whole life was flipped upside down again. maybe for the better.

this is where i say life is like a pancake. you think it's burnt and crap until you flip it to the other side to get that perfect golden touch. the burnt taste complements the whole pancake.

sometimes we burn our pancakes completely but that's okay because if we didn't then we wouldn't value our perfect ones.

i don't say that though. it's not the right time.

over the course of time my life started to change. the sadness remained but i started to see some beauty in simple things. my artistic senses were coming back to me.

armelle and i had a breakdown when we saw each other again and we said we were both sorry for being petty.

amon's family went through a rough time but made it out alive. amon was finally given more freedom instead of just taking care of his younger brothers all the time.

my family went through a rough time but we made it out alive, and with cheesecake. mom opened her own bakery like she always wanted and my step dad got his hands in the hotel industry after his dad died from a lung infection. rest in peace.

i guess i could sign up for business as a minor beside the music industry of course.

at first i did have doubts in my own voice but it made me happy and plus who cared if no one liked my voice? at least i didn't sound like a dying donkey so that means i still have hope, right?

people in school didn't need to know about what happened to me or what i was going through. it didn't matter.

everything was in balance. all bad things came to an end while the good resurfaced.

-

some years later because every wattjap book seems to have this section and i need to sound like a happy bean so that the government doesn't track me down and question me. i mean, what's so wrong about thinking about death all the time? i don't fear it i kind of just wanna like stab people. i mean um i...don't...wanna...stabity...stab...um...i-WATTJAP ENDING:

my eyesight was blurry but i didn't want to move.

"another hit?" a voice asked.

"nah, i'll pass."

it was nearly two in the morning. i had to go home. my feet stumbled across the floor trying to figure out a path to the main street. the house i was in turned even blurrier.

"hey, you okay?" a different voice asked.

"nope. i'm high."

"let's get you home. where do you live?"

"in a new york minute! i love the eagles! they're the best band ever man! fuck modern music! la liberty!"

next thing i knew i was on his shoulders. he had nice shoulders. his voice was deep. i have a thing for deep voices.

"you have nice shoulders," i commented. his response was to leave the house. we were in a cab. we were somewhere else. i thought i was dying. what was happening?

-

i woke up in a well furnished apartment. it smelled like vanilla. i liked vanilla. in the living room was a man covered in multiple blankets. he looked too familiar.

his face was cute when he was asleep. like a little soft puppy. i poked him awake.

"wake up, dude. are you a murderer? where are we?"

he groaned.

"i wanna make some waffles. c'mon wake up." a part of me asked if i should even bother this dude. i mean, i didn't even know who he was but ya know what? we live to regret and i almost felt the ground shake from my growling stomach.

he finally got up and attempted to smile. his smile radiated the room that emphasized his dimples.

"noah?"

"rae."

-

"i help out at this charity down the street. it's cool and all and i guess i was just born to help people," noah said as he served me a pile of waffles.

"cool cool cool. i own a hotel and sing there sometimes. i guess i was born to...well, i don't know. get high?"

we laughed and talked about it all. it reminded me of the boys in my past. i told noah about some of them. how kai had died of cancer, how amon got arrested, and all the other irrelevant people.

"i kept vaping in high school and now i get high. big upgrade." i sliced some fruit and drizzled more honey onto my waffles.

"did you make that song yet? boys and vape?"

"nah. i thought it would be better if it remained an inside joke between us."

laughter. it felt sweet.

"i'm glad we're in touch again," i said before making my way for the door.

"wait. i have something for you," he ran to another room before coming back with something in hand.

"milk and honey oh my god. this is the book i asked yo- oh my god. dude, that was like five years ago."

"i got a new one. i've read it like twenty times. you can keep it."

"what's the catch?"

"no catch. just a gift."

"well, thanks. now that i know where you live i'm gonna come over for some waffles sometime."

"knock yourself out," he smirked.

"goodbye noah."

"goodbye rae."

-

my life was about boys and vape. i was glad noah and i got back in touch. him and i became better friends and at some point we started going on dates. everything seemed great.

after a lot of questioning, i got my shit together and started to paint again. i think i started to find myself again. i felt happy.

everything was in balance

and i suddenly felt like my life wasn't just about boys and vape.

-

THANK FOR REACHING THE END OF THIS BOOK AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT AS MUCH AS I DID CRINGING AT EVERY CHAPTER I WROTE.

caps hurt my eyes. anyways, for real thank y'all 3 readers out there who actually skim through four chapters and comment with the heart eyed emoji saying "wow" or something.

welp, that's that, that's a wrap.

enjoy the rest of your life and get a cheesecake. don't commit suicide because a better cheesecake recipe might emerge. baiii.

love,
koi