armelle and i had an argument and haven't spoken ever since. all good things come to an end, right? it means we were good.

my dad said his last goodbye before he moved to australia for good. glad his cheating ass wouldn't intertwine with my life.

mom had been out of control ever since his departure and i didn't know how to tell her that i somewhat related. i felt like i should've been more concerned but if she didn't sleep with someone else as revenge then maybe i would've actually pitied her.

kai practically lived in that hospital with all those chemotherapeutic processes he underwent. i pitied his worried archer.

i visited kai at least three times a week and each time i entered that room i could see his condition worsening. it almost felt like there was no hope for him.

amon was attached to his ex which was unexpected. he must've really loved her. kind of wished he could've loved me like that.

noah was getting the highest marks in his class which surprised me as it was his first year and he was already excelling. guess he was observant enough to see through people's bullshit and get his priors straight.

arvid sold me a bunch more vape pens that i had been hooked onto ever since i realized how my life kept crumbling to nothingness as if it were tied to an unfortunate slope.

why was it like that?

-

i entered my room and took down all the paintings and sketches i've ever made into a cardboard box.

all the poems and songs i wrote were compiled in one book. i grabbed that too.

anything related to art or love was placed into that box.

the weather was gloomy and resembled strongly how i felt.

the smell of gas made me nervous as i watched it gracefully spill like snowflakes over all the works i've ever made.

i took out the yellow lighter my dad gave me for my 13th birthday. until then i had only used it to light my birthday candles or burn notes where i talked about my interest in murder and criminology.

what was once my work had turned to blackening ashes. there were a few surviving sparks that eventually ceased to exist. their ending seemed relatable.

like every other creature and being in this world, we survive, only to be destroyed and reminded of how insignificant we are.

-

my heartbeat was racing faster than it should have been. i knew i had been doing it for months but it suddenly felt so new.

there was no one there with me. there never was anyone with me from the beginning. there will never be anyone with me ever again.

all the boys i ever learned to "love" or never loved were a waste that proved how shit one's life can become.

all the vape i ever used to escape was not worth it.

there was only one escape.

maybe my life was more than just boys and vape.

maybe it could have been...something extraordinary.