I've never been one to be close with people, I've said this for years. I've been through many friend groups here, and not just Gryffindors. Don't get me wrong there are some lovely people here but at the same time- well, I'm sure some of you can relate. To cut a long story short there aren't many people I'm still friends with that I used to be.

I don't understand it really, I don't know what I've done. Maybe because I'm not afraid to call out the lies between these so called 'friendships', or maybe it's because I'm fed up of being left out. Those 'popular' groups of girls- somehow I got roped into that and I've never been happier since leaving it. Rather dramatically as well I won't lie.

I could be called a pick me for the way this sounds, and fair enough, I'm basically about to quote roughly four Slytherin's I've heard this week alone, however I'm serious. I've never been one to be friends with girls. My best friends are mostly boys, always have been, I just find that they are easier to get on with, I can't stand the lies and pettyness anymore. Compared to my sister, I've never been a girly girl either so I feel like I fit in more with them.

Despite countless failed friendships I think I've finally found the right group. These girls are different from the others, they seem to be truthful and kind.

Two of my best friends have boyfriends now. The way they go on about them, it makes me feel jealous in a way. Not of their boyfriends, no, of the fact that they have someone to love them and to call them theirs. To hold hands with in the corridors and to hug in the common room. I guess I'm scared though, for some reason.

Like I said, I've never been a people person and I think I'm just afraid of someone actually liking me more than a friend. I just find it awkward. I want a male best friend, nothing more, I dont want him to love me anything more than brother and sisterly.  I'm a completely average looking person, but it has happened, I've had a close friend of mine declare his love for me which I immediately internally panicked about. I'd known him for about ten years, even before Hogwarts and he's never shown anything for me, if anything in the last few years we drifted apart since we're not in the same house. I've never held any feelings apart from friendship which I awkwardly told him. He understood and it wasn't ever mentioned after that. The thought of someone genuinely loving me for who I am is a completely foreign idea to me, I just dont understand why or how they possibly could.

There was only one boy I've ever truly liked, and he's my best friend. I don't like him like that anymore (I don't think) and he knows that I used to now. He's always been there for me and he is one of the kindest people I know. When he found out that I used to like him I think he was a bit shocked, but all he said was "Why didnt you tell me?" I mean seriously, what kind of question is that? Why the hell would I tell you that I really like you and have for about a year now, even though you have a girlfriend and are happy together? I mean what the hell?

He kind of played with my feelings as well, I'm not sure if it was intentional and I guess I'll never know. For context someone told him as a joke that I liked him and I then preceded to say to him that it's a joke and to ignore it, and he took that very seriously and confronted me, to which I told him a few days after this revelation that it was ages ago now and that I didn't have those feeings for him anymore. Anyway, he said to me: "How would it make you feel if I actually liked you after that joke?" Like excuse me? What are you trying to say mister? If you like me then why the hell didn't you tell me? This could have saved us, me, so much stress!

He then said "What if I was with my girlfriend only because I couldnt be with you?" I won't even lie to you my heart dropped. I'm sorry? Do you want me anymore stressed out?

I answered with the only thing I could think of. What the hell? And, Well that would make you an awful boyfriend then wouldn't it? Then I stormed off. Again, quite the dramatic scene to any bistanders.

This whole situation was months ago now but I really do still need to know. I want to know the truth, even now, why did he say that? Did he mean to imply what he was? Or did It just come out wrong? Do I bring it up? Half a year later? I might. I need to. This question keeps me up at night.

He also once confronted me about how I don't have a boyfriend (we are still best friends after that whole situation) to which I answered, because I just don't want to. He asked me, "If someone was to ask me out, would you say yes?" And I answered him. No. I wouldn't.

He just looked at me confused. "Why not? If you both like eachother then why would you not want to be together?" That's a very good question, one that I would very much like the answer of as well. One day perhaps, but not any time soon. I'm a very socially awkward, introverted person,
I don't do interactions with people, nevermind being someone's girlfriend. That's my limits stretched way beyond anything I can imagine.