„At least he knows how to make me feel like I am someone unlike the one person that used to know, more than anyone else, what I was feeling in any given situation", I almost spit the words while flames of rage are burning inside me.

How dare he say that Cameron and I kissing was a sickening sight. He wouldn't even look at me for the past year while I was feeling miserable, not to mention the lack of conversation between us. So, why should my being finally somewhat happy be a problem for him? I mean, it's not like he was the reason for thousands of sleepless nights and gallons of litres of tears. Insert sarcasm here.

I hate him for ruining our friendship. Our friendship of ten years that came crashing down in only two hours. I hate him for still making me feel at home even though we haven't spoken in months. I hate him for turning his back on me and stop caring about me when all I was doing throughout the last twelve months was thinking about him and our friendship that no longer existed. And right now, I hate him for making me feel guilty about trying to gain back control over my own life. Our friendship used to be my anchor. This one thing in my messed-up life that was going strong. Being with him made all of my problems seem harmless and manageable. I always felt like I could handle my drunken mum and my hardly-ever-home-dad. I always thought I could somehow get over the fact that my body wasn't what boys would describe as beautiful, or sexy for that matter. He took me as I was, and I felt invincible – as long as he was with me.

„Making you feel like you are someone? Excuse me while I laugh, but all that son of a butternut squash cares about is winning a bet" Duncan shouts back at me, chest rising and falling rapidly as he fists the strap of his backpack around his shoulder.

If I wouldn't have been as angry as I was at the moment, I probably would have laughed at his choice of alternative for the swear word. Whenever I had cursed, he would tell me off – and I couldn't say anything in return because even when he was mad he never used foul language to vent. Seems like this part about him hasn't changed in the past year.
But hearing my ex best friend say that I would only serve as some sort of prize, hits me hard. It's not like this particular thought hasn't crossed my own mind before but the fact that Duncan doesn't think that I am worthy of someone who actually cares about me hurts bad. It seems to be out of the question that one of the most popular guys at school would want to be with me.

„What would you know about Cameron's motives for spending time with me?" I ask, trying to hide the pain in my voice by raising it even more.

His eyes wander the scenery that is set in front of us.
When I confronted him about his hundredth dismissive look and commentary in front of his locker just a few minutes ago he dragged me up to the roof of our High School.
No pupils are allowed up here and you'll get in a lot of trouble if the janitor ever finds out.
But not one thought about the potential of getting caught crosses our minds right now. We let our frustration run freely, surrounded by a load of potted plants and bird houses. The wind that has started to get even wilder, signalling the strong possibility of a thunderstorm, mirrors our moods.

This whole fight does not make any sense. Why would he care about what I am doing while being with Cameron? It hasn't been a problem for him to make out with Liz on the stairs that lead to the big hallway a month ago. It also hasn't been a problem for him to stand me up when we decided to attend last years 'Spring-Party' as friends, only for me to realise that I probably could have waited another two hours and he still wouldn't have shown up.
Thinking about that day makes my heart feel even heavier. Because, not only did I realise that he didn't want to be my friend anymore – for whatever reason – I also realised that I have long but seen him as just a friend. Hopelessly watching as he seemed to throw away all the years we have spent together by ignoring me and chasing girls that wore nothing more than deep cleavage tops and skirts that only just passed their mid thighs. It made me want to hit him and confess all my feelings to him so many times. But as with everything else in my life I was too chicken to follow through with my thoughts and plans.

I could have dealt with him not liking me the way I was starting to like him. It would have hurt seeing him with other girls, but somehow I would have managed. Somehow, we could have worked it out. But not having him as a friend at all and having to witness his increased interest in almost every member of the opposite gender apart from me was too much.

Eyes still pinned to the skyline in the near distance he murmurs: „I just think you deserve better is all."

If I was furious before, I am in full on rage mode now. „You're such a hypocrite, you know that? Acting all Casanova yourself but denouncing my try at leading a decent life without you. And besides, deserve better like what? If I didn't know it any better, I would say you're in love with me and jealous of Cameron!"

Just as I stand from the bench I was sat on and head for the door to return to Cameron, the first raindrops hit the concrete we are standing on, and the wind carries the wonderful smell of spring through the air.
A million thoughts run through my head. The most prominent ones being hurt and disbelieve. I have to finally cut out that one part of my heart that has always belonged to him.

Just as I am about to open the door I hear Duncan's agitated response. „Well, clearly you don't know it any better then, do you!"

His accent gets stronger when he's shouting, and while his Scottish way of saying things normally makes me swoon and feel at home, now everything in his tone of voice makes me want to fire back. I am prepared to tell him how 'out of character' he is acting when I truly get what he has just said. And what I have said before that. My heart skips at least three beats and I turn and look at him wide-eyed. I see the anger in his chocolate-brown eyes but there is also something else. Pain and hope are shining through and he steps towards me.

And it is this movement that shakes me from my trance. „Oh noo, no, no! You won't do this to me. You won't just drop that bomb on me and expect me to ... to ..." Yeah, what shouldn't he be expecting from me? For me to apologize for his mistakes? For me to come crawling back like a beaten dog? For me to believe that he shared my feelings which never went away?

I lift a finger and prod his chest with it while I gabble away at him trying to make sense of it all. „You don't get to make me feel guilty about moving on. It was you who stopped meeting me, you who ruined everything that we've had in our friendship. It was you who made me feel all these silly things. Making me hope for something I could never have. You don't have the right to ignite this hope in me again. You don't get to water the seed that I successfully trampled into the ground, for it to be ..."

Without a hint of a warning my rambling is cut short by his lips. His soft lips on mine.
His left hand in my neck, holding me in place and his right hand at my side, pulling me closer to his chest.
I am frozen to the spot, mind racing telling me to push him away and run. Then, all at once, with the hard rain above us the seed breaks through and sprouts from my heart, and I thaw.
I kiss him back and run my hands through his wild red hair, and with that the floodgates open and the storm hits.

***

While trying to calm down my heartbeat, I close the book and lay it on the table in front of me. The tears in my eyes are burning and I look up to the ceiling.
It's impossible not to think about Louis and I while reading this story, and almost naturally my eyes dart to the other side of the room. Surrounded by our friends he's telling a story that I can't quite make out. They're too far away.

It's not like I am not allowed to sit with them. In fact, Louis has asked me if I wanted to meet them in the library. I have told him that I would have loved to, but that I had to study. Two lies in one sentence. Ok, one and a half lies. I don't have to study. I have finished all my homework two courses ago. And while the part about wanting to sit with my friends is true, today is one of those days that make it hard for me to even look at Louis, let alone be around him.
It also doesn't help that he is now suddenly looking in my direction, smiling and winking at me instantly. His sheepish smile gets me every time and I wish he wouldn't wink at me, because I really can't handle my body's reaction to this seemingly innocent expression.

Reading this book reminds me that not everyone is as lucky as Rowan and Duncan. There are plenty of people out there that lost a friend because they've developed feelings which the other person didn't return in the same way. And that's exactly how it was for me. Louis and I have known each other for five years when I realised that I didn't see him as just a friend anymore. Trying to push those feelings and thoughts away, I acted as if nothing had changed – oh, but how it had changed. It didn't help that most of the time only the two of us would meet up. Go-cart racing, attending concerts, visiting the zoo – you name it, we did it.

At one point, 1,5 years down the line, I couldn't keep up the act anymore and caved. With that one small seed of hope I sat the two of us down in my parent's kitchen while they were out. I confessed everything, explained everything and dreaded his answer to my unspoken question.
My fear had been justified.

Heartbroken I'd held on to all my strength in order not to cry in front of him while he told me his point of view.
Long story short, we ended up not texting anymore. He kept his distance for quite a while, and I drowned myself in my heartbreak. God only knows how many nights I have prayed for a miracle while crying myself to sleep.

It took another two years before Louis was comfortable enough to go for a drink with only me. Still, we don't text nearly as much as we used to and the times when only the two of us hang out can be counted on one hand.
Most of the time I can manage my thoughts and feelings and pretend like this situation doesn't faze me, yet there are still days and weeks when the heartache is so overwhelming that I contemplate whether or not I should just end our friendship all together, so I won't have to be around him anymore.
You wouldn't be able to go through with it, my brain whispers and I can only accept the heavy truth of that statement.

So, while this book isn't bad at all, it is a painful reminder that my very own story about the friendship between a boy and a girl can take a very different turn. Louis Tomlinson and Delia Smith will never be, and that's the truth that stings every time that I think of it. It's the truth that makes me want to rip the book in front of me to shreds.

———————————

Hallo meine Lieben!

A little something for you in English. Ich dachte, ich fordere mich selbst mal etwas heraus und mach etwas, was mir sowohl Spaß macht als auch schwerfällt.

Lasst mich wissen, wie ihr es findet und ob das Geschriebene Sinn ergibt – wenn nicht, dann zieht mir eins über und sagt mir, dass ich wohl besser beim Deutschen bleiben soll xD

Falls es Leser gibt, die den One Shot wegen der Sprache nicht so gut verstehen, dann lasst mich das ebenfalls wissen. Sollte das der Fall sein, dann werde ich das Kapitel selbstverständlich auch auf Deutsch raufladen :-)

Und jetzt wünsche euch allen einen wunderschönen Abend und eine erholsame Nacht!

Eine große Umarmung an alle
Eure StephVi