"You keep trying to act tough and refuse to show your tears
Despite the fact that you're actually scared
In order not to lose those important to you
You have run this far desperately" – Lovers by 7!!, 2012

'You're no good, only a toy'

'You're no good, only a toy'

'yoU're No gOod oNly a toY'

'yOu'Re nO gOOd OnLy A ToY'

'WoRthLEsS WhOrE'

Jimin's eyes shot open, his chest rising and falling heavily. Anxiety was beginning to fill the pit of his stomach as he tried to take in surroundings. It was so dark, almost like the building he had spent almost 4 years in.

He didn't wanna go back, he couldn't go back-

Jimin's heard a loud ringing noise as he tried to calm himself down. A nurse clad in a white uniform came as his anxiety began to get worse.

Only a few moments passed when Jimin began to feel calmer, but he was still panicked. Jimin didn't want to go to bed, he couldn't go back to bed.

No, No, No, No-

He didn't want to go to bed-

|-|-|

'He who is unclean, he who is unnecessary, he who is unwanted!'

Loud cracking noises ripped through the air like lightning, the leather connecting with his skin like flames licking at his limbs. Welts began to rise on his already marked up and bruised body.

Jimin was ok with it though... He felt so numb and he felt so used to it.

He didn't want it to hurt anymore, so he just decided to make it not hurt anymore. He was tired, so tired...

There was a light shone on his face and he began to panic.

'No, No, NO! No more, please no-.'

'Perish and be cleansed! Your pain is for the benefit of everyone around you! Burn off your filth!'

He began to sob as the floodgates began to pour open. His skin felt like it was burning, just as the woman had said. There were flames dancing in his skin and tears streaming down his face.

There was a bright light in his face making him feel exposed and vulnerable. He didn't want to be seen anymore. He wanted all eyes off him.

He could scream, cry, and struggle all he wanted, but he was never going to get away from it all. He was so exposed to everyone in the room and everyone who was going to see him later. They were all going to see him look so weak and pathetic. They always called him out on it too.

'You made me like this... You're the reason I-.'

Jimin's head turned 90 degrees from the force of a slap to his face and he screamed. He couldn't help it, everything hurt...

'It would be better if I died right now...'

|-|-|

Jimin woke up a second time, a doctor standing right across from him.

"Jimin-ah, it's good to see you're awake."

Jimin shook his head in denial. He didn't want to be awake. He didn't want to believe that he was free... He couldn't and wouldn't believe that he was free.

Sure, the police had found him and everyone else, but who was to say he had found them? No one had told him he was truly, genuinely safe... What if they came after him? They looked like normal people just like everyone else... They acted like everyone else... And they were practically like any other normal person...

But they weren't.

They were evil, inhuman, despicable people... It may have been awful for him to think of such things, wanting them dead and everything in between, but it was true. Those people weren't human... Not with the way they hurt people without hesitation.

He could hear her stone-cold voice now, the way she would speak in such a high mocking, condescending tone. Her touch felt like needles on his already injured skin before the quick flick of her wrist with the leather in her hands.

She paid attention to him the most... He was said to be the most valuable of everyone they had taken... From actors to idols, he was apart of their most liked...

And that's why they felt the need to purify him... To mark him as theirs, to make him as dehumanized as they were...

It felt disgusting.

"How are you feeling? You gave us quite a scare earlier..."

Jimin looked away, pink dusting his cheeks as he recalled the dream he had earlier.

"S-Sorr-," Jimin bent over, coughing and wheezing from his dry throat. The doctor handed him a glass of water which he took gratefully. Upon closer inspection, Jimin concluded the water was safe to drink. He was given water at the warehouse... But he knew it would always end awfully for him.

"Is there something wrong with the water? I can refill the glass if you want..."

He shook his head, "No... I just-It just..." a small sigh left his mouth as he began to stare up at the doctor, almost envying the soft, caring look in her eyes. How can another human look at him that way and not feel disgusted? It was so familiar, but it felt like there was such a distant strangeness to that look.

"I'm scared there are drugs in it..."

The doctor's eyes widened as her lips slowly parted. Jimin found it comical that her glasses began to slip down her nose, but he felt it would be most inappropriate to laugh.

"Oh! I'm so sorry, we haven't even done the drug test yet!" Jimin wasn't looking forward to getting his blood or urine tested... He knew how this thing went, he had to do a drug test before becoming a trainee at Bighit. All idols in any entertainment company were subjected to testing to make sure no dirty business was going on when the cameras were off, and managers and professionals weren't around. It was all to secure that "clean" and "pure" image. It was only necessary though... He knew over the years he had many drugs forcefully put into his body.

The doctor exchanged the paper cup for a half-empty bottle of water, opting to drink from the paper cup instead.

Jimin drank it down, a bit more relieved now that he knew he was drinking from the source.

"You've been missing for about three years, almost four, Jimin-ah. How does it feel to be back in society?"

Jimin flinched slightly. He wasn't in the mood to be reminded that he had vanished off the face of the earth, stripped of anything he had before, and shoved into a new life with a much darker contrast to the one he had lived so contently before.

"It feels... It feels..." Jimin sucked in a breath, "It's nerve-wracking... The only way I would know what was happening outside those walls was if someone was willing to tell me, which more often than not, no one was."

The doctor nodded, "I see. We have already gotten in contact with the police, so they can come and get evidence if you want to press charges.

Jimin sighed, leaning back in his hospital bed, dragging a finger over his bruised and sore wrist. It was still sore from when the policewoman had found him underneath the bed when they searched and seized anyone who was there. They were all locked up, so they had no choice but to comply. They were there to help them then, they were going to be free...

He had seen some of the other hostages when the policewoman was leading him to the many paramedics they had stationed outside the premises.

Jimin sucked in a breath, this one less stable and more shaky and unsure, "Do I have to press charges?"

"It's common for victims of these types of circumstances not to press charges, but the choice is always up to you."

'We can do this the easy way or the hard way, the choice is yours... But you will tell me what I want to hear. I know you want to say it, Jiminie. All you have to say are those little words~'

But he had no choice. He didn't choose to be taken from one of the places he felt safe. He didn't ask to be thrust into other people's desires that he didn't want to comply with. But for fear of being hurt and tainted even more than he already was, he did.

And it made him disgusting.

Jimin shook his head, "What's going to happen to me in the meantime? As much as I want to believe I didn't lose three years of my life to those awful people... That's just how life works."

The doctor gave him another kind look as he stared bitterly at his lap. He really lost 3 years of life and has come within inches of his life the more he was there. He was never going to get that time back, he was never going to get his life back, and that's what was hurting him the most, the fact that he was never going to be the same. He had known this for a long time, but he never wanted to come to terms with it. He didn't think he was ready.

Namjoon, Taehyung, Yoongi, Jungkook, Hoseok, and Seokjin... He wondered how they had fared without him. They had such a strong bond before he had gotten captured, but now he didn't know what had become of what they had. A lot can change in 3 years after all...

"Would you like to start your examination? We have to examine you as per the protocol, but we need your full consent and we can go at your pace."

Jimin sighed, but before he could even get a word out, she followed up with, "And we'll be doing a rape kit."

That was the word that had Jimin's brain in complete turmoil. That word, that fucking word...

That word was an ugly word. It reminded of him of all those things those men and women had subjected him to against his will. He had been exposed to drugs, sex, and sin... A sin that he would be "purified" for.

What was so pure about taking lives away in front of someone else? Someone who's life didn't deserve to be taken? What was so pure about causing physical, mental, and emotional harm to someone else for their own benefit?

"I-."

"As per the examination, we can go at your pace. Whenever you want me to stop, we can stop. When you want me to keep going, we can,"

"I will ask you again, would you like me to start the examination?"

Jimin let out a weak noise before nodding, "Yes ma'am... I'm ready."

|-|-|

Even if the exam felt like a good half an hour, it felt more like an eternity to Jimin. Jimin knew she was a registered professional specifically assigned to his case, but he still couldn't fathom why (even if in his rational mind he knew why) they need to do so much poking and prodding for such a simple exam...

She had collected hair samples, gotten some blood and urine from him, swabbed the insides of his mouth and placed them in a plastic bag, but they were nearing the least pleasant part of the exam.

She was going to examine where he knew they would find the most evidence. His lower body was practically a disaster zone. It was a miracle he had no history of any type of STD or STI. He might just have to die out of shame if that happened if those people didn't kill him first.

If Jimin were anywhere rational, he would tell himself why they were doing this. They were doing this, so they could capture all those people that did harm to you and the other people there with you in those three years. They could capture them and make sure they were given the appropriate charges if he were to press charges.

Jimin practically jumped away when he was examined where he didn't want to be examined. He was being examined down there...

Jimin shut his eyes and started to try and suppress the awful memories from coming back as she poked and prodded and touched and swabbed. It eventually became too much for his mind to handle as he began to cry and curl in on himself. He was only hurting himself the more he did this because of how sensitive and vulnerable his body was at this point. As much as he didn't like it, it was true. He was weak, he was pathetic. He was useless, unwanted-

Jimin shut his eyes as he envisioned that woman snapping the leather against his body again and again and again. He could feel the ghosts of welts rising up on his skin as hot tears began to flow down his face.

He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to have to go through and bring back all the memories he had tried so hard to suppress and get rid of. He didn't want to be a burden on the poor lady that was just trying to help him, but his body just reacted...

The lady stopped, her hands stopped inspecting and her eyes were trained in intense focus as she tried to capture every detail.

Jimin felt pathetic as he felt her eyes on him, waiting for him to come down from his terror and paranoia.

After what seemed like forever, he got up, giving her a sullen look with a small nod, "O-Ok... Let's begin again..."

Jimin let her finish her physical exam and her rape kit, still wary of that word. He had known it was true from the second he had to hear the word, but he still didn't like to admit it. Jimin still had a firm belief that he could still be strong, that he was fine...

He was going to press charges against those people for hurting him and ruining him for all those years of his life. He had lost so much and gained nothing from that night.

What if things had been different from that time? What if someone else had gotten taken instead of him that night? What if Jimin was able to stay with everyone and keep performing as he had always been meant to be?

Jimin shamed himself for thinking such thoughts. He couldn't wish this type of harm on another human being... It wasn't fair. It had happened to him and he had to deal with it, no matter how much he didn't want to.

Jimin got off the bed when the nurse told him to. She began to write some things down in a notepad before taking something from her bag.

Jimin's heart dropped into his stomach, his fingers becoming cold to the touch when his eyes landed on the lack object in her hands.

Jimin backed away against the bed as the woman moved closer feeling his knees shaking.

"Now, Jimin... I'm going to take a few pictures for the police, I just need you to cooperate, ok?"

Jimin knocked the camera out her hands the minute she put the camera up to her face to take the first picture.

'What a pretty little boy. What a pretty, dirty boy.'

'Stay still for us, darling.'

No, No don't call me that! I don't want to be your darling!

'Wouldn't you like it if we got all of this here?'

'Come on, darling... We'll make it worse if you don't cooperate.'

In the end, he was always drugged, unable to move, unable to think, barely even thinking he was able to breath when it happened.

Jimin began to cry, scream and thrash, his body convulsing violently.

"No more cameras, no more-no-no more-."

He stared at the shattered camera on the ground. It had hit the wall and its pieces had flown all over the room. He saw the lenses staring back at him, the lenses a dark black pit that seemed to never end.

He could see his horrified expression in the reflection and it only frightened him more. He felt like his lungs were shrinking and making it hard to breathe. He seemed so pathetic as he watched the doctor walk out, leaving him all alone in that empty white room.

Being alone only seemed to intensify the magnitude of his meltdown. Without an extra presence in the room, Jimin felt like the room was closing in on him, similar to what he felt in the warehouse in days prior... It felt like mere hours ago even though it had been a while.

Jimin was thrashing on the ground, high pitched cries and whines as he tugged at his bandages and his IV drip. He ripped it out his arm and he could feel his wounds opening back up. Blood was beginning to soak his hospital gown as bruises began to cause a dull ache in his skin.

"No, No-No please-."

He could feel hands crawling their way up his body, touching places he didn't want to be touched...

"No-No-No-."

"He's going into shock!"

Jimin felt real hands on his body, only making him panic more as he was held down In the hospital.

Jimin let out a high noise, as his body began to go still. He was fading back into the darkness and he didn't even know what had hit him before he was completely in the dark.

"Enticed by someone's softly spoken words
I was dancing inside a trap
Even though I understood clearly
That what was important was "you" in my heart" – Lovers by 7!!, 2012