11. Stratagem

"You're ten times faster at braiding than I am," Séa said as her fingers tangled again.

"Fair enough. Give me what you're working on. I'll finish that last bit." Tash took the spray of woolen threads from the paladin and continued the braid. The raw material had come from the hem of Tash's prison robe. By braiding, they had transformed it into a few yards of slender rope. "Can you find a bit of broken cobble? The sharper the better. The bigger the better."

"Broken stone? Wull, sure. I stubbed a toe earlier and it bled." The paladin folded to hands and knees and explored among the loose straws.

"Good so far, then." Tash said, bent over her weaving.

Séa rocked back on her haunches. "Found it. The cobble split in two."

Tash's eyes flicked to the tiny window in the door. "I see more torchlight. Dinner time." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Eat up. It's best if we execute this before they pick up the trays."

Dinner was bread and water again. It disappeared down the women's gullets by the time the guard had gone.

Tash handed a cup to Séa. "It's tin, or maybe pewter. Try to rip the bottom off without mangling the sides too badly."

"Mm, hm." The paladin smacked the cup bottom with the sharp rock. The metal dented. A few hits later, it split.

"Peel it back. Yes, like that. Good, now, let me." Tash flattened the remainder with her heel, then bent the cup sides into a double-walled "C" shape. She refined it until the "C" became lopsided, more like a hook. With lightning fingers, she threaded two of the braided ropes around the handle and tied them off. At the tiny window, she stuffed the bent cup through the bars.

"Come, Séa." Tash offered the two rope-ends to the paladin. "Let's see if I can feel the bar." She flopped on her back and extruded her arm through the food slot. She managed to squeeze her elbow through and strained with her fingers along the door. "Right," she said. "Like the other doors, it's a bar. I can just touch the bottom of it with my fingernails. Lower the hook."

Séa lowered. The deformed metal met Tash's waiting fingertips. With deft nudges she guided it into position underneath the hefty wooden beam. "Slow and steady, now. Lift."

The paladin pulled on the ropes, gently at first. With more and more force, the braided wool ropes stretched. And stretched.

Suddenly, wood scraped against iron brackets. The sudden slack made Séa step back, but Tash stood ready to push.

The door swung open.

"Woo—" began Séa. But a tawny hand covered her mouth. "—oop!"

"Quiet, love." Tash said.

The paladin nodded vigorously and crossed her heart with her hand.

Tash uncapped Séa's mouth and jogged off down the row of cells. Another hefty jail-style door barred the exit. Séa pursued, bare feet flapping on the rounded stones.

The end door had no handle and no visible lock mechanism. The rogue ran her fingers around the edges and tried a push, but the door seemed solid. Tash exhaled in a huff and planted fists on her hips.

A moment later, she whirled. She pushed the hovering Séa a few paces down the hall and whispered. "We'll surprise the guard when they come. Take off your robe."

"What?" Séa blurted.

"Shh! Take it off and look sexy. Smile. Lean on the wall like a harlot. We want the guard's eyes on you."

The paladin's forehead wrinkled in doubt. "I've never seen a har ... harl ... one of those."

Tash grinned. "Act like you're seducing me, then. After I pounce on 'em, you can come help. Quick, now."

Tash whisked into a crouch by the hinges of the jail door. Half reluctantly and half with relief, Séa divested herself of the itchy robe. The torchlight played upon the ripples of her athletic figure. The rogue blew her a kiss and winked.

The paladin heaved a sigh and shook her head. Eyes locked to Tash's, she began to gyrate her hips. Warming to the task, she lifted her arms to weave in the air, alternately covering and uncovering her modest breasts. Her nipples rose, either because it was chilly or she found the situation exciting.

The rogue mouthed, "I love you."

The heavy door vibrated with a scrape and a clunk. It swung outwards, spilling more light. The shadow of the guard trailed long down the hallway and wavered. Mid-yawn, a male guard slouched his way past the lurking Tash. As if a puppeteer jerked a string attached to the top of his head, he tripped to a halt and goggled at the dubious but bare Séa. Additional long shadows that would have alerted his undistracted mind went unnoticed. Twitches at his belt announced the theft of his dagger and club. "Huh?" he said.

Tash tossed the club end-over-end to Séa, who snatched it out of the air. The rogue laid the sharp edge of the dagger against the guard's throat and murmured, "Surrender."

The fellow's hands slapped the empty spots on his belt. He gulped. "I surrender."

"Smart," the rogue said, "Now give this lovely woman your chain mail. In return, we'll give you the coziest of itchy robes and an entire one-room apartment. In a castle, no less."

12. Flight

After skulking around and taking every staircase that led up, at last the pair found the castle yard. Direct light could not illuminate the walled space, but indirectly it lay bathed in rosy hues by a puffy-cloud sunset. They sheltered in a doorway and joyfully gulped fresh air. The main gate stood open, though twenty archers acted as sentries on the walls. "Can we just stroll out?" Séa said.

Tash tested the edge of her purloined dagger with her fingernail. "Not likely, and definitely not with me dressed like a prisoner."

The paladin tugged on her lower lip. "Surely, some prisoners come and go. I mean, what if they're going to a different jail? Ompex has a regular jail, right?"

Tash squinted her scarred eye at Séa. "That's not entirely insane. You look like a guard. I look like a prisoner. If we don't pull it off, I suppose we can try running."

"But you don't have any armor!"

"I can dodge. I have zig zag skills. The important part is you. Can you stretch the truth enough to ask a gate guard to allow a prisoner transfer?"

"Err. Sure."

Tash regarded Séa with a lemon-puckered expression.

The paladin drew herself taller. "I can. I can lie like Giasleppi setting up a joke."

Tash laid her fingers together and shut her eyes. "May the trickster god make it so."

"Aww, there you go, Tash. That was the most best wonderfullest prayer in all the cosmogony."

"Thank you. Here, slip this dagger in your sheath. Now, we need to steal a bit of rope or some manacles or something."

The duo detoured through the stables on their way to the gate. Séa wrapped borrowed rope around Tash's wrists, loose enough so that the rogue could shake them off at will. With an additional lasso around Tash's neck, they ventured toward the gate.

At the guard shack, a man slumped over a desk amid scattered folios of parchment. He watched them approach with weary eyes underlined with dark circles. An officer's plume graced his helm, but its weight seemed to drag his head down. He wore chain mail and a breastplate.

"Doorwarden. Greetings to you," boomed Séa.

He winced. "Yes, yes. Niceties this late in my shift give me a headache."

Séa's grin exuded confidence with a dash of sympathy for the officer's evident suffering. "Apologies, sir. Permission to exit. Prisoner transfer."

The short speech's delivery, at least, answered the prayer to Giasleppi. It was an excellent mixture of boredom and official crispness. Something in the words, however, caused the gate-officer to lean back in his chair and regard Séa wearily. His tired eyes swiveled to Tash for a moment, too, and lingered on the ropes at her wrists. He beckoned them closer.

There seemed no choice. Séa shuffled forward. Her forehead wrinkled as she wondered about the near future. All might be well, but all might very much not well. Would she shortly club the officer? Such an assault seemed blatantly criminal. Perhaps she should simply run.

The officer rubbed his haggard, stubbly-chinned face. "Closer, please."

Her forehead wrinkles deepened and she toed up to his desk and leaned down.

"Good," he said. "So don't do anything rash, but I know who you are and what you are trying to do. You're Séa and Tash, right?"

The paladin's eyes widened. Somewhere in Celestia, Giasleppi groaned as Séa stammered. "We're um. We're a guard and a prisoner. Yeah. That's what."

The gate officer stared at them with the bloodshot eyes of a basset hound. "Uh-huh. Swear on Torugg."

"Feck," Tash muttered.

Séa's shoulders slumped. "I can't. Yes, I am Séa. By the Endurer I so swear."

"Right. So listen up. I'm letting you go because there's some fecking weird shit happening at the castle. The royal guard just got furloughed. How insane is that?"

The paladin straightened. "The king's protection?"

"Yeah. And he has no wizards anymore, either. It's like he's disabling his own defenses." Above him, on the walls, bored archers exchanged passwords. The sound galvanized the gate officer and he leaned forward. Urgently, he whispered, "But worse, several of us have seen quasits."

"Quasits." Tash's eyes narrowed.

Séa's eyebrows rose. "Ooo!"

"Captain Kebbes reported the sighting, but when he got back from the tower all he would say is shut up and that it was all a mistake. It's getting spooky. Even before you got here I was thinking about you. About how the realm's top demon hunters got locked up the minute they got to town." The officer scowled at Séa's blank, blinking face. "That's you two, blondie. And it can't be coincidence. There's something demon-related going on, and treachery or not, I'd damn well prefer you two free than jailed or dead."

Séa grew even taller and straighter. "By Torugg, we will not let Abyssal machinations infect Omnius!"

Despite being bound at the wrists, Tash steepled her fingers. "We're on our way to meet someone else who might help. We'll see what can be done."

"Right. Enough said. We never spoke. This never happened." The officer wiggled shooing motions with his fingers. "Now, git before I change my mind."

"Yes, sir!" Séa saluted fist-to-chest, pivoted and marched. She made a show of tugging Tash's rope collar.

The rogue muttered. "Watch it, paladin. I'm going to remember this."

Séa did her best to hide a grin. "I'll let you tie me up later."

Tash stayed sour. "Don't be so sure I won't."

Expeditiously, but not so fast as to break into a jog, the pair crossed the drawbridge and descended into the city and its gathering twilight.

"Tash?" The paladin's forehead had furrowed.

"Mm?"

"Are we really the realm's top demon-hunters?"

"That's, you know, what I hear. It's entirely your fault. First, you saved the king's life and then you slew Gluzzik the Roach King. Splashy happenings, those. Very splashy."

"Dear me," the paladin said in a small, small voice. "Oh, Torugg, forgive me. I'm sorry. I never meant to make a name for myself. How embarrassing."

"No time to worry about it now, Séa. Come back to earth. The harsh truth is that you and I are outlaws. We're on the run and we could be arrested if we're recognized. Furthermore, gods curse it, I'm poor again. I trusted all my treasure to the king's exchequer, and who knows where our gear ended up. We need better costumes. Both of us stick out like dicks at a strip party."

"All right." Séa generated a wan smile.

They entered the city proper, and Tash pushed Séa into the first alleyway that beckoned. She shucked off the ropes that coiled about her wrists and lifted off the rope collar. "I don't know this city," the rogue muttered.

"I don't know any city. We have to find the Shagging Rabbits—"

"Shaggy Rabbit," interjected Tash.

"—to meet Master Ghomarck."

"Clothes, first. Something bland and not too disreputable."

A/N:  Séa and Tash share a heavy horse when they travel. Her name is Bayrump, and she was trained as a charger for jousting tournaments. Regretfully, Bayrump does not appear in this story.

*

ONC story recommendation:

Try this romance by itsmeimthevampire :

Two strangers pretend to be a couple to win a dumb bet. The wager: they must enroll in couples therapy and fool their counselor.