Title: 30 Days Ultimatum
By: strawberrytrifles
Genre: General Fiction
Rating: 3.4\5

This the longest review I have ever written. So, lets get on with it:

REVIEW:

The cover is interesting. It attracts the attention but as your story is about a billionaire, I would suggest you to use a cover that shows what your story is really about. From the cover, it seems as if it is a typical teenger romance story.

The description is exactly how the story is but I would suggest you to lessen the description and get straight to the point. You can simply write as (it is just an example):

Mia, a sarcastic teenager has always dreamt of a perfect ever after with her boyfrind.
Despite the fact that her grandfather, her only family never approved of him, she continues to love him until one day, she learns that, for the sake of her grandfather, she has to go and live for thirty days with New York's most eligible and known bachelor, none other than Jason Steel.

"We'll both live together for thirty days and we don't fall in love within those thirty days, then we'll both part our ways and Mary whoever we want."

See? A much simpler description leading the reader straight to the point. This is just an example, of course.

Now, let's move on to the character development. You don't have so many characters so it will be easy. Let's start with Mia;

You have described her as sarcastic and over dramatic and these are the things that I can see but your description lacks at points. When I read her, it seems to me she is a seventeen or eighteen year old girl but in reality, she is a college student and has even worked in her grandfather's office. Taking this information, her behaviour is not mature enough. I get that there are thousands of people who can never take anything seriously but since she has a work experience, she should know how to greet people formally, even if your intention is to create a bad impression on them.

On the other hand, Jason, maybe not our typical billionaire, but he IS a billionaire and it means he has to do A LOT of work. You can't just take a day off so easily. Many of the billionaire have to pull all-nighters because they have so much work.

Also, billionaires are usually conserve at first. I get that he is not a typical billionaire but judging from the very first dialogue he said to Mia when he met him;

"Hi, I'm Jason Steele and I'm sure as hell don't want to marry you."

He seems cold and this dialogue suited his status too. The rest of the dialogue didn't really play fair to his status. Also, in your chapter Jason's POV you mentioned he was a serious person before Mia and if he was then after their meeting, at least till three chapters or two, Jason needs to stay rude or arrogant or simply less-talkative. Shy and reserve people need to be opened like an egg. Tearing each piece by care. 

There are also certain parts where the description lacks. Like, I still don't know how does Jason looks because he was not described at all. The only thing Mia said when he met him was,
"Wow ... damn, he was hot."

This does not explain him at all. How is his body? It is muscular? What about his features? Are they sharp or subtle? Does his face gives off an innocent look or does he have a smug face? What are the colour of his eyes? Does he wear glasses and what about his hair? There are so many questions and they can only be answered by you because he is YOUR character.

Here, you need to follow the show-not-tell rule. And how does it work?
Let me show you from this example without using the rule:

I descended the stairs and when I smelled pancakes, I remembered how hungry I was. I went into the kitchen to see my tall husband cooking pancakes for me and he looked really handsome. I really loved him.

Well, we explained but was it enough? I'd say not.

Let's apply the show-not-tell rule and see the magic.

I descended down the stairs and when a sweet smell of pancakes filled my nostrils, my stomach growled, and I went  in the kitchen. My heart wavered as my eyes took in a image of my husband, whose muscles bulged out of the t-shirt he wore. He was leant down since his height would not let him stand under the hood easily. His short brown hair were hand-combed to the right side, like he always wears. His full lips curled into a beautiful smile, and immediately, a smile drew on my lips too. "Good morning, sweet heart," he chirped with his sweet voice that was a melody to my ears.

Now in the above paragraph, we learnt that:
a. She was hungry.
B. She loves her husband.
C. Her husband has good body and brown hair
D. Her husband is tall.

We explained four basic things in the paragraph without really using the words "hunger", "love", "handsome" and, "tall".

This is how show-not-tell magic works. This does not necessarily implies on every character and scenario. There are a lot of moments in the book where we don't want to describe so much detail but when it comes to main characters and specially if it is a romantic story, such details attract the readers. It takes practice but I can see you improving after ten chapters so it won't be really hard for you.

This will also help you build the relationship between Jason and Mia. Honestly, it seems too rushy for me. Even though they are good friends and it is rom-com, let some awkwardness between them stay.

Same goes for Dwayne. When you say that he throws his tantrum often, then you need to show us at least an action of him that justifies the statement. Because actions speak louder than words.

Mia's friend doesn't need much improvement and so her grandfather. They are side characters but Dwayne is not. He is a part of Mia's life so he needs some work.

Aside from characters' development, let's get into grammar. I won't be talking about grammar overall, rather I'd break it down.

So, let's start with punctuation; commas. They are an important part of literature, they help the readers understand the meaning of a line, combine two clauses; Independent and dependant. So to use comma, we need to understand what are these clauses.

Here's the definition:

"An independent clause is a sentence that has a subject and a verb and requires no extra information." Or in other words, "it is a sentence that gives us complete meaning."

Example: Sarah likes sleeveless dresses.

Here, no extra questions arise. Sarah likes sleeveless dresses so she does. We don't really want to know why does she or does she like dresses with sleeves too? Those are irrelevant questions to us.

Now, for the dependant clause, it is opposite.

"A dependant clause is a group of words. It does not express a complete thought so it cannot  stand alone as a sentence." Or in other words, "dependant clause provides additional information but it is not a complete sentence."

Example: until the sun sets

When we read it, it gives off a sense of incompleteness hence, arising the questions in our mind.

Now we use commas before any dependent clause like:

Independent Clause: I saw a duck
Dependent Clause: when I went running
Together: When I went running, I saw a duck.

Commas also appear after introductory verbs like, "finally", "meanwhile", "furthermore", "suddenly", etc.

I think these are the things that you have confusion in since the rest is alright.

Your dialogues also need some work. Don't use tags a lot. Readers like that white space specially when a conversation is between two characters.

Instead of this,

'I talked to the driver and he'll surely drop you off.' He said, looking at me as he adjusted his watch.
'Okay, thanks.' I replied.
'You will need to give him some directions, though. He is new.' He told me as he nodded at me. 
'Alright, I will.' I said, as I waved. 'Bye.'

Try this,

' I talked to the driver, he'll drop you off.' He said.
'Okay, thanks.'
'You will need to give him some direction though. He is new.'
'Alright. I will.' I waved him farewell.

Less words ⬆️, better conversation.

You can also add some action in between the dialogue rather than using tags.

Example1: 'I talked to the diver,' he adjusted his watch, 'he'll drop you off.'
Example2: 'This will not work!' He pounded his fist on the table that made Henna flinch. 'It is a useless plan.' 
Example3: 'I thought you'll never leave my side,' she dug her face in her palms, her voice and sobs muffled, 'I trusted you. I trusted you with my life.'

Apart from dialogues, I'd like to talk to you about the usage of italics. Italics are mostly used in writing to either emphasise a word, a thought, any past memory or a dialogue. They are not used for actions. I think that you should remove those italics from the actions. Like the one where Jason hugged Mia for the first time in the office. It only confused me for I thought Mia was just reminiscing.

Your paragraphs chopping needs work too. Just learn this simple rule; Tip Top.
Change the paragraph when either of the following things change:
Time
Place
Topic
Person

Your plot is interesting, not unique but good. I get what you are trying to show through this story but the further elements are appearing as a hurdle in the success of your story.

The beginning and ending of the chapters are good actually and i like the bantering between Jason and Mia.

Overall, your story needs improvement. Since it is a first draft, mistakes occur so its no biggie. From ten chapters and onwards, I can see your writing improving which is a good sign.

{IF YOU HAVE ANY CONFUSIONS, YOU CAN COMMENT ME OR PM ME}

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huz