Title: C.R.U.S.H
By: Eddy622
Genre: Romance
Chapters: 42
Status: Completed
Score: 3.0/5

REVIEW:

(Warning ⚠️ this is a really long review. My reviews are getting longer and longer and I fear at this rate, I will not be able to give Book of the Month.)

Cover:

Your cover is pretty good actually with an attractive girl and a happy yet subtle theme. And I like the text on the cover so good job whoever made this.

Description:

Your description is not according to the book. Your description is split in two parts so let me discuss it in two parts.

First, the dialogues of Genesis and Itoro you decided to add which are (I know you know what are the dialogues but to discuss them, I'm writing 'em):

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"And who are you?" I looked up to see his well structured face.

"I'm Itoro, Itoro Samels."

"And what are you doing here?"

"Trying to clean up, Sir, you came home drunk last night and your elder brother thought it was wise to let me clean up your mess."

He looked at the mess in his room, "Good, I've got the worst head ache. Clean up and get out."

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So these are the dialogues that give away ... nothing. In the second part, you have already told us about her taking the cleaning job so we already know about it which makes it boring. What do you want to convey? What is the basic theme of your story that you want your dialogues to give away?

Mostly, the dialogues are used to show a love interest or a part of a relationship (either blooming or already bloomed) that will intrigue the readers.

Like, the most common example of wattpad is:

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He pushed me against the wall and caged me in between his arms. His warm breath fanned on my neck and goosebumps pimpled my skin. 'You think you can get away this easily? You think you mess with Jason Willows in front of whole school and he'll let you go? Well, get this, Lola,' he moved so closely that his pierced lip brushed against mine. 'I'll destroy you,' his finger trailed down up my arm. 'Every single fucking bit of you.'

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

Well, this is a description of a bad boy/romance/teen fiction story on wattpad and it is pretty typical. Like almost all the stories I read on wattpad start with the same description, especially the teen fiction ones.

They do attract majority of audience though because who doesn't love a mentally disturbed, half sociopath, insecure, self-centred and arrogant bad boy who does nothing but to establish a toxic relationship?

But my point is, the algorithms of wattpad are kinda bent towards these kind of stories. People are attracted when they see a steamy yet threatening lines in the description of a story at the very first and bonus points is they are dialogues! It is not really necessary to use this and only this. Your story is pretty interesting and has a lot of elements as well as dialogues that can be used to pull attention of readers.

Like, you can use the sending car part or threatening part or even Genesis breaking up with her over a pathetic excuse part of even Genesis showing up on itoro's birthday unexpectedly part or that part where Atinuke tries to flirt with Genesis but he just snaps to make her shut in front of Itoro. There are so many scenes that you can use! Don't use this. It is really boring. Even any bad-boy-Genesis-scene would be better for me who hates bad boys to lengths instead of this one.

Now, the second part of your description; it sucks, too.

You have a good story (I was suppose to say this in next heading but whatever) but you have not used the important elements of your book.

Now, according to me, what are you important elements:

⚜️ Itoro's need for money.
⚜️ Great job. Great people except for one.
⚜️ Her suspicions against Daniel.
⚜️ The attacks on her.
⚜️ A horrible truth revealed.

(I don't think the Genesis and Itoro's relationship part is that important. I know it is besically on which the story is based but I will tell you later.)

Now, those are your elements. Those are the things that make your story super interesting. Use those in your description. They will pique more interest of your readers.

Plot:

Your plot is good. It is different than the ones I've read. Cliche, but not so cliche. I was kinda engrossed in this story and it piqued my interest as the story proceeded. But there are plot holes so let me discuss them with you.

1. Pace.

This is most writers' problem. You sometimes don't know whether your story is going too slow or too fast. But in your case, it is pretty fast.

Let's take for example Genesis and Itoro's relationship which was crafted not so well. They bounded too quick and broke up too quick.

How? Itoro picked up the cleaning job and immediately had a crush on Genesis who was well-built and handsome and hot and had six-packs beneath his shirt and all that bad boy shit. She liked him immediately and would look for chances to glance at his face.

This is going well. You know, it has a pretty good pace but then, what happened?

Genesis once discovered that he hurt Itoro's feelings on her birthday and being a good bad boy, he went to Itoro's house to give her a present on her birthday as an apology. She accepted (obviously) and let him in and Genesis started hanging with her friends. Two or three (?) days later, he was winking at her and then after a week or so, when itoro's mother died, he kissed her and they were officially a couple and had babies and lived happily ever after.

The last two scenes didn't happen but it gave away that feeling. It seemed as if you just want them to kiss and get all touchy. As if you didn't really care about their development and you just wanted to be together and break up.

This is not how things happen. I am sure you have read books and watched romantic movies. Though movies portray things differently, you are ought to take some notes from the romantic books. Not of wattpad. Most of them suck in developing the relationship pace. Their main goal is to get to those sexual scenes and grab attention. I am sorry any of you who is here love the books but it is the truth. Half of the reads are due to erotica in those books.

And I think you kinda astrayed in the same direction. Though your book had no erotica, you wanted to add a few of these things because you thought your readers were getting bored but, it is not true. You have a really interesting plot line and honestly, the romance kind of seemed off line. Like you added romance in mystery rather than mystery in romance.

Pace is the most important part of a book. It is calculated by how much in depth you go when you explain either a thought, feeling, or simply an event. This persona is though unsettling, it is needed. The problem with your pace is, it is too fast like you just want to finish your story and get over with it. Like you are tired of your story.

Now how is it fast?

Let me tell you chapter wise.

⚫️ Chapter1 to 3:

It is all about Itoro or rather Chidinma looking for the job and signing in for the job and practicing for the interview of the job and interviewing for the job and finally, being accepted  for the job. Nothing else. But the pace was alright. It didn't seem to be rushed or anything.

⚫️ Chapter 3 to 4:

So it is the chapter 4 where Genesis shows up and the period of Itoro's crush on Genesis begins. These are also the chapters where Itoro leans about Genesis being a playboy but at the same day, she finds Genesis' vulnerable state.

Now it is fast here. We didn't even have time to connect with the characters when you already showed us their vulnerable state.

I always ask the writers to connect the characters with the readers through simple and small actions or wit's either big and tragic accidents. But the connection cannot develop if you don't give us time to even know them. For example, what did we know about Genesis? A play boy, man whore and rude and arrogant as hell. Nothing else. And these things cannot and should not define a character. Sure, a character can have these qualities but not only these. You might not know that even a rude character can be kind. A cold character can have the biggest heart. A soft character can be a back bitter. A big bulky character can be the most scariest one of all.

These diversion of qualities help shape a three-dimensional character. And three-dimensional characters are closest to humans. Not humans though. They are much more complex.

Try to slow things down.

Add more days. More chapters. Let Itoro get to know Genesis more. Just because he murmured "mummy" in his sleep does not show us he has a soft heart or if he deserves Itoro or not. What if he was a heart-breaker and could break her heart again? What if he would remain a man-whore and could never be committed to Itoro? What if he could never purely love her? Just because he whispered "mummy" in his sleep, it does not prove us that he is compatible with Itoro or if they can have a good or stable future together. A good and stable future in a relationship can only be foreseen when two lovers help each other to change themselves not change their lover.

Now that I have touched this topic, let me tell you about one thing the Wattpad writers do not know: love is not always the solution to one's problem.

Since you do not understand this principle too, and your story lacks its potential in this, I am going to brief you.

So, first, let's understand love. What is this? Why is it necessary? And to what extent should we depend on it?

You:

Me: *ignores and continues writing*

Love is not only a gushy feeling that makes your hair stand on your neck whenever your love interest touches you. It is not only the rapid heart beating whenever the love interest looks at you. It is not only the ache in your heart when you are far apart. Not the butterflies during a kiss or making love. Not even that "feeling" of everything being right.

The concept of love is far bigger than that. It is based universally; a connection between two persons extends to as far as one's eye can see. It is the depth that only increases with how much you dive. It is the third soul that is made up with two souls. It is the spirit that swipes every wrong out and allows the once compressed world between two people to finally breathe. It is a peace to heart that shuts the painful voices in mind out.

And when a thing as beautiful as this feeling, this emotion; it brings a big change in a person. This big change is reflected through each step, each breath, each strap. Even though this is such a complete and soothing feeling that fills each grain of our bodies, it still requires it's time to cleanse the person of his/her undesirable actions as well as thoughts. The thing about love is that is the widest feeling that should be felt universally rather than being severely restricted to our hearts. And because we do seal it away, love, instead of being a beautiful feeling that glorifies every thing that we lay our eyes on, it destroys us instead. Makes us choose the worst paths for the sake of love.

I quit the job that paying me bills and basically kept me alive because I want to do something I "love" to do. I  ignored how my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on me because I "love" her. I am working my ass off when my boyfriend is chilling on the couch because I "love" him and I want him to relax. I keep on trying to make my girlfriend feel less insecure because I "love" her. I keep on fighting my boyfriend's monsters because I "love" him.

This is not love, darling. This is torture to yourself, to your feelings, to your self-worth. This is why you are more insecure than before because you are letting your boyfriend make you feel less insecure rather than working on your own insecurities by your own self. You are more chaotic than ever because you are fighting the monsters of your boyfriend rather than helping him to fight his own monsters by his own self.

When love develops, it gives birth to mutual growth—emotional and spiritual— and understanding. The rest like support, help, communication are the branches of these two.

So, when you start loving someone—when you feel your stomach somersaulting like crazy—you start with just a little habit, a small talk, a small gesture. And when you fall in love with that person, you love them as a whole. But that little thing, that little gesture is the seed and that seed has to be sowed otherwise nothing will or should be proceeded.

So where is Galen's and Itoro's seed? Because even Itoro herself is unsure of why she likes Genesis as she says in Chapter 9:

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I felt a huge lump in my throat and at that moment, I kept asking myself; why do I like him again?

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Where is that wide feeling? No, there is none. And I gave you this hella long lecture just so you can make Genesis a good person.

Seriously, he is a jerk and I don't like him.

⚫️Chapter 5 to 10:

This was alright to me. Itoro found about another girl on Genesis' bed. They had a little bit of talking and you know, Genesis dropped Itoro home but he scolded her and and I have no idea why and what did he say that hurt Itoro so much because it was not mentioned or more specifically, SHOWED.

(Why? I will discuss it in Writing)

Now, the pace is okay here. It is not fast and I liked where you added Genesis' POV chapter. It gave us an insight of why would Genesis go back to her place. {Geneis' development }

⚫️Chapter 11:

I think you need to extend Genesis and Itoro as well as her firends' time. Because it seemed as if you just wanted to get over it. I have gotten this vibe from many parts of your book. There is nothing wrong to extend a chapter. It is alright to write LONGER chapter or cut it in half but when you are making two strangers interact and you have decided to grow their relationship (even if they "just" friends) you are ought to give your characters time to adjust.

You see, when you meet a person, you'll get attracted to them right away only and only if they have a jolly or uplifting personality. But getting closer to those mysterious, deep, dark people is hard. They don't open up quickly. They keep so many things to themselves that it becomes hard to understand them. And when you don't understand people, there are only two scenarios; you either stop trying or you try too hard.

And in Gensis' cases, there is none.

(I was suppose to write this all in Character Development but whatever)

The other part of this chapter was pretty unexpected. I thought he'll go home all dreaming about Itoro but well, things don't as planned. I am not complaining either. It was a good twist. Genesis knowing about his mother.

⚫️Chapter 12-17 :

There wasn't much, really. We learned about Genesis' DNA, Itoro's increasing crush and some drama. There are a few elements that bothered me in this range but I'd rather discuss them in character's development bullet because they need a looooooooooooot of words so I thought it will better if they get a separate heading.

⚫️Chapter 18-19:

So Genesis helped Itoro with accounting and Itoro's mother died and she went back to Okon. It was a good plot twist I must say but then comes the chapter 21 and I left eye twictched so bad.

⚫️Chapter 21:

Genesis and Itoro shared there very first kiss. This was fucking fast man and inappropriate. I know maybe you were thinking that it has been 21 chapters and there has been no kiss but girl, it was not a right moment to do so. Itoro's mother died and Genesis went up to her like, "this girl's sad. Lemme kiss her with mY SWeEt and fuLl liPS."

Nah-uh boy. You hold your jellies down. You first hug that girl. You assure her. You comfort her then, after thirty years do you kiss her. No kidding. At least let her come out of the trauma of losing her mother. Let her breathe. This chapter was really fast. I think it can use a lot of improvement. Actually, you know what? Try to add a few chapters BEFORE it so that we can be prepared. I know first kisses are ought to be unexpected but don't make them unexpected on this level, alright? Let the characters KNOW each other. To be honest, if they hugged or something like that, it will be more appropriate to the situation and more cute and romantic. It will develop the understanding of the characters. Like they care. Like they are falling for each other. 

⚫️Chapter 22-23:

There wasn't much except for "beautiful" relationship between Genesis and Itoro. I really hated their "boyfriend-girlfriend" shit and believe me, I love romance so much but this was just not good. Because it all was so rushed. There were no cute moments instead of Itoro stuttering whenever Genesis would come around.

⚫Chapter 24:

Boy! This was a dope chapter. I loved it so fucking much because Chidinma died. (Well, not really) but it was really thrilling. I almost dropped my phone as I read it. It was an awesome plotwtist.

⚫Chapter 25-26:

Er... they could be better, you know. Again, it was Itoro because of who I was pissed. But, these chapters were kinda fast. I mean, Chidinma died and all Itoro came asking was about her body and they instantly found about the note. I think it would've been so much more better if they didn't find the note right away. Dissolved in grief and hopelessness, they would find a note somewhere so unexpected. It would piques much interest. Just a suggestion though.

⚫Chapter 27-28:

They find Chidinma. Again, it would be better if it would've taken much longer time for her to be found because it will add further suspense. Also, at the end of the chapter 28, Itoro is about to get raped. This is a good cliffhanger but ... the dialogues and the action didn't add up and it seemed as if you just added it without any good reason. These things happen a lot with first draft so it is alright but since you asked me for a review, it is my duty to mention the weak points.

⚫Chapter 29-30

In chapter 29, as expected, Itoro is saved but the way Genesis held her like she will break if he'd let go is what I am asking you to do in chapter 24 AKA The Kissing Chapter. It would be so much better. Then, Chidinma is found (as expected) and she tells us about Genesis's father. Boy, that was an interesting twist. But can you please quit the "start of flashbacks" and "end of flashbacks"? This is really annoying. Just write in italic or write it as a way that tells us that the character is reminiscing instead of giving us the heading. It is annoying and is not really considered professional.

⚫Chapter 30-34:

The pace was quick here. I know that an evidence as strong as a phone call can make anyone believe of anyone's crimes but when things come to blood relations, you don't believe so quick. It was rather unusual when Genesis just believed Bolane. It should've taken more convincing, more doubts, more arguments—you know, humanly actions.

Chapter 32 seemed useless to me. Itoro didn't need to go to a date with Bolane. It was a stupid act. Why couldn't Chidinma go there? Bolane spared her life at the cost of his, so, as you have showed Chidinma so kind, why couldn't she go? I think you made Itoro go because you wanted Itoro and Gensis to break up over something and you have nothing so you just made her do it. It didn't make sense to me. And to be honest, it would've been so much better if they didn't break up. You didn't need more drama. You had enough because maybe to fulfil the demands of bad boy cliches, you did it.

After it, comes the fast forward of one week. One week. One week! Yo don't just fast forward to one week especially when things are this complicated. I wanted to know what happened the next day. Or the day after. Did they meet? What did Genesis do in high school? Did they ignore each other? Or did Genesis want to talk to her but Itoro ignored her?

But you just brought Tessa AKA Genesis's ol' friend back which was again, cliche. You have such an interesting plot that these cliche things could be avoided. I am not saying that cut them off completely but they could be moulded in a unique and more interesting plot.

⚫Chapter 35-36:

So in chapter 36, everything was revealed. It was a good chapter. I didn't expect Mr.Valentine at all so, good job but, I think, it would've been more better if he ran away or something. Suspense, you know.

And also, at the end of chapter 36, Itoro took a bullet for genesis. Cliche. Rolled my eyes. Bad boy guilt alert. Could've been better.

⚫Chapter 37:

The last chapter. Ah! What a relief it is to write the words "The End" but also, the most agonising and toughest job it is. But before you write these words, you are ought to wrap things up pretty good. Like, everything. In this chapter, Genesis felt guilty and knew he "love" her.

(Nope, I didn't just roll my eyes)

I don't know why I am rolling my eyes so much. Maybe because I hate bad boys cliches or maybe because it was so much expected. An advice: read more books on romance. You are good at writing crime but not romance. Because romance has so many types rather than this bad boy cliche. Any type of (non-cliche) romance could be suited this story. Even a cute romance would be better. When you sit to edit your story, edit the cliche parts and the romance parts. And try to look at the pace of your story. It gets too fast at points where it should be slowest.

I don't write reviews chapter wise but since your story is completed and it had a pace problem, I thought I should. A book has good chapters and bad chapters. If I didn't like a chapter, it does not mean your story was not good. It was a good story but there were elements that could not be discussed generally.

Character development:

Let me start with my evil laugh because again, I have so much to write.

Let's start with our sweet delicate Itoro. (I love her name btw)

I don't like her. Sorry to give you a heart attack so quickly but she is someone you did not want to turn out to be.

This happens a lot of time. Writers usually end up creating characters they didn't mean to. And this is totally normal but let me state why I don't like her.

1. She is too typical.

I say it a lot that try to give your characters a unique characteristics that help the readers differentiate and remember your characters and I will say it to you too. Because Itoro is a typical teen who is poor and all she wants is to earn money with no future goals and aims what-so-ever. She is the type of girl who thinks her problems are the biggest problems anyone could ever have and that she is worthless. Basically, she is wrapped in her own self-pity which makes her slightly pessimist. There is no reference or dialogue I can give but this is the aura that I captured from your story.

2. She tries to be someone she is not.

She is a boring girl but she does not want to be. She is a dull girl. Now as you were writing her, you didn't notice it but then you did and you thought why don't I change her? But as you did, it didn't turn out to be how it was suppose to me.

Let's look at some examples, shall we?

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From Chapter 27:

"Itoro, Akwaibom queen, welcome. You come resume work?"

It laughed at Musa's words. I wasn't happy cause of Chidinma's death, but that doesn't mean I'll make everyone around me unhappy.

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EXCUSE ME?!

Your bestie died where you should be the one to die and here you are saying that you are just sad. That you don't want everyone around you to be "unhappy"?

This is wrong, so fucking wrong. It does not work like this. And this line alone has a lot of problems. Let me state them to you.

(Let me get an energy drink too)

So, first, when someone closest to you dies, like you know, your sweet BESTIE, you don't smile so easily especially someone like Itoro. Rather, Itoro should be pissed off at Musa's words or simply ignore them because she should be in trauma that her bestie died. Her bestie died. HER BESTIE DIED. Come on, man, show some sadness. I am feeling sad because Itoro didn't feel sad enough. She should be brainstorming about what happened. How it happened or she should simply be so tired of crying or feeling low that she can't even crack a smile.

Next, her notion "doesn't mean I'll make everyone around me unhappy". This is incorrect too. Here, you can see she is trying too hard to be liked. I didn't see her like this in the beginning. She wants to fit in even when she has already.

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Chapter 29:

"Can you walk?" He asked feeling concerned, as he got hold of my hands so he could help me up.

"Yeah. He didn't have his way with me, thanks to you." I said jokingly, just to lighten up the mood. I believed that by doing that, I won't accept the fact that I almost got raped.

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????????????????????????

EXcUsE mE?

You were about to be raped and here you are trying to "lighten up the mood". You almost got raped. Aren't you feeling stressed? Or in some sort of shock? Or feeling like crying? Or something like humanly? No?

Okay, let me go scream my lungs out.

Nah, seriously, girl. What are you? This is a reason I don't like her. That she is always trying yo give inhuman reactions. Always trying to be who she is not. It needs so much description. It could be like,

⭕️✒️🖌✒️🖌⭕️

"Can you walk?" He asked, feeling concerned as he got a hold of my hand.

I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. The realisation struck me like a bolt of lightening that a man I once loved came to rape me. I wanted to cry, to scream, to punch but I could do nothing. Saying the words "okay" seemed like a huge burden for my sore throat. But despite my fragility, a tear, like a furrow, marked its path down my cheek and before I knew, I was crying.

"Hey," he pulled me in a hug. "It's okay. I'm glad he didn't do anything to you."

He was right but he could've done so much to me and that sheer thought pimpled my skin with goosebumps.

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Not the best clean up but this is what I mean. We want her to give us reactions that are supposed to be given. Not "I smiled because I didn't want others to feel sad" or "because by doing that, I won't accept the fact that I almost got raped."

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From Chapter 25:

"Itoro," Genesis voice brought me back to reality. I whipped my head to look at him.

"Where is her body?" I asked him.

"You need some re__"

"Genesis, where's - her -body?" For some unknown reason, my voice held authority. But the look on Gensis's face, informed me he didn't mind.

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(Ignoring the grammatical errors)

Again, not a good reaction. You don't come back and simply go and ask for the body. You ask them if what they told is right or not. You present your own logics and points to ensure that they are wrong. That the person who is closest to you is not dead. You don't go ahead an ask for the corpse and worry if your tone holds the authority or not. For goodness sake!

3. She is in-consistent.

I don't get her a lot of times. What does she even want? At places, she is like the girl who wants to be intelligent and shit but at times, she is not so intelligent. In one paragraph, she'll say something and at another, she'd say something else. I don't like her. Did I tell you I don't like her?

Alright, before I give you an example, let me tell you that not all readers will love/like the MC and it doesn't mean that your story is not good. I didn't like Mare from Red Queen either but it does not mean that the story was not good.

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Chapter 28:

Andrew laughed an irritating laugh, before saying. "You are my problem, you fucking whore!" He yelled. Silence was the best answer for a fool, so I let him continue. "Why are you dating my best friend? For his money? Is he even aware that I'm you ex that I broke up with you cause you were a whore?!"

"Oh shut it, Andrew." I snapped at him, "We both know that you broke up with me cause you were irresponsible and naive."

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(Ignoring the grammatical errors)

This conversation is so childish, you know?

But, leave it.

Let's get to the actual point. So in firsat paragraph, Itoro said that she did not speak because "silence is (not was) a best answer to a fool". Well, she is right and I actually began respecting her at this point but then in the next paragraoph, she snapped at him.

I don't think I need to explain what is wrong with it. I think you got it, didn't you?

4. She does not seem to have standards.

Why did I say this? Because she fell in love with Genesis who did not prove himself at any point. And don't even try to argue with me that love does not need any proving. I explained this above and it pissed me off. Why would you love someone when that person gave you/showed you nothing to be fallen in love with? What Genesis even have? Even Itoro hersel knew this as she kept on saying:

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From Chapter 9:

I felt a huge lump in my throat and at that moment, I kept asking my self: why do I like him again?

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And then came the gut-punching chapter where Itoro boldly blurted:

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Chapter 14:

"Chidinma, I can't let Genesis suffer. I'm in love with him."

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

GIUEGTOIUEWG!

I was about to cringe but then Chidinma told her what she had and it was a really good lecture. I loved her afterwards.

But Itoro needs a lot of work especially if you want her to be sweet, delicate, positive and mature girl. But don't make her flawless. Give her a lot of flaws. The things described above were not her flaws, alright? It were the holes in the shaping of her character that need to be filled. Do not worry. These things happen a lot with first drafts so chill but do consider these things when you begin editing your story.

Enough of Itoro, let's move on to GENESIS:

I love his name too. It is really good and suit his character and his pictures ...

I was like,

So ... Genesis is our bad boy/ player/ heart breaker but also, he is a sweetheart and a broken soul.

Only, he is not.

He he only seems to me the badboy/ player/ heart breaker. Not the rest of the part.

Because he has no qualities. I had mentioned it several times and let me mention again; why did Itoro fall for him? What did he even do?

To me, he only seems a swallow person and Itoro an idiot to fall for him. Why?

Talking about standard, let me tell you that I absolutely hated her when Genesis raised his hand at Chidinma and even witnessing the scene with her own eyes, Itoro still begged for Genesis to not break up with her.

Like, girl, where your standards?

Have you got no shame?

You're talking insane.

(Yup, I just wrote a few lyrics of Friends by Anne-Marie)

Let's start with the points and my reasons.

1. He has a crappy personality.

Now, why does he? Well, when a person has nothing else in their character, they come off as shallow person. Tell me, what does he have? Does he treat his servants nice? Does he respect them? Does he care for who he hurts? Does he has respect for women? Does he care for his elders? Is he a great listener? Does he have different perspective? Does he has greater aims? Do his opinions leave you dumbstruck? Do you have impressive conversations with him? Does he thinks logically? Does he unconsciously leave some money for the homeless? Does he care for the ones near him? Does he care for your little things? Does he support you in your tough times? Will he do anything to protect you?

WHAT DOES HE HAVE?

What is the one thing that keeps on pulling Itoro to him even when he talks bitter and shit he does not even mean? What is that one thought, that one habit that keeps Itoro's heart tied to him?

And because he has nothing, I feel nothing for him. Not even a single thing. I am not kidding. At times, this story became a burden for me because I knew nothing about him or even Itoro. All I knew was that Genesis is a Greek God and has amazing body and is a crazy rich spoiled brat.

So give him something. Not just past. Not just looks. Give him himself. You have the power to make him so.

2. He is too handsome.

I know you think I am crazy to say that this is his problem but it is. Because looks are not everything and should not be either. Why do you all make the heroes so beautiful? Why is there no diversity? There are so many boys out there who might not be a "Greek God" but are equally handsome with there habits and intelligence. While you girls talk about the image the society has created for women, you have created an unapproachable image for men too. This topic is not discussed more often but I think it is time for us to become less self-centred and understand what are we doing to boys too. Not all boy/man should be strong and godly. I know these stories are fiction but a lot of boys read these stories too and it is time we change these things and help them boost their self-confidence too.

Instead of bright blue eyes, I want to see dull brown eyes. Instead of symmetrical nose, I want to see flat nose. Instead of full plump lips, I want to see thin, almost non-existent lips. Instead of full hair, give us thin hair. Instead of six abs, give us no abs.

Instead of gods, give us humans.

I have read too many stories of "perfect boys" that I am beyond tired of them but these series still continue because creating a bad boy is the easiest. Take a great body, pour two spoons of blue eyes, one cup of full, luxurious hair, two pieces of fresh set of lips and tada! Your bad boy is ready.

Serves many girls.

I am not asking you to make him an ugly ass but anything can work. Any weird quality, a strange habit, a disgusting dressing sense, an eerie routine might work fine.

3. He cannot be a good life partner.

I do not want to be a grandma and tell you that you should not marry your own character because he cooks bad but because he seriously will be a terrible life partner. He is a self-centred bastard who cares for nothing but himself. He does what pleases him and not what pleases his love interest. He does things because his love interest did it and now he wants to pay back and this is not love.

As our beloved Justin Bieber puts it:

"Love isn't do this for me and I'm gonna do this for you. That's not what love is. Love is, I'm gonna do this for you because I wanna do this for you."

So yeah, for the first time, he said something right.

But this is what it is. He dropped Itoro home because he talked crappy to her while she cleaned his room. He gifted Itoro on her birthday because he talked shit to her on her birthday. He confessed his love because she took a bullet for him.

You: But he helped her with the invesgitaion too.

Me: because it was related to himself.

And because he works like give and take, I don't think he can form a good relationship. Well, both of them can't. They both are so childish that at times, I want to shut my phone down, crash it under the tire of a car, pick up the pieces and throw them in the ocean.

But, obviously I can't do it. Why not? Because I ain't got no ocean.

4. He is mean.

You know what I just realised? That all I am doing is pointing out the negatives here and I feel so bad. If I would be at your place, I wouldn't mind smashing my head. But don't do it. I just washed my hair and the blood would make them sticky.

A round of applause for my lame humour.

Back to Genesis. Why is he mean? Because he fucking broke up with Itoro over no reason. Itoro seemed so nice to him and he just straight on yelled that she cares for Bolane more and loves him because she was on a date with him. Remember when I told you I wanted to smash my phone and throw the pieces in the ocean? Yeah, that condition implies here too.

But the same problem: no ocean.

What is his problem, man? Who the fuck is he to break up with her on a matter as small as this? This is the most illogical break up I had ever read. Poor Itoro was helping him with the investigation and he was like, "You love Bolane because you went on a date with him."

5. HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN!

I wrote it in caps because I wanted to let you know that at the point where he raised his hand at Chidinma, I was like, oh boy! I quit livin'!

I hated him so much at this point, you know. He mean? Alright. He selfish? Alright. He too handsome? Alright. He a bad partner? Alright. He with fucked up metrics and values? Alright. He raise his hand at a woman?! NOT ALRIGHT.

This was a quality that made me cringe not at Genesis, not at his values, but at Itoro's choice. He raised his hand to hit Chidinma but Itoro still went up to him to beg him not to break up with her. This was the part that stood out the most to me and I am not going to lie, I seriously quit reading the book for a while.

When you are writing a book and trying to convey a menssage, try to convert a message in a way no one can expect to have. If that message is on love, that message should be positive. Even a 800 pages book can be wrapped up in only one sentence: "Honesty is best policy", it is considered good because it is positive and a person did not just read a 800 book only to know that all the author wanted to say was, "fuck life".

And your book, what was the message? What did we get? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Even in the case of love, it gave us nothing.

And maybe it could've given us something but that something was taken away when Genesis raised his hand and Itoro begged for him. All the process of me extracting something from the book was destroyed.

Did I tell you I don't like him at all?

Probably.

So, next in line is our lovely CHIDINMA.

I love her.

She comes out just like you wanted. Utterly sweet and intelligent. I love her. I always love the besties of heroines because they are crafted better.

She is nice and kind and strong and independent and brave and caring and intelligent and full of flaws and more human and basically all the things I could write using commas.

I loved her the moment she told Itoro about how it was not love but crush she had on Gensis. I don't know but it was so wise that I wasn't expecting Chidinma to say it.

And I also loved the way she fought with the fact that she was kidnapped. It was courageous of her.

Then is ATINUKE:

I know she is not a main character but she needs to be discussed.

The thing about her is that she is an undoubtedly weird character that again, don't make sense to me. Maybe you added her for the sake of humour but soon enough, that humour turned cringe-y for me.

She is a cook and she likes Genesis and basically all the cute guys and she is always rude to Itoro (I don't even know why).

She sometimes makes me laugh but a lot of times, she seemed a forced side character and becomes cringing af. I think the times she was included in the story, she needs to have a back story or atleast a glimpse of it. I kind of wanted to know why is she doing what she is doing.

Is she bad at relationships? Was she married before but couldn't hold the marriage? Did she never date? Is she insecure about herself? Did she and Genesis share sometimes intimidatingly?

Because the way Genesis treats her back suggest something like this too. She feels clingy and Genesis seems alright with her. Like she is caressing Genesis' arms and getting too close and all he does is talk her off.

If she has to make so many apparances in the story, craft her well. Craft her like you would craft the main characters because we might not know but side characters play such an important role in a story.

And lastly, about OKON:

The reason why I think he deserves to be discussed is because whenever he appeared, he seemed fucked up to me. Like many of your side characters, he seemed forced. You know a character is forced when, if you remove the charcter from the story, nothing changes.

So, he is Itoro's brother and younger. Now I know there are a lot of teens who can cope with loss pretty well, but there are plenty of teens too who cannot handle situations ... er ... well.

Now, Okon is a a boy who had to take care of his sick mother all alone. And he was just a boy. While Itoro was studying peacefully, he was caring for his mother with a decling health.

This might not happen to everyone but to most people, it happens that they grow fed up. They get tired and stressed out and start blaming others. Even though Itoro sent the money (Chidinma's money) she still didn't take care of her mother. It was Okon who was taking care and I think the moment Itoro came back to the village after hearing the news, Okon should've acted rather rude or distant with her instead of being too nice. This would be a more natural reaction than being a sweet ass brother. Because again, he is just a boy.

And this paragraph, from Chapter 25:

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

"I know that Chidinma, your best friend is dead. She was really a nice girl and, she was nice to me. She helped us by sending Mama and I money every month to take care of our self, which is rare, even though it was little, it was huge to us."

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Sooooooooooooo, this dialogues seemed off beat. It feels as if a seventy year old grandma is saying this. This does not sound like a teenager at all.

It would be better if he yelled at Itoro or spoke one-liner or something.

One more thing, this dialogue is too chilled. Chidinma died and Itoro couldn't believe it and she kept on saying she can't be dead and Okon just straight on went and said an eulogy. This should be like,

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

"I can't believe she is dead. She can't be, can she?"

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

That's it, no more. No less.

Before I end writing about the character's development, I would suggest you to take us to Itoro's mother. I would like to meet her especially when I got to know she died because I wanted to feel the connection with Itoro and with her mother as well.

Grammar:

You need a lot of work on grammar. Your punctuation is very poor as well as the use of articles, adjectives, pronouns and stuff. I've got a few examples.

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

🏮From Chapter 16:

We all sat at the living room, Dad, at his usual seat, Daniel and I were seated beside him. Even Itoro, Atinuke and Musa, stood at the dining area, witnessing everything.

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Should be:

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

We all sat in the living room. Dad at his usual seat while Daniel and I sat beside him. Itoro, Atinuke and Musa stood in the dining area, witnessing everything.

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

From Chapter 28:

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Andrew laughed an irritating laugh, before saying. "You are my problem, you fucking whore!" He yelled. Silence was the best answer for a fool, so I let him continue. "Why are you dating my best friend? For his money? Is he even aware that I'm you ex that I broke up with you cause you were a whore?!"

"Oh shut it, Andrew." I snapped at him, "We both know that you broke up with me cause you were irresponsible and naive."

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Should be:

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

Andrew let out an irritating laugh as he said , "You are my problem, you fucking whore!" He yelled. Silence is best answer for a fool, so I let him continue. "Why are you dating my best friend? For his money? Is he even aware that I'm your ex? That I broke up with you cause you were a whore?"

"Oh shut it, Andrew," I snapped at him , "We both know that you broke up with me cause you were irresponsible and naive."

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

Apart from your punctuation mistakes, there are tense changes.

From chapter 2:

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

An hour passed and I'm standing in front of Mr. Valamtine's black large gate. I knocked gently on the gate and waited patiently for someone to attend to me. A gate man whose head was shaped like a moon, opened the gate and stepped out.

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Should be:

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

An hour passed as I stood in front of Mr. Valentine's large black gate. I knocked gently at the gate and waited patiently for someone to attend me. A gate man , whose head was like a full moon, opened the gate and stepped out.

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

Tip: We use "at" when we knock gently and "on" when we knock roughly.

Another tip: Order of Adjectives are as followed:
1. Quantity
2.Quality
3. Size
4. Age
5. Shape
6. Colour

EXAMPLE: Three large circular red balls.

And don't write adjectives like, "latest Samsung phone" or "Nokia (whatever) phone" Often. Just write "my phone". We'll get that she has a cheap/expensive phone. Trust me, we readers are intelligent enough.

Also, when you are to show stuttering, don't write like, "c-cause" or "s-stay".

Most people don't talk like this. They usually go back and forth.

Like, instead of:

From Chapter 3:

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

"Yes Sir, v-very hard working." I answered.

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Should be:

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

"Yes sir, um ... v-ery... er ..." I cleared my throat, "very hard working." I forced a smile to hide my stutter.

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

This gives a more natural feeling but you know, if you are making itoro nervous, keep this trait of her constant not just in few chapters. Even after she is dating Genesis, make her stutter.

Writing:

You don't have any particular style or rather no style. It is simple writing which is good but it lacks descriptions at points.

Like, at Chapter 37:

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I sat on a plastic chair and buried my face in my palm. "This is all my fault," I couldn't help but scold myself. I felt a presence beside me, I lifted my head and turned to the side, to see Chidinma looking at me. I sighed as I leaned back, "I know you want to scold me right now, but can you do it later?"

❌🖌✒️🖌✒️❌

Should be:

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

I sat on the plastic chair that creaked under my weight and buried my face in my palm. "This is all my fault." I couldn't help but scold myself. How could I let this happen? How could I be so ruthless? How could I not protect her? How could I...? I rubbed my face as it felt as if someone squeezed my heart. The pain in my chest became unbearable. All I wanted was to feel Itoro one more time. Feel the warmth of her hands as they fit in mine. The melancholy sound of her laughter. Her heart warming smile. But now, seeing her laying lifeless on the bed through the window, it all seemed impossible. I lost her but I coudn't lose her. She was my life, my heart, my reason to smile, my reason to breathe—how could I lose her? How could I lose my own self?

I felt someone's presence but I didn't bother opening my eyes, or even looking at the person because I knew. "I know you want to scold me right now, Chidinma," I breathed through my mouth, "but can you do it later?"

⭕️🖌✒️🖌✒️⭕️

Not the best clean-up but it should be like this. It gives us more feeling and more in-depth view of what is actually happening inside a character.

Quality:

The quality of the book depend upon all the factors I discussed above. The openings and endings of chapters are alright. Nothing extraordinary.

Overall Review:

Like I said above, your story has great potential and it has an amazing plot. I didn't read such an interesting plot on wattpad for so long but you see, plot alone is not enough. It depends upon a lot of factors which can be amended if you pay closer attention. I would suggest you to read books on romance, crime, thriller/mystery and on grammar. Or if not on grammar, study the articles on Pinterest. They are pretty helpful. Keep writing. You will get better. First drafts are usually full of al lot of errors.

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Huz