Title: Struck Between Worlds
By: jesswritesforfun
Genre: Teen Fiction/Sci-fi
Chapters: 19
Score: 3.9/5

REVIEW:

Cover:

I liked the cover. It's pretty cool and (kinda) aligns with the story. I don't know what is to happen more neither can I predict. That is the reason I used "kinda". But I liked the font and the theme and the girl standing.

Description:

Two lines explained the whole story. It's good but I think that you should modify the second line. Make sure that it follows the pattern of the first line. Maybe you can tell us about her "strange truths", "losing her loved ones to find her one truth" or something super unpredictable. You know, it would just pique more interest.

Plot:

You plot is gripping from the first chapter. I liked how you showed not a different world but different people with ordinary lives. I know this happens in most stories but I still liked it. I don't know this is only me, but your plot seemed slow to me. Maybe it is because I like action and cliffhangers to increase my urge to read more because they are necessary. You can use some cliffhangers, some twists here and there instead of dragging a whole topic for three chapters. I get that you are thriving to build a flow but it felt quite slow to me. For example when Via was practicing to become a member, that part was quite boring but because of the factors I will explain later.

Character Development:

Aaaaaaand we are back on characters. I wait so long to come on this heading.

Alright, so, let's start with Via.

I hate to break it to you but she is quite boring.

I say this to almost all the characters of the books I have reviewed because their plots are so great but due to  their characters, they don't get the deserved recognition and the interest they should grip. Even if their stories are not character driven, they play so much important role in the stories. And when they turn out to be boring, well, I'm like:

So, Via is a girl who is different and she finds out a source that could answer her questions and for this sake, she leaves her family, her friends to go where she can seek answers.

That tells us she is curious which is what I love but after she gets in the sea, she just goes too slow. For instance, for three weeks, she just practices to become the member and then does she become curious to seek the answers. To me, that's pretty lame, you know. If she is a naturally curious person then she should be curious throughout the process. For her, it should be impossible to stay alive and being able to focus without getting answers. For her, going through the obstacles should be impossible for her.

And if you mean to make her not-so-curious-but-curious-enough, then, when she is offered to know the truth in exchange for leaving her loved ones, then she should've taken some time to consider the offer instead of leaving everyone in just a day.

To be honest, I was quite happy at the beginning that finally, I was reading character who is just perfect (in the sense of interesting and upbeat characteristics). But as the story proceeded, I lost my interest because of her.

I would like to see her curious, angry, depressed, happy, insecure, lonely, awkward and even weird. Because, when you shift to a new world, specially when it is a freaking sea, then well, you do go through these phases. I am not saying you did not explain these things. Yes, you did and at certain places, you explained pretty well but you missed these things at most if the moments. Like I was so bothered how she just fitted in. Like, she didn't even have to try. Yes, Trisa, Elena and Nina were very welcoming but still. You need to try pretty hard to fit in especially if it is the community of five hundred plus members. Instead of showing her trying to fit in by trying hard to go through the obstacles in minimal time, show us how much she feels insecure because she is new and she has no idea what is to happen. Show us how she is depressed/stressed that she has left her whole family behind for the sake to know the truth which she is not even sure if she'll have even after three weeks. Show us despite having her mentors who are incredibly nice and sweet, she misses Will and even the bantering of her and Emily and that she is lonely. Show us how awkward it is for her to live underwater. How strange it feels that she has to swim instead of walking. How her hair and her dress is always flowing. How light the water feels that seems to be slipping through her soul. How, weariness takes over her because she has to swim and use her night vision.

Keep in mind how I have used show instead of telling. Because you know the difference, you just don't know what to use when.

Also, I know most Teen Fiction writers don't give a damn about this, but I would still like to point out about the information you provided us of her with her mother. Parents, are really important characters and they are mostly ignored because most writers consider them hurdles but for me, I think we need to start enhancing the most beautiful thing in the world; bond between child and parent. I don't know about Via's mother at all. Whether she was strict with her or she was understandable and sweet and how much does Via miss her? I want to know these things because I think these are important and we should stop extracting parents from our stories.

Because remember: people will only read your story if they feel connected.

And in these worlds which are mostly fictional, readers don't usually feel the connection until they have something to be connected with. And how can you connect them? By discussing—highlighting things that we all have. And what do we have? Family. Friends. Lovers. Problems.

Via is not bad. No, she is good. She is a little boring considering how fantastic the plot is. She needs to be modified like the plot and believe me, your story will be touching skies. Your story would just become perfect.

Side characters:

So you have plenty side characters but they are not numerous to not be able to be handled. But they were not easy either considering the rhyming names of Trista, Nina and Elena. For a moment, I thought they were sisters or something. It is not a bad thing. Just wanted to point out.

The fact that I considered them sisters because they don't have anything with which they can stand out. They are just Trista and Elena. The only moment when I was able to set Trista part from Elena was when she told Via she is not really interested or curious about finding the truth about her origin. She just wanted to make friends. So that was a good trait to help me set her apart but that trait arrived quite late in the story. Now, I am not asking you to reveal this information to us before time. I am asking you to show us the signs. Like, whenever Via would talk to Trista to know the truth, she would just brush it off or shrug carelessly or she would just tell her not to really worry. You know, the rule of showing instead of telling.

Then comes Madelyn.

Can I just say:

I

Freaking

Love

Her!

I needed to add drama. Couldn't really help. Sorry.

So, yeah, I love her. Now why you ask? Because she is AWESOME!

Not enough?

Alright.

Here we go,

I love her because she is curious and she feels betrayed and fucked up because she left her family to know the God damn truth which turned out to be just Shawna's hypothesis. I know Shawna is pretty wise and strong and a leader and whatever, but she still didn't really fulfill the promise: to tell the truth. She just presented before them some made up shit because of which they left their families. Like COME ON, MAN!

If I would be at Madelyn or Via's place, I would just be like Madelyn because she feels really related to me. Even I would suggest you to show Via to be impulsive too because that is how human brain works. Because we all are the epitomes of give and take. If via gave them her presence then she should be angry about not getting the other part of her deal; just like Madeline.

Also, I don't think she is the evil girl or what the other memebers have been addressing her like. To me, she feels alright. Yeah, a little impulsive but not anything else. I think she didn't turn out how you wanted her to be but she's cool.

Next is Frank about whom we know just a little. He is a thief who works with the trio. He has an immense crush on Shawna who doesn't give a damn about him. I would suggest you to work on this thing too. The way you described his crush on Shawna seemed as if he'd die if he won't get Shawna but the moment he lays his eyes on Via, suddenly, he wants her. I get that he is a flirty type or somewhere near it but he does not really seem like one. If he would be a flirt then he would like every pretty girl not just Shawna or Via. I can foresee some romance/friendship coming in between Frank and Via that is the reason I want you to work on his nature a little more. If you won't figure him now, then when Via and Frank's friendship would bloom, it will be hard for you to write.

The other characters are too side to be talked which is good. I'm glad you didn't bomber us with so many characters but the ones you did, you need to work on them.

Grammar:

Ah, your grammar is so good and that was just a relief. I myself am not so good in grammar. Like, I am currently struggling with commas between dialogues but you are pretty good in it. So, great job it that section.

Writing style:

Your writing style is pretty much simple and that's a good thing. It is not too wordy and not less-descriptive.

But I would like to point out that you d0n't really know about the "show not tell" technique or as I mentioned above, you know it but you don't know what to use when and it minuses the feel of your story.

Like, I didn't feel Via was underwater at all. She was in a cave which had beds that were attached to the walls and the cave had an exercise arena, a meeting room and a room full of food (I don't know the name). Alright, yeah, you told us this. So what? Don't expect us to feel the underwater by just these descriptions. We will feel her new world by the the rough texture she felt under her feet when she woke up in the morning and placed her feet on the ground. We would feel by the bubbles that would leave her mouth every time she'd speak or yell. By how even the heaviest things seemed so light to carry. By her hair flowing leisurely in the water. By the fishes she would see and how every time she would drool over the beauty of the ocean. By how tiring yet exciting it was for her to swim instead of walking. By how she felt it weird to not take a shower because she was so used to it. By how light she herself felt and things like these. This is how you show instead of telling and these are crucial. I have said this many times before and I'll say it again; you can't expect readers to enjoy your new world if you don't let them.

Like, when Harry went to Hogwarts and experienced magic, we experienced it with him. We were with him, in his world, taking in the beauty of magic. That's why so many people love Harry Potter because JK Rowling took us on the voyage. She made us board the same ship to the same destination.

I want you to do the same. Your plot is gripping but it won't be for long is you don't make us feel it. Take us with you, make us experience what Via is experiencing. This is the major key to the success of a story.

Technical problems:

I don't usually mention this heading but in your case, I feel the dire need to.

The thing is, you have told us that Via is a girl who has the ability to see and breathe underwater. I think you have not considered it thoroughly. Because breathing and seeing is some lighter case but living underwater is another. If she can only see and breathe, then she might not be able to live under the water because humans can't live under the water for so long. It can lead to skin problems and diseases. Also, how can she breathe underwater? Does she have gills? If not, then explain how. Though I think it will be better if you give her gills.

The next thing is their system of getting food. Now, I get that they attain their food by stealing but how do they preserve such food? Because that food is for land and keeping it underwater, specially openly, would make it useless. Think about it, if you dip a cookie underwater and take it out, would you eat the sneaked cookie? And if you keep it underwater for only six hours or so, and take it out, would it remain just how it was before? Would it be eatable?

And then come their community which is five hundred plus. They are so many yet how come no one saw them? They can be good at hiding but like Frank, there must be someone who would screw things up. So, how come they are not discovered yet? Or were they ever close to being discovered? Because almost everyday, science have been reaching to the farther corners of the world to know better, to understand better so how come, they have never been caught?

I am not saying it is necessary to get caught. I am saying that when Via was told to memorise the rules, she should've been told to be careful and it would've been better if Via was told about the history of how Shawna managed to make this huge community.

Also, about the age. Are there no chirldren? And if not, then why?

I would like you to consider these questions and points. They will fill in the blank space in your plot that might be bugging some people.

Quality:

Your novel is presented in a good way. The beginnings of your chapters are interesting but the ending? Er ... not so good. Because most of the ending usually consist of Via falling asleep or falling unconscious.

I really hate being nit-picky but it bugged me while I was reading it.

Overall review:

Your story has great potential and your plot is really gripping and notable. The review I wrote all the way up does not mean your story is bad. I just wanted to let you know about the weaknesses in it. I, in no way, meant to disappoint you in your writing. Just keep on writing while keeping these points in your mind.

Thank you for writing it.

_________

Huz