Title: Feral
By: @dreamshy
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: 3.2/5

REVIEW:

Cover:

Your cover is not really relatable. I don't really get it. I mean the aura factor partially implies to the cover but the picture just seems to be used as a sake of a wallpaper, not really for a book. It does not mislead the readers but does not leads them either. I would suggest you to change it and the font on the cover could be changed to something dramatic and powerful since it is a city we are talking about.

Description:

The description is too wordy for me. Even the first paragraph does not really makes sense to me. It feels like you just switched between first to third person and the scene that you meant to write feels all muddled, hence making no sense. I would suggest you to either eradicate it or just edit it better. Also, use double or single quotations to let the readers know it is a scene.

The next thing, is the POV you chose to give a glimpse of your story. I would rather ask you to switch it to Vivian rather than Nox, or use both.

In this way, the readers would know that this story is not written is just one POV and tell a little about Feral from Vivian's POV since she is the one who lived in it.

I would not really talk about the description much because the cover and the description are the things that keep on changing but if you are planning to keep these things consistent then I would suggest you to reconsider.

Plot:

Alright. We have a lot to talk about. But first ...

Let's start with Nox's world. So he is a son of a commander and some freak named Kairos wants to take over the kingdom.

Yes, I got it. But what about after? And before?

Who is Kairos? Why was there so much war going on? Is Kairos a foe of the king? Or was he a friend of Nox? What really is happening?

I get that your main concern was to arise the tension in the story from the first chapter but honestly, it made me lose my interest for I didn't really get what was happening. Everything was too rushy. I didn't know who was doing what. Your first chapter lacked description and since you switched the POV in the next chapter, it became further harder to continue with so many unanswered questions running in my mind. I'd suggest you to explain few things in the first chapter even if you prefer not dumping the whole information.
Like:
🕸 Elaborating Nox's relation with Minah and hers with the country or the kingdom.

🕸Explaining what is the cause of the battle.

🕸Explaining Kairos intentions or a few of his past activities that triggered a war.

🕸Why would Kairo want the son of the Commander dead?

These are few of the point that need to be in the first chapter because the first chapter, Nox of Ael lacks so much description that it feels as if I am reading a sequel. Readers need to be related and relations develop form descriptions.

I would also like to talk about your "prologue" and then jumping on straight to Nox's POV. It was another cause of big ass confusion that I would like you to clear up. Either remove the prologue or make the next chapter Vivian's POV. Because the last line of the Prologue depicts that the upcoming chapter(s) would be of Vivian's POV:

🔳▫️🔳

Behind my pouting bruised lips, I fantasised and replayed the events that caused my injury.

🔳▫️🔳

Well, it clearly depicts that it is the after result of whatever happened and now, we're gonna be learning of what exactly happened. So yeah, work on it a bit more.

Now, let's come to our beloved Feral.

We all come to know that this is a city that is cursed. But until eleven chapters, we remain ignorant of what is the damn curse and what does it do and let me tell you, it takes A LOT OF FREAKING WILL POWER to read further. If you introduce the city, you tell us why it is what is it and how and what happened that made it like this.

You have created a world so it gotta have some restrictions that make it such a hell apart from people at the age of twenty-three dying. Which brings me to another question; if everyone dies at twenty three, why is her parents still arrive?

And please, explain us the curse because any reader would wait until eleven chapters to know about the most crucial thing only if your chapters are super short. Keyword: super. Because honestly, at the end of the eleven chapter, I was ready to gnaw my eyes out because of desperation. Even if Vivian had to keep it a secret, it should not be a secret to us because these are the kind of things that help readers continue.

We need to know how do one catch the curse? Or is it an illness or a curse? Because the way it is explained, it feels as if it is an illness which is named as a curse. You gotta explain how it happened? How was the world outside before this "curse" and what were the preventions of the world? How the governments worked on it? Or is it a democratic city or not? Why can't one go out and come in Feral? You gotta EXPLAIN these or the readers would slowly seep out of your story and lose their minds. Like I did.

I also want you to explain about the virginity thing. Like why do Vivian is so determined to lose her virginity?

And apart from the curse and virginity, explain the people of Feral. How are they? Even if there are mostly creepers living there, how did they cope with the curse before? Did they take it lightly until deaths followed after one another? Because that is quite natural. If anything like this takes place in a city or a country, people usually tend to not really care about it until deaths occur at an unstoppable rate. If you need further help, The Maze Runner by James Dashner is a good example and or you can use the Wattpad book "Ten" by @_yoshi_. She explained pretty well. You can read only it's one chapter but hopefully, it will be helpful.

Character Development:

Characterssssssss *hisses*

I love talking about them.

So, let's start with our lovely Vivian.

Let me break your heart right now and tell you I don't like her. Not even a bit. And I know there are many MC's that readers do not like but for those MC, the readers have something to root for and in Vivian's case, I don't find anything.

I'm truly sorry but it's true. But I have my reasons. I am not just going to leave you here.

1. Personality problem:

She does not have a personality. Apart from her language, she has nothing in her. She is a character hard to decipher. And with this confusing personality, come questions. Is she a strong and willing character who would do anything to save others? Or is she a ruthless girl who doesn't give a single damn to the world? If she is, then why did she save Nox? Because at the beginning of the chapters, she seems as if she does not give a single damn but when she found Nox, she didn't seem like the that kick-ass heroine. Rather, she seemed as if she is that little girl who lost her way back home. You, yourself first need to develop what do you want her to be because at few scenes, she seems really nice but at some points, she seems as if she would punch anyone, at anytime at any reason. Which brings me to another reason of disliking her;

2. Emotions:

This is an enormous issue which you need to cover properly. Why is she so much angry since Nox's arrival? I get that she has a stranger in her house and the world is collapsing right before her eyes as she finds her friends dead every now and then and she is coming of the age when the "curse" would eat her alive and she hopes for one more day every night BUT still, why is she suddenly bothered by Nox's presence? What is the reason? Her dad just wants her to be protected and live longer so WHY? I am sorry but I am really bothered by it. I don't know if I can represent my frustration enough but I really want you to explain this especially when Nox seems sweet and cute.

The main scene at which I was so done was when she punched Nox and honestly, to me, it did not seem a reason enough for a punch.

3. Aims and goals:

Alright, so this is the thing that matters most to readers and it should be highlighted and the goal she has as far as now is losing her virginity. Like, ahem, but WHAT?!

Yeah, I get it that she wants to give a piece of herself to her parents (who are still alive and I don't get why), but it seems to me a pretty bad aim or goal. If you want this goal to be considered important, then I think you should make this a goal for ALL the teens. And all the teen do not just mean Damien and Karen. It means all the twenty teens that are left.

4. Age:

I must've mentioned it earlier but I think this topic needs its own heading.

In the story, she is explained twenty two and at twenty three, she must die, right? And she lives in Feral where she encounters a creeper every once in a while and where her father takes her to haunting and makes her grow strong but she still does not act mature. Forgive me for the repetition, but how she freaked out at Nox's body, I had to reread the lines where it was explained she is twenty two but she DOES NOT act like one. You know what? Forget the age. Her experiences should make her maturer and she should be able to handle the situation rightfully and not just freak out and call her dad right away no matter how close she is to her father. If you want her to be strong, then make sure you develop these points well.

Now, it's time for our sweet Nox.

I like him. He is a smart person who knows how to react and control his emotions. Considering the fact that he is a son of a Commander, he work well. But I must say, he is well developed. And when the situation was explained from his POV, he felt truly mature. His further reactions and actions were precisely to his thoughts and his situation explained.

But like I mentioned before, the first chapter still left a lot of questions unanswered even after his POV. I am sure you will explain them as the plot proceeds but with Nox, I am truly satisfied.

Next in line is Vivian's family.

Her dad is alright. He might need some more improvement in some of his actions but overall, his personality is quite common and makes sense with his actions.

But her mom, well, she needs some good work. I don't get her. Not at all. Vivian has explained her as soft and even when Nox met her the first time, he said she seems kind-hearted but honestly, she seems rather opposite to me. I might be nit-picky but when she gave a death glare to Vivian's dad and asked the strict questions while he explained Nox's situation to him, and shouted at Vivian at how she did not wash the dishes, well, these acts did not play fair to the description she was rewarded with.

And then comes her grandma. There was only a chapter of her and then she disappeared completely which leads to a question, where does she live? But I liked the grandma too. Even though she smoked weed and talked harsh truths, I liked her. Probably because she was pretty well-developed. (I am weird, I know.)

Aaaaaaand, Derek. I don't really know if he is as important as Nox but I would like you to develop him as well. To be honest, his intersection with Vivian when she asked him for taking her virginity(?)(I am sorry, I didn't really get that part), was quite awkward. From Vivian's perspective, Derek did not seem interested in her. So, his casual touches and soft tone kind of made me cringe. I can understand you wanted a little bit of romance in the story but that romance was a little too early or might I say; inappropriate (considering the situation.)

If you want to have a love triangle, I would suggest you to give us some more Vivian-Derek. It doesn't necessarily have to be too sexual but a long conversation about their past life, or how things would be better if they wouldn't be born in Feral or how they remember each other's old habits ... you know, cute stuff—would be so much better and honestly, it would be relaxing since your story has a lot of drama in it. I think if you are adding specks of mystery\thriller in your writing, then make sure to give readers some rest from that emotional rollercoaster too.

I learnt it when I was editing my very first book and saying I cringed at every chapter would be an understatement because at every line, I was like:

Grammar:

Your grammar is considerable but not really good. There are few problems in your punctuations and switching between tenses. The first and third person pronouns could also use some work. The rest is I think just your typos. You should reread and edit your chapters before you publish them. It will polish your chapters and give them a neater look.

I think dialogues are your biggest weakness. Your dialogues do not have such feel to it. It does not gives us natural conversations.

I would suggest you to use rather less description between dialogues especially if it is a conversation between two characters.

This is from your chapter 9. Creepers Among Us:

🔳▫️🔳

"Save it, stay the fuck away from me" I hissed with finality. I didn't have time to lose. I needed to reach the drug house before noon. I turned my back to him and passed the rails to the small hill towards the old auto lot.
"Excuse me?" he breathed. His boots crunched the gravel behind me as I continued to look forward. Time was a very precious time today. I was a woman with a mission. If I didn't lose this boy soon, he would waste my time even more than he already has.
"How about I say it like this since it seems that dye has friend your brain." I stopped momentarily and dramatically turned his way. I moved my face toward him. A soft scent of soap surrounded him as I neared, but my mind focused on his creased eyebrows. The poor boy was confused, how cute.

🔳▫️🔳

So, here, we got a lot to talk about. First, this does not sound a conversation at all. Rather it poses that it is just description of their appearance. You can write it as like this:

"Save it, stay the fuck away from me.' I hissed as I turned around. I didn't have time to lose. I needed to reach the drug house before noon.

"Excuse me?"

I stopped and dramatically, turned around. "You know what? I think that blue dye has fried your brain.'

His eyebrows creased and a smirk grew on my face. This boy was confused. How cute.

See? Easy and simple. I know you like describing things way too much and add a poetic touch to it but sometimes, the description becomes too wordy. Like the conversation above, I think the rest of the details like "I passed the rails to the small hill towards the old auto lot", "dramatically tuned his way", "scent of soap" and stuff like this, could be explained either before or after the conversation. These things disturb the flow and make readers irritated. And I also changed the dialogue of Vivian a bit because I didn't get what you wanted to write.

Next, I want to discuss your paragraphs space. It is better if you give each character their own paragraph. In this way, people would know who is talking even if you don't use the tag.

Like I have explained in my previous reviews, I would suggest you to use the same technique while separating paragraphs. Tip Top.

Time
Place
Topic
Person

Third, we need to talk about tags. It is better if you use the dialogue tag "said" more often. Even though we all like fancy writing, most people don't prefer fancy dialogue tags. They disrupt the flow and fail to convey the actual meaning.

Quality:

The quality depends mostly upon grammar and paragraphs spacing so I think if you correct that, the quality would be good.

Writing Style:

Your writing is poetic and descriptive and I actually liked it. The main thing that was a big hurdle in my flow was dialogues. I think if you work on that, your book would come out pretty good. One more thing I would like to say is that the way you explain places is pretty good. Because most writers can't really explain the places and they come out as boring.

Overall, I'd say your plot is good and if you work on few of the things I mentioned above, your book would be so much better. It's not really bad how I wrote it. If you work on your flaws, I will surely recommend your book to anyone who loves magic and mystery. Though it is not finished, I am sure the plot described in the description would get more exciting.

Do not lose hope. Just keep on writing. You will improve gradually.

__________

huz