Title: The Kingdom of the Damned
By: vanbrink
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: 3.9/5

REVIEW:

Cover:

Your cover is pretty interesting and it suits the story. Also, it gives off a professional look so well done on that.

Description:

It is intriguing. A girl who wakes up having no memory of who she is when she is a princess,

Character development:

Your characters need some work. Specially Asher.

Because he is a really confusing character. At some point, it is shown that he is really loyal to his work and his job but then, it is shown that he began planning how to help Eliza run away from the castle the minute she asked. I get that he likes her and would never want her to be married to a person she does not like but loyalty comes with a price. Either he is loyal to Eliza or the King. He can't be loyal to both of them. It just does not fit right.

Next is Eliza who has a pretty common personality; sarcastic and impatient. I don't think she can use some other work because it is pretty obvious.

But Brooks, he can use some work. One minute, he seems a stranger that Eliza never knew and the other minute, he is stroking her cheeks. Like, just WAIT. At a point, he is a calm sea and then at the other, he is bursting flames. It does not help set Brooks apart from Asher. To me, both are same-undistinguishable.

Give them certain features except for eyes. They should not be used to set characters apart. They are necessary features but your characters should have more than just eyes.

Like, (for example), you can give someone a limp or a scar on their face or any other place visible to other. These things would tell their own stories and your characters would seem complete. Or you can give a stutter to a character when they get embarrassed or the tip of their ears redden, or you can give them their very own awkward aura, or how they can't keep eye contact, or shift from one foot to another usually or bite their nails or so much more. Theses characteristics can help your characters be apart. You don't always need eyes and there are so many situations where telling any arrival of a character by their eyes seems off line.

Also, when writing by different POV's, make sure each character has their own criteria of thinking. Now everyone thinks like, "I don't care", "Damn!" and "Shit!". Some people are really deep thinkers, they like to think about each and every word, what can it mean and what can it lead to. Similarly, some are fore-sighters. They like to plan future beforehand while some just want to live in the moment. They don't care about future. These things could help the readers knowing about who's POV they are reading without even needing to read the heading.

Last but not least, her parents. The King and the Queen. They need a lot of work. I know they are side characters but they are her parents so they are important. Develop them and add them in her life. Don't just make them disappear and bring them back whenever it feels necessary. They found her after five years so there's got to be some kind of conversation. Even if they don't really like her, (which I don't get why), have them talk to her about her life in recent five years.

One thing I'd like you to make clarify in chapters, is their relationship with her. Do they love her? Or they don't care for her? If not then why?

Plot:

Your plot is interesting. A girl found in the forest while having no idea who she is, finding a strange note and later, coming to know she is a princess. This is a really good aspect but I would say your story is really rushed. Everything is happening in a really fast pace. She is adjusting and remembering and finding and kissing and learning and going around at the same day. It all is so much for us to take in.

I'd suggest you to slow down. First, tell us how did she live in a castle. How her parents treated her, how the walls of the castle seemed familiar to her because well, it is her home so we want to know if seeing her portrait with her parents brings back any memories.

Then, tell us how despite the fact she does not remember him, she is attracted to Asher. Let her feelings regrow. Let each touch be scarce but electrifying and let it bring some memories back.

Memories do not just rush in. They take time, moments, conversations, touch and even essence.

If she was attracted to Asher before, then whenever Asher touches her, even briefly, let her reminisce about the touch of same intensity five years ago, or it could remind her of Brooks' touch.

Even Lord Dimitris touch should not bring everything back. Such thing would only happen if she is given a potion to reverse the curse or something like this.

Grammar:

You just need to work on your periods (.), commas(,) and dashes (-) in dialogues.

Let's start with period and a simple and basic definition.

"A period is used when a sentence ends."

So, same goes in dialogue. If the character has said his dialogue, or if the sentence ends, then there should be a period.

Example: "This is wrong." He said, frustratingly running his hand through his hair. "It should'n've happened!"

Example 2: "This is the dress that you should wear. It would look good." She handed me the dress.

See, our sentences ended so we used period there.

Now, for commas,

"A punctuation mark (,) indicating a pause between parts of a sentence or separating items in a list."

"Indicating a pause", keeping that in mind, we would write our dialogues. Let's learn from the examples below.

Example 1: "This is a twisted world," the chains of her necklace tinkled softly as she shifted in her chair, "don't expect anything from it."

Example 2: "I hate you," his breath fanged on the tip of my ear, "I hate your smile, your laughs, your jokes, your whole fucking personality!" I flinched as his fist made contact with the wall beside me, "But the more I hate you, the more I fall in love with you."

Example 2: She wiped the tears from her cheek, "Okay! But stop destroying my walls. I just painted them a day ago."

I think this will help you but if you still are confused, then you can use this image I found on Pinterest:

And I would suggest you to use dashes.

Example1: Aleena, with her sister Alice-whom she never understood despite living with her for years-walked down the stairs.

I also want to talk about writing dialogues using italics. It could be your style but since it is not common, it confused me. I though the dialogues were from her memory or something at first.

And you don't really have to write the thoughts of the character with italics and quotation marks. It seems a dialogue. Using the italics alone is find.

Quality:

Except for the italics, your chapters are fine. You have cliffhangers here and there so that is good.

Overall, your story is interesting. I didn't get bored and I enjoyed my time. Just few I improvements would be good for you.

Thank you for writing it!

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huz