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Book Title: Falling Apart

Book Genre: Short Story (YA, hints of paranormal)

Date of Critique: February 25, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: Prologue

Approximate Chapter Length: 1300

Content Flags: Suicide (seriously, if this is a difficult topic for you, you might want to stay clear)

Summary (copied from book description)

It started with a death. Her own, to be exact. Kaya Williams has been pushed too far, tormented and damaged beyond relief.

But death isn't what Kaya expects it to be. Instead of waking up in some kind of afterlife, she wakes up in someone else's body. The body of someone who pushed her to suicide, to be exact. The hurt girl is forced to live her last day as each of them, seeing the day through their perspective.

Seven people, seven stories, and seven times Kaya wishes she could change her fate.

Chapter Summary

The prologue details Kaya's suicide, from writing the note to completing the act, and flashes back to the memory of the day her downward spiral started. It muses a bit on the nature of depression and death, and it leaves off asking the reader what could have happened to push Kaya over the edge to suicide.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 9.5

I only noticed one error with grammar:

Looks like my father would have to reclean the area around the tree once again. (This is a present tense story, so would should be will. Reclean also seems off here; it is technically in the dictionary, but it's not in common use.)

While it is arguably more stylistic than structural, I'm including an instance of redundancy as well:

Without thinking, I walk over to the window and close my bright purple curtains shut, leaving myself within the dark room, alone.

Overall a very clean draft, mechanically speaking.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 7.5

The writing could use some revision for clarity, to tighten up the prose and in some places freshen it up with some more unique word choices. One example:

Through the very slight part of the window that I left open simply for the fresh air it provides, a single changing leaf falls through.

The language of the sentence could be cleaned up, and a description of the leaf would be a good chance to add a unique flair to the prose. One possible revision:

Through the narrow window opening that I left for fresh air, a single leaf drifts in, a burst of red-gold against the muted colors in my room.

One more example:

My soft brown curls almost get tangled within the piece of "machinery", and I seem to feel the baby blue color in my eyes slowly decaying.

This reads awkwardly between the quotes around machinery and the use of almost and seem to, not to mention the odd fact that she's thinking about her eye color. (I know it's hard to drop in details about character appearance, particularly in first person, but this is heavy-handed.) Possible revision:

My soft brown curls tangle around the barrel. I'm already gone. I can feel myself decaying. This is just a formality.

Finally, I'm not sure why the story is written largely in italics but shifts to regular text at the end. I'd recommend leaving the whole story in regular text.

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 7.5

Having not suffered with depression myself, this one is hard for me to judge. From what I've learned, deep depression often shows up as apathy and disconnectedness. I understand that Kaya is getting ready to say goodbye to the world, so perhaps she'd feel a bit more than usual. However, she seems a little too connected in this for me to believe she'd go through with it. A lot of happy memories jump to her mind as she dies, even recent ones. She's very focused on the beauty she's leaving behind. She also mentions that she cherishes her books deeply, not a sentiment I'd expect from someone on her way out. Some of this could be remedied by referring to connections she once had—books that were once a comfort, things she once found beautiful.

Something also feels off about her final thoughts about her family. She sends them love and seems peaceful. Again, I have no personal experience with depression or suicide, but I would expect some other sentiment there. I've read that depression can warp your thoughts in such a way that you actually believe your loved ones will be better off without you, and something like that might add to this. A hint of guilt might be okay too, but overwhelmed by the need to not be here anymore.

She has a very detached view about her obsession over her personal appearance, and I'm on the fence about this. On the one hand, at this point she's dead (or dying?), so perhaps this is warranted. On the other, someone whose depression stems in large part from dissatisfaction in her appearance and being bullied over it probably wouldn't view it the way it's described here. Obsessions don't often look like obsessions from the inside.

Finally, the transition at the end of Kaya's memory about the first time Kathy bullied her is a bit abrupt. Kathy goes from friendly to indifferent in 0.3 seconds flat, greeting Kaya at the door with what's perceived to be a genuine smile but then responding to Kaya's compliment on the house with "Whatever, Fatty. Just grab us some beer okay, people like you don't talk to people like us. You're our servant tonight."

And Kaya immediately breaks down crying. No moment of being stunned, no disbelief. No trying to hold herself together and failing. Just instant break down. It doesn't feel quite right.

That said, in Kaya's memories about her happier times, we do get some glimpses at real relationships with other people, which adds a great deal of character. Her thoughts about how her father will have to clean up the leaves again also do a great deal to characterize her.

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 9

The author does a good job of layering in details about the setting throughout the narrative. In a relatively short amount of time we learn a great deal about Kaya's surroundings, but none of it is exposition-dumped. We learn that it is autumn, that kids are playing in the leaves, that she has purple curtains, dark blue walls, a white desk. Even that her father rakes the leaves, which helps add structure to what sort of family life she might have.

I have two recommendations to improve this further.

First, Kaya mentions that her handwriting is neater than 'many sites' predict a depressed person would have, then says that those sites never work. I'd like to share that, in researching this, I learned something new: depression is indeed linked to more careless handwriting. It's great when a story opens you to new knowledge, and I'm glad the detail was included. However, I could use a bit more about 'those sites.' The narrative hints that Kaya has been doing some research on depression, perhaps suicidal ideation as well, and that it hasn't helped. But it's such a subtle hint that I'd like to see it expanded on a tiny bit. Only a little! A simple clarification about what sites she means would be enough. As it stands, they could very well be handwriting sites based on what Kaya has shared.

Secondly, Kaya takes far too long to die. She even gets out some last words after shooting herself in the head. It's possible to live a while after a head shot—even to survive a head shot—but that's not when you're shooting yourself in the head with the express purpose of killing yourself.

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 8

This isn't my usual fare, but for what it is the hook seems reasonably strong. It's a mystery. What drove Kaya to the point of suicide? It does a pretty good job of opening that door, with the added mystery of the hint at her death not (quite) being the end.

The ending of the prologue, however, does need some tweaking. It shifts from present tense to past tense, which I wouldn't recommend in this situation. If you're going into a flashback from the present, sure. In this case, we appear to be moving from the past to the present, though, so the inversion of tenses is weird.

It also hints at skipping back to memories of the day of the suicide, the breaking point, before getting into what happens next. More has not been written as of the date of this critique, so I can't be sure. However, I would recommend moving forward from here, and flashing back to Kaya's memories at a later point. That way it doesn't put off the main affair of the story and we get to jump right into the unexpected afterlife Kaya finds after her death.

Synthesis

This could turn out to be a completely fantastic, moving story about the consequences of bullying and suicide. It makes me think of Lauren Oliver's Before I Fall, to some extent, and I adored that book even though it's not my typical fare. As it stands, it does need a little tightening up, but all the potential is there. The author shows a strength for building up the setting and sneaking little details into the narrative. Her characterization and style need a little work, but there's a strong foundation from which to grow. Falling Apart is a story to keep an eye on!