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Book Title: Fallen Afflictions

Book Genre: Teen Fiction

Date of Critique: March 5, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: 0 & 1

Approximate Chapter Length: 1100 & 3200

Content Flags: Possible rape trigger

Summary (copied from book description)

Upon the winter solstice, Sahara Rose encounters an unexplainable occurrence-the descending of thousands of stars-collectively gathering and materializing into several star-shaped stones. Although she is an avid stargazer, this irregularity is unexpected and undesired.

However, with every wish she passes onto these mystical stones, the more connected she is to the outside world and the broken family she is a part of. Even though the stones are the answer to an ancient request, she is constantly struggling with the mysterious coincidences and the seemingly magical outcomes.

Chapter Summary

In the first chapter (a prologue?), we meet Sahara Rose, who is stargazing when the stars seem to fall around her, leaving behind stones that bid her to make a wish. She wishes for someone to share this experience with, and later dreams about a young man who seems oddly familiar. They promise not to forget one another.

In the next chapter, Sahara arrives for her first day at a prestigious private school with her step-brother Leon, who is worried she will detract from his popularity. Sahara just wants to be left alone, but she quickly becomes noticed in classes for her academic drive. At lunch, Leon and his friends harass her and dump ice water on her, but a stranger who looks like the boy from her dream comes to her aid. Sahara runs off and hides in a supply closet, only to find she's unwittingly stumbled in on a make-out session (or perhaps more) between a male and female student. The girl runs off, but the boy grabs Sahara and pulls her underneath him. She distracts him by saying he's keeping her from her goal of photographing the moon, which is visible outside in the daytime. Intrigued by her claim, the boy follows her outside to see the moon.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 9

The mechanics of this piece are definitely on the stronger side. There are very few grammatical errors or typos. For the most part, the author's grasp on punctuation seems to be good. There were a couple of sentences structured oddly with commas, but it was rare.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 6

The author's writing style is very distant and it feels off. It reminds me of roleplaying back in the day and running across wolf RPers who liked to raid the thesaurus for every possible variation of words. There is an excess of words, and the vocabulary seems to be over-extended. In some places the vocabulary is incorrectly used. In others, the sentence is just slightly off because of the articles used with the vocabulary. Examples:

Presently, she was a mere ghost of the past. Lingering onto meaningless ideals, she dreamed of a future where everything was fixed: her broken family, her solemn apathy, and her forgotten promise. Misconceptions of the youth weren't an offense anymore, they were welcomed, as they warned intruders of impending dangers. It was the most powerful defense in her artillery. Although she wasn't subject to mental disorders or emotional breakdowns, life was simply a way out of boredom. (Chapter 0)

'Presently' in this paragraph is used the way 'at present' or 'currently' would be, though in common usage 'presently' is closer to 'in short order,' at least when structured this way. 'Lingering onto' is incorrect usage, and the use of 'ideals' here feels weird. The phrase 'Misconceptions of youth' is vague; does it mean people mistaking her for being young, or attributing qualities to her stereotypically attributed to the young, or is it something broader? Is she speaking for her whole generation or just herself? And the last sentence doesn't make sense. The two clauses seem unrelated even though the sentence structure links them together.

The very next section begins with this:

Without prior indication, she had dozed off, underneath the magnificent arrays of starlight. (Chapter 0)

This is a very strange way to use the phrase 'without prior indication.' It's an incomplete thought. Does she mean her body gave her no prior indication she was tired? Does she mean she gave some unknown observer no prior indication she would doze off?

As she ascended the stairway to the bland room, a high-pitched sound violated her ears, but she forcibly ignored it. (Chapter 0)

This sentence is busy with adjectives and adverbs and colorful word choices that don't mesh well together.

Sometimes the clarity of the writing is impacted by the author's style. One example in particular:

"Let's make a pinky promise," he said, soothingly.

Blurting out, she asked, "For what?"

He chuckled, and then effortlessly grinned with an angelic expression. Softly, he answered, "Our dream. Once we're older, we'll most likely forget, but the promise will forever remain written in the stars."

Unexpectedly, she made the promise, and she said, "Forget? Never..." (Chapter 0)

What the promise is, exactly, is never revealed. But it's not clear whether this is intentional or a quirk of the writing.

More misused vocabulary:

In his hand, he carried his newly purchased smartphone, swiping away and double-tapping Instagram photos of precarious young women attending the facility where she was being transferred: Ridgewood Academy. (Chapter 1)

The concept of 'precarious young women' is mind-boggling. I think perhaps the author means 'promiscuous.'

He loosened the tie around his neck, and he said, "As the class president, it's my job to welcome the new students. Just so you're aware, as long as you don't cause any problems in the classroom, there'll be no reason for my intervention."

He sounds exactly like Leon, she thought, preemptively. I guess that's why everyone gathers around him. (Chapter 1)

The use of 'preemptively' makes no sense here. What is she preempting? Another instance of misused vocabulary, I believe.

Additionally, the distant voice of the writing doesn't allow for focus on scenes that should be more intense or emotionally involved, which impacts pace and characterization.

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 7

Fallen Afflictions did make it clear through words and action that Sahara doesn't want to be noticed or bothered, and there's some clear prep snob behavior from her step-brother and some other characters. But it's also difficult to identify much with any of the characters because they're kept at such a narrative distance. The focus of the writing is not chosen effectively. There are some bits that don't ring realistically from characters at all.

"You're not nervous, are you?" Aunt Estelle asked, recklessly curving around slower vehicles. "If you are, I can always comfort you."

Leon clicked his tongue, and he said, "She's not a baby anymore, but she is an anti-social, unemployed, worthless girl that needs to return back to earth." (Chapter 1)

Handled differently, the aunt's words could show her to be a quirky character with either a fun sarcastic streak or an endearing uncertainty about what to do in these sorts of situations. Nothing like that comes through here. It just seems odd that the aunt would say such a thing. Particularly since she doesn't say anything about the vitriol Leon spews out in the next paragraph.

Managing the pathway, she was practically invisible. She was wearing the same uniform as everyone else, and the academy was occupied enough to not cause a disturbance in the regular student's system of popularity and outcasts. Hopefully, they'll label me as an outsider and avoid me. It was a strange feeling to whole-heartedly want to not be noticed. (Chapter 1)

So far Sahara has made it clear that she doesn't want to be noticed, so why should it feel strange? It might be out of the ordinary compared to some kids, but for her it's her norm.

But instead of maintaining the status of anonymity, the class president was coincidentally in the same class. Her eyes lingered on the figure of a lean but muscular male, who was towering over her desk. He had a plastic smile, which she instinctively replaced with a scowl, since she was more accustomed to that reaction.

"Is something wrong, Mr. Class President?" she asked, politely. (Chapter 1)

It's Sahara's first day, and we're given no indication before this how she might recognize the student president on sight. In addition, I'm not sure if she's mentally translating that fake smile as a scowl or if 'replaced' is meant to be 'answered' or some such word. I thought for a moment she might be scowling at him. The phrasing coupled with the odd vocabulary so far makes it unclear.

In addition, her interaction with the boy in the supply closet just feels horribly wrong to me. Their initial meeting has a rape vibe, but she distracts him with the thin complain that he's keeping her from moon-gazing. This boy, who was just in the middle of enthusiastically making out (or more) with another girl and who has pinned Sahara down while he's still half-dressed, is suddenly very interested in the fact that the moon is out. He lets Sahara go and follows her outside to see it, calling her an astronomical nerd. I don't buy it for a second.

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 6

We don't get very many setting details, and we're shuttled from setting to setting without any real grounding. There are also some problems with realism.

In the (prologue?) chapter, Sahara mentions her CEO father, being homeschooled, and her parents' divorce. In chapter one Sahara is suddenly being taken to her first day at a prestigious private school with her step-brother, and her aunt is the one driving them there. It's quite a leap to make, and my confusion was not cleared up within the course of these two chapters.

Sahara's math teacher notices that she pays attention in class and immediately wants to jump her to a higher level math, completely ignoring her protest. This isn't realistic on a number of levels, not least that he hasn't even tested her actual ability. Then Sahara goes immediately to US History, where the teacher also shows interest in her:

It was the exact same turn of events, the teacher paid special attention to her actions. Mrs. Eliana was mostly likely spoken to by Mr. Vega, since they worked in similar departments. (Chapter 1)

This is the next class. Not only has Mr. Vega not had time to talk to her US History teacher, but US History and math are not even remotely similar departments within a school.

There's also a decided lack of adult supervision in the cafeteria, where students are able taunt and jeer at Sahara and then pour ice water over her head without an adult ever being mentioned, let alone intervening. She runs from the cafeteria, nary an adult in sight.

Finally on this topic, Sahara stumbles into the supply closet to hide. Once she realizes she's not alone in there, she's suddenly very focused on not making noise because any small sound could reveal her presence there. This struck me as entirely unrealistic; surely she made all sorts of noise on her way into the closet, and the snogging couple didn't notice that. But of course they notice her now.

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 6

I'm very confused by the plot of this story, and the pacing is quite strange.

Sahara makes a wish for someone to share her experiences with the stars with, then dreams about a young man. She sees this young man in the cafeteria, defending her from her bully of a step-brother, but then runs away from him. This leads her to run into a guy in a supply closet who comes within a hair's breadth of sexually assaulting her, only to back down because she's interested in looking at the moon. When they go to look at the moon, there's this exchange:

"This is such a menial wish," he stated. "It's so anti-climactic."

She innocently smiled, and she revealed, "No, it isn't. It was you." (Chapter 1)

Sahara hasn't mentioned a wish to him, so I was thrown off by this. And her answer threw me off even more. I think it's a hail back to her wish upon the fallen stars, and that she's saying this guy is the answer. This guy who assaulted her, not the guy from her dream who defended her in the cafeteria.

I'm not sure what the plot is supposed to be, and what I've read so far doesn't make a lot of sense.

In addition, there are the pacing issues I've mentioned. Scenes that should be the points intense action and focus in each chapter are skimmed over.

Then, out of nowhere, stars trickled unto the earth, out of their stationary positions. She thought it was simply a trick of the eyes, but it wasn't as easy as it appeared.

Leaping and dodging out of the way of oncoming falling stars, she watched as they exploded onto the grassy area. It constantly rained stars until she couldn't move anymore; she laid vulnerably on the ground, panting and resorting to a form of hyperventilation. Why is this happening! she internally screamed. Like the gods of the universe had answered a subconscious prayer, the reign of the stars had ended, leaving only subtle reminders. Even though she swore some of them had scathed her skin, no injuries were visible. (Chapter 0)

That's all we get for the stars falling, something that could be a very captivating experience. Then, later:

"Truly pitiful," a familiar voice whispered. Before she was able to respond, Leon and his goons surrounded the table and took their respective seats. She inaudibly snarled, and she was blasted with immature jeers and personal insults. Leon was aware she wanted a sense of seclusion, and yet he decided to step over his boundaries once again. As the barrage of senseless words continued, she interrupted, "That's enough." Her words seemed to be some sort of cue, and she was doused in freezing water. Her body violently reacted, and she stood there shivering.

"What happened to common curtsey, you dunce?" she muttered, glaring at Leon.

With an arrogant expression, Leon stated, "Newbies aren't supposed to retort. You're as worthless as I thought you were, you menial servant." (Chapter 1)

This is all very underwhelming. We do get a few more paragraphs in the cafeteria—Sahara deciding she's going to pummel her step-brother, only to have the stranger from her dream step in—but none of it has the intensity and emotional impact it deserves.

Spending more narrative on scenes like these and less on her thoughts during classes (and on general introspection) would help improve the pace, I think.

Before I move on to the synthesis, I want to circle back to the relationship between Sahara and the guy who assaulted her. Based on what I read so far, I'm deeply concerned this book might be heading toward romanticizing a relationship that starts with a half-naked guy forcefully pinning a girl down while she tries to get away. Not a good move.

Synthesis

Fallen Afflictions is a story with odd use of language that serves to distance the reader from the narrative. The plot, setting, and some characterization details are still very shaky and need to be tightened up, made more real and impactful. Based on these two chapters, I'm not entirely certain what the plot is meant to be, and I'm actually concerned it might help further negative 'bad boy' stereotypes and encourage unhealthy romantic relationships. The author does appear to have a pretty good grasp on grammar and dialogue conventions. I think this writing calls for some simplification to give the prose some punch and some reevaluation to make sure the plot is well developed and headed in the right direction.