This critique was written for SkarlitDawn, and is dedicated to them. Please click the dedication to go check out their work!

Book Title: Spirited in Mist

Book Genre: Paranormal

Date of Critique: March 9, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: Preface, 1, & 2

Approximate Chapter Length: 1300, 1400, & 1800

Content Flags: Gore (mild), Profanity (in critique too), Sexual Innuendo

Summary (copied from book description)

"Freya Dawn Falkove, you have been found guilty of possessing an abomination of a heritage. You have been sentenced to the following: your mortal body will be killed while your soul is coming with me to be judged by the Almighty."

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

Freya Falkove is an eighteen-year-old whose essence shatters and gets sent to the Ethereal Realms in a dimension known as the Mist, the most terrifying, most creepy place that had ever existed.

While the time bomb ticks away Freya's chances of ever getting back to her body, she has to not only collect the missing shards of her essence but also fight off all the creatures that are just salivating for a taste of her. With the help of her friends will Freya be able to finish collecting her essence shards before her time ran out? Or should she look forward to living in the Ethereal Realms as a Mist who wanders the dimension...forever?

Chapter Summary

The preface introduces Hekate, who is interrupted by an attacker on her way to an undisclosed location. Using her heirloom knives, specially forged for fighting the creatures of this realm, she defeats her attacker, but as he dies he reveals that he was merely a distraction. The Elders have taken Hekate's daughter.

In chapter one we meet Freya, the main character of the tale. She and her three best friends are getting ready for an upscale party thrown by a rich classmate. At the party, they see that their classmate has truly outdone herself. They are about to enter when a voice stops them on the threshold—the asshole who broke Freya's heart.

In chapter two, the host of the party, Yasmeen, has Freya's ex escorted away by security. Freya notes that she's being more friendly than seems to be warranted by their acquaintanceship. Freya and her friends spend a few hours at the party, but when they stop to say their farewells to Yasmeen, she asks them to stay for a final surprise. On stage, she transforms into a golden angelic figure and sentences Freya to death and subsequent judgment by the Almighty.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 9.5

The grammar in this story is some of the most sound I've encountered on Wattpad, and there are very few typos. Some of the sentences are constructed a bit awkwardly, but often this is more a stylistic issue than a grammatical one.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 8.5

This is a solid writing style, mostly easy to read with clever descriptions worked into the narrative. Here are some of my favorite bits:

Her eyes darted quickly to the dark sky and she swung left, ignoring the tiny stings of pain on her face as it made contact with the sharp pine needles. (Preface)

Freya looked up—and up and up; just how tall was this building?—and whistled softly in admiration. This year, Yasmeen had gone all out for her eighteenth birthday. (Chapter 1)

As soon as Yasmeen saw them she stopped talking to the guard. She shooed him away and plastered a smile on her face. Freya watched him go curiously. Before he exited the room he turned and tossed her a look. Freya blinked, perplexed. Was that look aimed at her? She shook her head. Nah, definitely not. I don't know the guard from Eve. (Chapter 2)

There are, however, a number of sentences that are structured a bit awkwardly and could be improved for clarity or to make them stand out more in a positive way. Examples:

Glancing up, she took notice of the constellation of the stars so she knew where to go. (Preface)

A couple of possible revisions to strengthen this:

She glanced up to the stars, reading the constellations for guidance. OR

She glanced up to the stars, orienting herself by the constellations.

Another example:

She crossed her arms over her chest and watched him impassively, somehow sensing that his eyes were checking her out as she had done him. (Preface)

Possible revision:

She crossed her arms over her chest and watched him impassively, her skin crawling as she felt him stare in return.

Example:

She was about to join them when an unexpected flash of a long-ago buried memory was brought to the forefront of her mind, freezing her by the door. (Chapter 1)

This one is doubly troublesome because of the phrasing and because there's no hint given of what the memory actually is. Actually giving us flashes from the memory and then having her shake her head like 'that was weird, not again' might work better.

Her eyes took in the faded brown paint where she had spent many hours drawing on when she was young. (Chapter 1)

Possible revision:

The brown paint of the house was faded, a testament to the hours she'd spent drawing on it when she was young and the number of times her pictures had been washed clean so she could start fresh.

One last example:

The sky-high heels they wore were definitely showing how big of a bad idea they were, and their feet were killing them. (Chapter 2)

Possible revision:

Sky-high heels certainly made a statement, but by now Freya's feet were killing her.

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 9

Overall, I felt the characterization was quite effective. Details about the characters were worked in deftly and the author does a tremendous job of showing us the characters instead of telling us about them. Only Freya's ex and a couple instances of dialogue felt a bit off to me.

Freya's ex is said to have built up the image of being the perfect guy for her, and though she was suspicious at first—and her friends insisted he was a player—she eventually agreed to go out with him. However, he dumped her right after, get some sort of sick enjoyment out of breaking her heart. At the party, though, he's looking at Freya rather lustfully, and I'm left wondering why he spent all that time reeling her in just to dump her immediately. It's not that I don't buy that people can be that cruel—it's actually that it doesn't seem cruel enough for the lascivious way he's looking at her. Wouldn't he have used her a while before dumping her?

As for the dialogue, some of it is brilliant, like this bit here:

"Shit," he cursed, taking more cautionary steps back. "No one told me you hit like a freaking two-by-four," he spat. "What the hell do you have packed into that slender body of yours? Bricks?" (Preface)

But there were a couple of instances that felt off, like these:

The security guards moved as one, each grabbing a hold of Hayden's arms while Hayden's face mottled with fury. "I'm not done here!" he snapped. "Fools! You're going to regret this." (Chapter 2; doesn't sound authentic)

"Girls," she said, her voice shaky, "while I appreciate this—and you know how much I do—I would like my makeup to stay on my face and not look like a raccoon if I cried," she laughed weakly. Her friends drew back, smiling. (Chapter 2; "and not look like a raccoon if I cried" is awkward)

And, importantly, the final paragraph of chapter 2:

Yasmeen's eyes scanned the ballroom until she found Freya and locked gazes with her, a devilish smile curving her lips. "Freya Dawn Falkove, you have been found guilty of possessing an abomination of a heritage. You have been sentenced to the following: your mortal body will be killed while your soul is coming with me to be judged by the Almighty." (Chapter 2)

The last sentence sounds weird. Perhaps something more like You have been sentenced to a mortal death. Your soul will be brought for judgment before the Almighty.

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 9.5

This author is quite skilled at weaving setting details in throughout the narrative. There was only one instance when I felt the description was a bit forced, and it was because a scene break moved the timeline forward three hours, but the narrator described the party ballroom as if Freya was seeing it for the first time. It would be an easy fix, and as far as complaints go on setting and worldbuilding details, this is a very small qualm.

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 8

The preface does a great job of opening the story with good tension and a solid sense of conflict. The first chapter, though, was paced a little slowly. Not much happened in the chapter. While it was good to get to know Freya and her friends, I felt we could have spent slightly less time on their preparations for the dance. I also felt that Freya's nostalgic descriptions of her home were a bit forced; they seemed designed to create a sense of an impending ending of her idyllic life for the reader, but there was no reason within the narrative for Freya to wax nostalgic so suddenly. She's getting ready for an exciting party! Memory lane should be the last thing on her mind.

Chapter 2 returned to solid pacing, however. Between the confrontation with Freya's ex and the big reveal at the end, there is plenty of tension in the chapter and a good reason to keep reading on.

Synthesis

Spirited in the Mist is a very solid story already if these first three chapters are a good gauge. The author has a good grasp on basic writing mechanics, characterization, and how to slip description in naturally. The pace was a little weak in chapter one and some of the sentences could be tightened up structurally, but all in all this is a very strong draft.