This critique was written for featherpunk, and is dedicated to them. Please click the dedication to go check out their work!

Book Title: Spectacle of Souls

Book Genre: Paranormal/Mystery

Date of Critique: February 29, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: 1.1, 1.2 & 1.3

Approximate Chapter Length: 2000, 2200 & 3800

Content Flags: Profanity, gore (in critique as well)

Summary (copied from book description)

'Death had often intruded on her thoughts in the past but it had been a distant concern; a heart attack in her late seventies or a peaceful slip into sleep at the age of ninety three.

But here she was, seventeen, about to be crushed to death by a murderous elephant.'

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE CIRCUS DIRUS...

~MARVEL at the story of Dace Livigin, awkward teenager, as she finds herself trapped in the midst of a circus that is anything but ordinary. The performers have an underlying mission to seek and eradicate the spawn of a diabolical werewolf ...

~GASP as, after discovering her own aptitude for demon-slaying, Dace begins to suspect that there's more to this wolf after all - it actually lurks amongst the circus freaks...

~TAKE YOUR GUESS at the identity of the monster. Could it be:

One of three sharp-tongued, suspiciously flexible acrobats?

The deadly duo of stuntwomen?

The charming clown or even the bearded lady who's just the slightest bit too cheerful?

Or is it the enigmatic Ringleader, a man who definitely knows more than he's letting on about the truth of his circus...

Only one thing is certain: Dace must decide quickly. Time works against her.

*Warning: Tonight's performance contains violence, gore, swearing and death*

Chapter Summary

Dace wakes up on a train with an odd receptionist-type woman asking what her Act is. The trouble is, Dace can't remember. Not her Act, not how she got here, not even why she's here. The woman assigns her to cleaning up after the animals and Dace heads back to their cages, where she meets the bearded woman Mathilda, called Matt for short.

In the second act, Matt takes Dace to her room and tells her she ought to watch the show tonight. She meets the Red Ringleader, a man as surly as Matt is bright, and overhears a conversation between the two of them that implies things aren't what they seem. As Matt advised, Dace watches the show, but when she steps away to use the restroom she sees a strange white wolf entering the tent.

The finale of this three-part episode begins with Dace redirecting a little boy who was following the white wolf. Matt finds Dace, entirely disapproving of the fact that she wandered off. Hearing Dace's concerns about the wolf and the little boy, Matt assures her that Wolfspawn like that creature are only a danger to performers. As if to illustrate, the trained elephant goes wild in the ring, infected by Wolfspawn. Matt and the Red Ringleader try to put the creature down, but Dace steps in and reveals her talent by singing the elephant back to itself. After the show, all seems well until the wolf returns, dragging the mutilated body of the little boy out of the grass fields outside the tent. Dace is horrified, and her horror only grows when she learns the true indifference of Matt and the Red Ringleader—who lied by telling her Wolfspawn was no danger to their guests and put down the elephant even after Dace saved it.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 8.5

For the most part this story's mechanics are quite sound. They certainly aren't enough to take much away from a deeply entertaining tale. There are some errors primarily concerned with semicolon/colon/comma usage and dialogue conventions. Examples...

This place smelled of leather and dust; reminding her of the uncomfortable waiting rooms she'd frequented as a child. (Part 1.1. Should be a comma instead of semicolon.)

To Dace this seemed remarkably odd; the man in the queue behind her had two heads that were debating rather loudly over whether a tax on plastic bags would serve to lessen the effects of pollution or were simply an annoyance. (Part 1.1. Should be a period instead of a semicolon.)

At one point we have correct and then incorrect usage of semicolons one after the other:

The creature looked almost as bored as woman who had assigned it Dace for company; it stood nonchalantly in the corner of its metal-barred cage flicking its creased silver trunk back and forth as it gazed wearily down at her. (Part 1.1. Could be a period but the semicolon is also correct in this case.)

She was not the only one aboard this train lacking the element of control; held back by others' orders for unbeknownst reasons. (Part 1.1. Should be a comma.)

I'll end my examples there. Semicolons, colons, and commas can be tricky buggers, and I'm quite used to seeing them misused. The punctuation errors in this story would most likely be unnoticed by your average reader.

As for dialogue conventions:

"The cages are ten doors down," The woman held out a clawed hand to the door opposite them. "Go before I change my mind and have you thrown off." (Part 1.1. The comma after 'down' should be a period in this instance because there is no dialogue tag.)

"Well mine's Dace," She held out a hand, "So we should get along swimmingly." (Part 1.1. Typical convention would be more like this: "Well mine's Dace," she held out a hand, "so we should get along swimmingly." Personally I would break the action out with dashes, but the commas are fine.)

"Sit for a while whilst I change." Matt commanded, and Dace obediently plopped herself down onto one of the cushion-smothered benches as her new friend slipped behind a large painted screen with a bundle of fabrics. (Part 1.1. The period after 'change' should be a comma because there is a dialogue tag.)

There are more instances of these things throughout the three acts, but these give you an idea.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 8.5

So much promise in this writing style! There are so many brilliantly written bits, and some that would be perfect with a hint of a rephrase for grammar/clarity.

Bits I loved:

"Well, hopefully it wasn't animal dung, dear, because that's exactly what you're in for." The woman began to scrawl something down on an official looking document before thrusting a small card in Dace's direction. "This is your ID card. Dace Livigin, shit-scooper. Have fun." (Part 1.1)

"We have one hell of a show prepared for you tonight, folks!" From beneath the rim of the hat he grinned, eyes shining as he took in his audience. Gone was the dark demeanour he'd displayed in Matt's compartment barely thirty minutes ago. The Ringleader before Dace didn't look capable of frowning and his body moved with effortless elegance as he filled every corner of the ring: a dove in flight as opposed to a stationary vulture on a branch glaring down at the world. (Part 1.2. I'd tidy up the ending, but it's gorgeous overall.)

Despite this Dace found herself laughing uncontrollably as the dog yanked his dungarees down with its teeth, revealing a comically awful pair of boxer shorts that spelled This Space for Rent across his bum. (Part 1.2)

The bone-white wolf prowled across the field only metres away from her, as big as a grizzly bear with paws the size of gravediggers' spades. It turfed up the smooth lawn with each step. Dace frowned: since when were arctic wolves native to Britain? Perhaps it was another one of the Circus' animal performers. Still, that didn't explain why the creature was slipping beneath the skirt of the tent almost sneakily, rotting yellow teeth bared as it turned to look back. (Part 1.3)

Dace emerged into the near-black underbelly of the big top. The bottoms of the seats made for a slanted ceiling and the metal supports were skeletal and cold. It felt like a different world altogether from the brightly lit spectacle above. (Part 1.3)

The wolf's mouth angled open into a crocodile's grin, and the mutilated body of the copper-haired little boy collapsed to the grass, the whites of his watery eyes just visible beneath the mask of rust that smeared his face. His head clung to the rest of his body by a strip of hot, shiny flesh no thicker than a rope and one of his arms had been torn off completely. (Part 1.3. Positively made me shudder.)

But there were also instances where the language was so close except for some phrasing issues:

The woman wore a glare that was somewhere between boredom and frustration, her blazer clad torso was practically slumped over her desk and even her jade green dreadlocks seemed somewhat sad and lifeless. (Part 1.1)

Possible revision:

The woman wore a glare that was somewhere between boredom and frustration. Her blazer-clad torso was practically slumped over her desk—even her jade green dreadlocks were sad and lifeless.

Another:

Without a safety net in sight Dace wasn't the only one holding her breath as one boy dove almost to the fire-flooded ground before another caught him by the ankles, his legs hooked around the swing. (Part 1.2)

One possible revision:

Dace wasn't the only one holding her breath as one boy dove, no safety net in sight, and grazed the flames below before another caught him by the ankles.

One more example:

Numb, she watched as boy and beast danced about the ring as if this were a bullfight. Several times its tusks brushed against his coat millimetres away from goring his side and several more times he landed powerful blows to the wild-eyed monster with his weapon. (Part 1.3. This is an action scene and could be livened up with some punchier sentence construction.)

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 9.5

This story has absolutely lovely characterization. The only trouble I had was with occasional moments of ignorance that didn't seem to suit Dace. We'll go through some good examples of characterization first:

"I rejected the advances of a talented magician's apprentice." The girl dug around in the bucket and threw a handful of vibrant gold mango chunks in to the elephant.

"A magician's apprentice?" Dace brushed back her dense dark curls, wondering if she'd heard correctly.

"I know! He wasn't even a real magician! Don't know why he was so sure I'd say yes to him." The bearded girl upturned the now empty tin bucket and used it as a stool, leaning forward casually as if she and Dace were old friends. (Part 1.1)

Dace had visited a circus a long time ago: the ringleader had been a portly, greying man with an obnoxious yell. Not a brooding boy allergic to sentences over a certain length. "He seems... miserable." (Part 1.2)

Dace was certainly startled by his lack of people skills. If Matt was a burst of welcoming warm light in a dark, unfamiliar labyrinth then the Ringleader was a tapping on her shoulder that, when she turned into the darkness, revealed nothing but a deserted path. Something about him was deeply unnerving but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. (Part 1.2)

"Ah, shit." Matt hissed, the curse out of place on her eloquent tongue, as she dragged Dace behind her and began to fire. The elephant charged again, and with the added duty of protecting Dace the gunwoman couldn't seem to land a hit. (Part 1.3)

"Thank goodness," As the crowds began to filter out of the tent she made for the curb of the ring, where the elephant's trainer lay cowering. Exhaustion finally taking hold of her, Dace's words came out in a typical bluster of babble as she stretched out a hand to help the woman. "Ah, ma'am, I... uh, I fixed your elephant. You're welcome." (Part 1.3)

I was very pleased with how pretty much all of the characters were handled. I had a moment of "No! No." at the end when Matt turns out to be pretty much indifferent, but decided it was just because I was so attached to her. Her turn in character is quite thoroughly foreshadowed, I just didn't want to see it.

Again, I did have a couple minor qualms about Dace. She brushes off the idea that there's magic at play here for longer than I found to be believable. And then there was this moment:

Even in the awful lighting Dace was sure she saw Matt's lip curl. "Wolfspawn."

"What's that?" (Part 1.3. That's Dace speaking at the end.)

The name at least sounds self-explanatory. I would have expected a different response from Dace, more along the lines of "...you're hunting wolf puppies?"

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 10

Absolutely gorgeous. I've not much to say, but I'll try to throw in some good examples.

Dace pushed open the curtains to reveal a space that stretched the length of an entire carriage; a cramped hall lined with rigid metal bars. Hot on the heels of that godawful stench, the purrs and whinnies and growls of the beasts around Dace melted into one as she stepped forward into the straw-littered carriage, keeping a slow pace as she took in the menagerie that raised their heads and regarded her entrance with casual interest. (Part 1.1)

They moved through warm, candle-lit spaces down an ever-trembling path; Dace was reminded of the funhouse at the local fair, with its deliberately tight corridors and revolving walls. This train's interior felt different, though. The funhouse had been dressed gaudily with parts made deliberately for deconstruction; this modestly decorated train felt ancient and solid enough that not even a boulder crashing into its side could splinter the wooden walls.

It had a soul.

Dace was sure of that.

She was even surer that it was observing her as she squeezed down its limbs. (Part 1.1)

The Circus tent towered over them, a scarlet and ivory striped monstrosity with a trio of meringue-peak spikes jutting from its top, a fortress into which guests of all ages were streaming in. Even from its rear Dace could pick up on the excited murmurs of the crowds. Along with intricate patterns painted along the walls of the tent the thing was illuminated by thousands of tiny lights, like fireflies.

As Matt and Dace split off from the horde of performers and joined the bustling throng at the front of the tent the wafting scent of fresh popcorn and the occasional flash of outrageously pink candy floss clutched in the hand of a child made Dace's stomach growl, but soon enough she was distracted by the men parading around in stilts, their faces painted into clown's smiles and their trousers striped in alternating colours of green and purple. (Part 1.2. That last bit's a doozy of a sentence but the imagery is beautiful all the same.)

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 9.5

I thought the pacing of this was right on the mark. It's got a good hook from the get-go and the driving question of what Dace is doing here and why she can't remember this place. The mystery of Matt and Red Ringleader's hunt is brought in quite early.

I did think that the scene with Dace standing with the elephant, expecting to get trampled, lasted a bit long between Matt going down and Dace actually singing to calm the creature.

Aside from that, I had no complaints. When the circus started, I worried too much description would be spent on the acts, but it felt just right: a bit of description of the first act, then just highlights of the acts that followed.

Synthesis

I highly recommend Spectacle of Souls to anyone with a stomach for a bit of gore and profanity. This is a well-done story across the board. The sentences could occasionally use a bit of tightening up for grammar and structure, but it's not enough to detract from an otherwise well-crafted work. Kudos to featherpunk!