This critique was written for qtdxll, and is dedicated to them. Please click the dedication to go check out their work!

* Note: This is an upgrade. As such, the posted critique will be more on the short and sweet side than usual because my in depth comments are shared with the author via Google Docs.

Book Title: Millennium

Book Genre: Paranormal

Date of Critique: March 6, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: Prologue, 1, & 2

Approximate Chapter Length: 100, 1300, & 1100

Content Flags: None

Summary (copied from book description)

Destiny has planned Solis and Luna's lives from the minute they were born to their last breath. But things don't always go according to plan. Solis and Luna are plunged into world they couldn't've fathomed.

Magic is real and spells are cast. Luna and Solis are witches who control the Sun and Moon. Luna's powers are insurmountable. Visions of the future torment Luna's dreams and spirits follow Luna around.

As Solis and Luna delve into their past, they come across dangerous secrets. Secrets buried six feet under are better left unknown. Solis has lived with a secret her entire life and she's not ready to tell anyone what it is. When push comes to shove, Destiny isn't always forgiving. Lying is her favorite game, are you ready to play?

Chapter Summary

In the prologue, a young woman named Amber begs for pity on behalf of herself and a young man, but the narrator takes no pity. A clock chimes and the narrator leaves the room, saying that it is time.

In the first chapter, two young women are kidnapped and tied to chairs in an abandoned warehouse. The narrator from the prologue tells them she just has things she needs to share with them, what with their sixteenth birthday coming up, but she knew they wouldn't listen if she just approached them.

In the second chapter, the kidnapper explains to the two young women that they are the physical embodiment of the sun and moon and control their rising and setting. They were meant to be male and female—soul mates—but the kidnapper has so far been unable to determine why they are both female. She describes the changes they will undergo as they come into their power.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 9

There are a few errors here and there, but the first three chapters are largely clean of mechanical mistakes.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 6

The author's writing style is distant from the characters and doesn't always connect description to the scene or the characters' narration very well. I found myself commenting on a need to better ground the writers in the scene fairly often as I went through my line-by-line critique. There are also a number of sentences that could be restructured for clarity and poignancy.

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 6

It is very difficult to get into the character's heads because the story alternates between first person narrators with no designation of who is narrating a given scene. By the end of the third chapter I was able to figure out who had been the narrator of each scene, but as I was reading it was often very confusing. Luna doesn't have a very distinct voice; in her first scene, she really only shows fear, but in a later scene she is suddenly the outspoken one. Destiny fluctuates between sadistic-crazy and wise old wizard mentor who explains what's going on even though her charges are tied down to chairs. The closest I came to identifying with someone was Solis, who has her favorite show interrupted by her kidnapper and fights back, is the only one with the guts to speak up when they first wake in the warehouse, and has the wits to realize that based on her name she must be the one who embodies the sun.

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 6

Very few of the scenes have any setting details, and most of the setting details given are not well integrated into the narrative. The information on the magic of the story is given in an info-dump monologue to the girls by Destiny. I wanted to see more details to ground each scene and connect the reader to what was going on. In addition, Destiny's decision to kidnap and tie up the girls didn't make sense, especially given her claim that she can decide people's fates.

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 7.5

While I wasn't sure what was going on with Destiny and the timeline of the story hopped back and forth quite a bit in a confusing way, there was at least the driving conflict of why the girls were kidnapped to move the story forward. There's also Destiny's determination to figure out the girls' mystery, the secrets they are 'hiding.'

Synthesis

Millennium's current draft is in its infancy and needs some in-depth work to tighten up the structure, characterization, and setting details. There are some inconsistencies within the first three chapters that leave the reader confused, and the writing has a skimming quality because there aren't a lot of solid details to ground the reader in the character's viewpoints or the settings of the scenes. There are mysteries and a conflict to drive the story forward, but without revision, these won't be enough to create a gripping tale.