This critique was written for NickfEast, and is dedicated to them. Please click the dedication to go check out their work!

Book Title: The Last Philosopher

Book Genre: Fantasy/Comedy

Date of Critique: February 29, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: Empris (4), The Khmur (5), Pentakl (6)

Approximate Chapter Length: 1400, 1900, 800

Content Flags: None

Summary (copied from book description)

The Last Philosopher is a comical fantasy story about the world of Huom.

Before there was anything there was nothing and when everything is gone nothing will remain. But what if the difference between nothing and everything was in how little you cared?

The oldest sorcerer in Empris has been having terrible and devastating nightmares. He has opted for insomnia in line with the avoidance strategy of his magick school. However, it may not be enough and someone might have to start actually doing something, no matter how unwilling they might be.

Chapter Summary

The author requested that I critique chapter parts 4-6. Parts 1-6 are actually all chapter 1, coming in around 10,000 words together. I skimmed parts 1-3 so I wouldn't be clueless.

Part 1 introduces the setting, a planet named Huom that defies physics by sitting at the center of a galaxy, stars and everything else orbiting the planet. There's a black hole named Dick who's sick of the planet's crap—he's a conservative black hole, you know, and things should run a certain way but the planet's interfering with that. So when a Darkness threatens in the galaxy, the black hole is just a bit thrilled the planet might be getting its comeuppance for stealing his spotlight for so long.

Part 2 details the prison break of an old man. Outside of this man, none of the prisoners are particularly eager to escape.

Part 3 introduces a sorcerer whose name I won't even try to remember mulling over the state of his world. He's been having nightmares that suggest magic itself is under threat, but no one will pay him any mind because he doesn't have any proof.

In part 4, Lyeasrakardsul (I lied, I memorized his name after all) muses on the history of Empris, the sorcerers' homeland, and on the sorcerers' general tendency to stick to ego-soothing fabricated histories while they search for ways to lengthen lives that are already very long. Lyeasrakardsul wants to learn the true history of their home.

In part 5, Lyeasrakardsul contemplates the history of the conflict between sorcerers of different magic disciplines in Sojurut.

Finally, part 6 features Lyeasrakardsul's skittish apprentices telling him that he's been summoned to meet with the council an hour early due to another disappearance. The sorcerer muses on the most effective way of approaching the council.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 8

Overall the sentences read very easily and there aren't a ton of grammar or spelling mistakes. There are some here or there, however. The most common problem is difficulty with proper comma usage, followed distantly by occasional dangling sentence fragments and tense inconsistency. Examples:

He had long ago, unwillingly, admitted to himself that like most intellectuals the sorcerers suffer from a tendency to gravely exaggerate their own importance. (4th section)

The commas in this sentence must have played musical chairs for a few rounds because they're in completely nonsensical places and some of them are missing. Suggested revision:

He had unwillingly admitted to himself that, like most intellectuals, the sorcerers suffered from a tendency to gravely exaggerate their own importance.

I took out the 'long ago' bit because its presence makes the sentence clunky in an unpleasant way. If it must be there, it could be at the beginning instead.

After becoming the head of Dalmicir magick and learning parts of the truth. Lyeasrakardsul had made it his life work to learn everything he could about the relocation. (4th section)

This is the first paragraph in a run of three to end on dangling sentence fragments. Suggested revision:

After becoming the head of Dalmicir magick and learning parts of the truth, Lyeasrakardsul made it his life's work to learn everything he could about the relocation.

Final example:

"Excuse me master but there has been an incident and you have been called to the council building." The boy always looked terrified which was unusual for a sorcerer. (6th section)

We're missing some commas here to pace the sentence.

"Excuse me, Master, but there has been an incident and you have been called to the council building." The boy always looked terrified, which was unusual for a sorcerer.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 8.5

This is a promising writing style that occasionally suffers from awkward sentence construction. The narrator's voice usually makes up for these minor errors. Some examples:

Trying to kill each other might count as a form of communication and in most cases death works pretty well as a final reply, but in the case of the factions the feuds were just passed down to the next generation. (5th section; the grammar is a bit off, but the voice is unique and fun.)

Occasionally one of them had limited success in their local territories and was able to make smaller areas magick free, but like cockroaches the sorcerers always came back sooner or later. (5th section, similar to above.)

"Cowardice may not be the most attractive quality but calculated sneakiness wins more conflicts than bravery." Lyeasrakardsul thought. (5th section; quite clever, though it doesn't follow normal conventions for dialogue or for thought.)

The sun was coming up alongside Heno the western of the three highest peaks surrounding the plain of Pentakl; the light was making the Dalmicir gate glimmer. (6th section; this is a wasted opportunity for painting a vivid opening image, since it's the first line of the section but it's grammatically awkward.)

Okay, last example:

His under bite made it inside before the rest of his body since it had to accommodate his lower jaw fangs typical of a Kor. (6th section; this is a fascinating image, a great detail, but again the grammar detracts from it somewhat.)

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 7

When there is characterization, it's generally pretty poignant. Only one bit of characterization struck me as off:

Lyeasrakardsul raised his arms above his head and stretched, his right shoulder cracked.

"At least my mind hasn't cracked yet." He thought and smiled but another thought came racing in after the first one.

"Would I know it if it did?" He froze for a second before he decided it was a useless question and rocking forward he got up from his chair. (6th section)

This is a sorcerer over 700 years old who seems legitimately concerned at the sudden idea that he might not know it if he went insane. At that age, I'm sure he would have thought of something like this before. It certainly wouldn't freeze him for a second.

Other than that, Lyeasrakardsul has a distinctive personality in the moments we get to see him, and other characters mentioned in passing even get a distinguishing detail or two thrown their way. The trouble is that the characters don't actually feature in the narration all that much. It reads more like a history textbook with occasional interjections from Lyeasrakardsul.

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 8.5

The worldbuilding is very thorough. Really, all it suffers from is being too thorough. As mentioned above, these chapters read largely like a history textbook. It's fact after fact after fact, and after a time it becomes a lot to absorb. Too much to keep track of without any real story to ground it in.

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 4

There is a plot in there somewhere. However, it's buried under all the worldbuilding. The pace of this work is excruciatingly slow. We get far more of a history lesson on the world than we do tidbits about the actual plot of the book. In the entirety of the first 6 sections that make up the 10,000-word first chapter, we might get about 10 paragraphs that contribute directly to the plot. There's a Darkness rising in the world. Lyeasrakardsul's nightmares hint that something is going seriously wrong with magic. Young sorcerers-in-training are going missing. (If you add in the escaped prisoner there might be another relevant paragraph or two, but as of yet I'm not sure how that factors in.)

The closest the story comes to picking up is the 6th section when Lyeasrakardsul's apprentice comes to tell him of the most recent disappearance and his summons to the council. Actual interaction between characters. Finally! But then Lyeasrakardsul falls into introspection yet again, this time on the most effective way to present his case to the council. He has some clever thoughts; the trouble is that after nearly 10,000 words of what is largely introspection of one kind of another, I'm not that interested in hearing them.

Synthesis

There are some very clever moments in this story, times when the narrator's style shines and the humor of the book becomes clear. However, it's buried under leagues of history lessons on the world of the story. There's a gem underneath the mess, I've no doubt, but there will be quite a bit to mine through to get to it and polish it to true brightness.