This critique was written for MarcusBrutus1, and is dedicated to them. Please click the dedication to go check out their work!

Book Title: The Grey Land

Book Genre: Fantasy

Date of Critique: March 1, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: 1, 2, & 3

Approximate Chapter Length: 400, 500, & 800

Content Flags: None

Summary (copied from book description)

Welcome to Inaria.

A land that once thrived, with Worldshapers, brave men and women blessed with magic from the land itself, altering the land with their powers. All was peaceful. Then, something happened.

The lands strength was sapped, the Worldshapers vanished. Plants wouldn't grow, and food was rare. The land became dry, cracked, and dead.

And yet, hope remains, for a savior has been seen. He will rise up and save the world, return the Worldshapers to their former glory, and bring life to the Grey Land.

The Shifting World, Book One.

Chapter Summary

Chapter 1 introduces Alan, a fun narrator whose only real accomplishment is surviving in a brittle and dying world. He's working on his second achievement: stealing a strawberry. The fruit is so rare that the single one that grew in his village is under guard. Of course, when he turns to leave there are two armed figures standing in the way.

Chapter 2 reveals that these armed figures are in fact here for Alan because a prophecy claimed they would find the future savior of the world in this storeroom. Alan decides to go with them because, hey, they might have food and they seem nuts enough that he can just get away later. So he introduces himself, and they give their names as Nathan and Alice.

In chapter 3, Alan gets to see a hint of fabled Worldmaking magic as they make their escape from the storeroom. After they've travelled a bit, Nathan and Alice tell Alan some of their history and how they came to find him, though he finds the story to be something of a letdown. At the end of the chapter, he steals what food he can from them while they sleep and sneaks away.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 8.5

There are a couple of typos, a hint of tense inconsistency near the beginning, and a lot of dialogue convention errors, but otherwise this story reads very cleanly. (Some of the typos might be a lack of understanding of possessive apostrophes, but hey, benefit of the doubt here.) The author even has a good grasp of comma usage! (Huzzah!)

I will soon have accomplished two things.

You see, I am in the process of stealing one of the most precious objects in my world. (Chapter 1)

Hey, I'm stealing from them, but it's clear this place isn't going to last much longer. I'm helping some poor soul from being crushed by a collapsing piece of wood. (Chapter 1)

These are the bits with tense inconsistency. The theft of the strawberry is in past tense, so these bits should be too. It might require a bit of finagling at the beginning when he's talking about his one-about-to-be-two accomplishments, but the clarity will be worth it.

I squinted at them. "If this is a kidnapping, I'd like to see my abductors faces, at least."

The male voice said "it's not a kidnapping! Look, just come with us, and we'll tell you everything."

The female said "you're telling him to come with us. That sounds an awful lot like a kidnapping." (Chapter 2)

Double duty! Dialogue conventions and a typo. Should be:

I squinted at them. "If this is a kidnapping, I'd like to see my abductors' faces, at least."

The male voice said, "It's not a kidnapping! Look, just come with us, and we'll tell you everything."

The female said, "You're telling him to come with us. That sounds an awful lot like a kidnapping."

Added a possessive apostrophe to abductors, capitalized the it's and you're at the beginning of the kidnappers' dialogue.

Let's do one more bit of dialogue for good measure:

The cloaked figures glanced at each other, then the male one said "alright. I didn't want to scare you,"

"Too late" the female muttered.

"but I guess I'll tell you now. As you may have noticed, our land is slightly, ah, grey. Choked of life, devoid of energy, not growing-"

"Get on with it." Hissed the female. (Chapter 2)

Better would be:

The cloaked figures glanced at each other, then the male one said, "Alright. I didn't want to scare you"—

"Too late," the female muttered.

—"But I guess I'll tell you now. As you may have noticed, our land is slightly, ah, grey. Choked of life, devoid of energy, not growing"—

"Get on with it," hissed the female.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 9

This writing style is very simple. Kind of a bare bones deal. I found it very enjoyable. I kind of wished Alan wouldn't keep referring to the kidnappers as 'the male' and 'the female' the whole time—mix it up, throw in a 'woman' here or there, haha—but that could be a quirk of his particular voice.

Here's a gem:

I thought a moment, then realized that these people were probably rich, and would have food, and, were completely bonkers. I could go with them, get a good meal or two, then run off when they expected me to do something.

"Yes." I said quietly, then injected more grandeur into my voice. "Yes. I am the hero. Now take off your robes and introduce yourselves." (Chapter 2)

There were a few moments I wish had been described more thoroughly or slightly differently, but overall I found it to be a fun read.

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 8.5

The characterization we have is very good, particularly for Alan. He's very consistent throughout and his voice as narrator is a riot. I just wish there was a little bit more of it. Not much—this seems like a minimalist story and I kind of like it that way—but a little would go a long way.

Particular moments that I felt were missed characterization opportunities:

Although her tone was cheerful, her voice spoke of old scars, and haunting memories. It was obvious she had experienced pain. (Chapter 3. This would have been a good chance to do more showing than telling so we can really hear that tone.)

"Wow." Nathan said. "That's incredible." (Chapter 3. It's very easy to read this as deadpan, though I doubt that's the case. Alan's reaction to Nathan's enthusiasm would have been a good addition here.)

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 8

Similarly to characterization, I really just wanted more setting and worldbuilding details. What we have is lovely, there's just not that much of it. Some gems:

The door creaked, moaned, and dragged in protest, and the inside was covered with a layer of dust so thick I could barely see the wooden floor below.

Far above, the wooden beams put across for support had termite holes littered across them, and they were damp from the rain sneaking through the holes in the roof. (Chapter 1)

We came to the door, then the girl, Alice, lifted her hand into the air and grasped something.

She pulled down a shimmering, gossamer web, glowing with brilliant shades of greens, vibrant blues, and majestic reds.

Nathan grinned at me. "Shimmer Web. Inaria may be dying, but she still has some tricks."

I looked at in in wonder. There were storytellers in out village, of course, old men who told stories of magic and wonder, of Worldshapers who could quite literally change the world in an instant, and the gifts of Inaria to humanity. (Chapter 3)

A missed opportunity/moment of vague worldbuilding:

Nathan hurried on. "And that's what we are going to find out. They were said to have found something in the very center of the world. But, we don't know, cause they never came back." (Chapter 3. I'm left thinking "Like Journey to the Center of the Earth? Or is this more a 'Rome is the center of the known world' thing?")

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 9.5

The pacing is quick and there's pretty much always a driving motivation. Steal the strawberry. Go with the crazy folk long enough to get what food you can from them. And then there's this idea that Alan might be some prophesied hero. I'm just curious how they're actually going to pull Alan in since he's so self-absorbed!

Synthesis

This is a quick, fun read. The narrator's voice is hilarious and compelling. It's definitely a simpler affair, not for someone who likes involved descriptions of everything happening around the narrator at a given time, but it doesn't take place in a vacuum. We do get grounding details that are usually just the right amount for this writing style. It needs a once-over for a few grammar issues, but it's an easy fix. I'm going to keep an eye on this one because it looks like a fun ride. Kudos to MarcusBrutus1!