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Book Title: The Adventures of Aaron and Johanna: Fates Intertwined

Book Genre: Fantasy

Date of Critique: February 25, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: Prologue & Johanna's first chapter

Approximate Chapter Length: 900 & 2100

Content Flags: None

Summary (copied from book description)

Long ago, it was predicted that two children who would grow up and once they did, their paths would go in polar opposite directions.

One set to be as dark and evil as the demon who haunts the land.

And the other set to be as light as the Angel watching over the denizens of the land.

One fateful day, the two of them meet and from there, the journey begins.

The start of a powerful bond.

The time when change takes over.

And the beginning of the epic tale of Aaron and Johanna.

Chapter Summary

In the prologue, a man who appears to be an evil sorcerer is casting a spell when a king interrupts, his men casting a counter spell. However, after the sorcerer manages to escape by disappearing in a burst of raw magic, it becomes clear that some part of his spell succeeded. It leaves a strange flame burning over his shattered well.

In Johanna's chapter, set 518 years later, we meet Johanna Valdalaris, who is inspiring her village with a tale of another young woman's bravery and courage. As she finishes up, her grandmother praises her and gives her an 18th birthday gift, a family heirloom. Johanna and her grandmother's moment is interrupted, however, by the arrival of the evil Aphonian Invaders, the kingdom's knights, who are there for Johanna. Her grandmother fights them off and urges Johanna to escape, leaving Johanna to travel alone to the city of Rhavermone. However she arrives to find the city in flames. Watching the city burn, she meets an armored man who is as shocked as she is by the destruction. He introduces himself as Aaron Hollinger.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 6

This story suffers from a number of errors that make it more difficult to read. There are misused or made up words, commas where they don't belong, and an alarming quantity of sentence fragments. (Note that sentence fragments can be a stylistic choice that provides emphasis, but in this case there are too many for this to be the case.) There are also a number of tense mix-ups, particularly in a brief flashback Johanna has to her mother's capture by the Knights of Aphonia. It's not so bad that you don't get the gist of what's being said, but it's certainly distracting. For reference, some examples follow.

Misused words: After decomposing himself, the man shows that he is not pleased in the least, but instead filled with disscontempt. ('Decomposing' is meant to be 'composing,' as the man is gathering himself as he takes in the scene. 'Disscontempt' is meant to either be 'contempt' or 'discontent,' probably the former.)

Extra commas: My words are stolen from me, as we could all feel the wind go through as the clouds above rolled in. This sudden change, causes the cheery villagers to turn deathly silent. And the animals that walk among us, to stop cold in their tracks. (None of these commas belong.)

Sentence fragments: Announces a figure wearing a black cloak, upon performing an ancient ritual in a dimly-lit cathedral. Slowly pouring a lavender-colored potion in the well, before continuing on. (Many sentences in this story begin with progressive verb forms (-ing verbs) that are really meant to be a part of the previous sentence.)

Mixed tenses: As that menace was about to attack, I scream loud enough that the trees began to flame. (As you can see, this sentence goes from past to present tense and back again. The author seems to have particular trouble switching to past tense when describing characters or things in the scene.)

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 6

This author has a very melodramatic writing style. There are some interesting word choices that I'd like to see tweaked, because they show a lot of promise, but there are also several instances of poor word choice, as shown above. (Promising word choices include 'bruised fate' and 'scorched in utter disbelief,' though I would chance 'in' to 'by' in the latter.)

I try to keep writing style separate from mechanics where possible, but in this case they do overlap quite a bit because of tense mix-ups and use of sentence fragments. The story is written primarily in present tense with the exception of Johanna's flashback, which starts in past but turns somewhat erratically over to present. I'd like to see the prologue in complete past tense (as it is 518 years before the body of the story) and the flashback in complete past tense, but the rest in present.

The story is in third person for the prologue and a few paragraphs at the beginning of Johanna's chapter, where it switches to first person, the transition marked by a header of Johanna's name. I think POV switches can be worked well in some situations, but not generally mid-chapter. I'd like to see the prologue in third, and Johanna's chapter entirely in first person. Especially since the bit in third person accomplishes nothing that it couldn't do in first person.

There are a couple instances in which, even in first person, we end up somehow hopping into someone else's head. Here's a particularly noticeable example:

I allow Grandma to place the Ruby Locket on me, and the two of us admire myself in front of the nearby mirror. The two of us couldn't fathom how beautiful I truly was at that moment. Especially myself. Seeing myself looking as beautiful as the swans that gallantly swim in the lakes of the effervescent land.

Johanna shouldn't know her grandmother can't fathom her beauty, at least not in that context. While they're looking in the mirror, if Johanna is truly struck by her beauty, her own disbelief should dominate her thoughts. (This excerpt also provides examples of tense mix-up, poor word choice, both an acceptable sentence fragment and one that is misplaced, and melodrama.)

I'll end this section with one final example, possibly the oddest stylistic choice in the piece. The evil sorcerer is speaking:

"You may laugh now, but you all have done a terrible thing. Now there is no stopping fate. The fates of the destined children shall remain tainted for eons to come. Until the cursed day they are born. Walking upon this world. The unholy prophecy shall be fulfilled... And you (While glaring directly at King Vorculos with his dead eyes) will remain responsible for your careless, wretched, actions!"

The parentheses are meant to show the sorcerer's action mid-monologue. Typically this would be denoted more like this: "[...] And you" — he glares directly at King Vorculos with his dead eyes — "will remain responsible for your careless, wretched actions!"

*Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 6

As the asterisk denotes, the author asked for particular attention to this and the following two categories. I will do my best to oblige.

The characters read a bit flat, due in part to the melodramatic writing. The sorcerer and the king from the prologue both disparage each other as evil, but we have no context for their accusations. The sorcerer is trying to cast a spell. The king is trying to stop him. But there are no real stakes. The vague chant of the spell is not enough to show a compellingly evil intention. The narrative talks a lot about their rage as these two shout at each other, but we don't know their history or where it comes from.

As for Johanna, we are told a lot about her, but not shown. Her grandmother clearly thinks she's quite brave, but what we see from Johanna is the story she tells her village, contemplation of her own beauty, memories of running away when her mother fought to defend her from the Knights of Aphonia, and then actually running away when her grandmother fights to defend her from those same knights. She tells herself her grandmother will be fine even though her mother never returned and her grandmother is screaming in anguish. And when she meets Aaron at the end, even though knights are looking for her by name, she introduces herself to Aaron by her real name.

Johanna comes across as a bit shallow and dull. Her grandmother doesn't seem to have a personality outside of loving, praising, and defending Johanna, though at least she has the spunk to try fighting off the knights with her cane.

*Dialogue Precision (requested by author): 8

The dialogue is probably the highlight of this story. It does suffer some from the melodrama of the writing style, which leads to a bit of monologuing, but when the characters are having short exchanges it works much better. When Johanna starts to ask if there is any chance they might find her missing mother, her grandmother cuts her off to gently lay that thought to rest. It's a natural exchange, what you might expect from a grandmother who knows her granddaughter still harbors hope and wants to keep her grounded in reality.

The characters do use language that is too elaborate, but as the author learns to tone down their writing style, that will clean up this aspect of the dialogue as well.

*Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 6

The setting has some definite flaws. Johanna's village is described as one that no one enters or leaves (with no explanation as to how that works) directly before the Aphonian Invaders ride in. This is just a mistake in clarity, as the intention behind the writing is that only the Knights of Aphonia enter or leave the village. However, Johanna also leaves without trouble, taking the 'village exit.'

The narrative also makes the village of Rhavermone seem very close on a time scale, far closer than makes sense, but then has Johanna look up and notice the smoke-darkened sky from the burning city. I believe this is a pacing error more than worldbuilding, as it's probably meant to seem much farther than it is, but that doesn't come across in the narrative.

The description of the burning city and the initial description of the morning Johanna lost her mother are the only bits that show the setting in any real detail. These descriptions were lovely while they lasted. Outside of these, we know Johanna stood on a rock in the village, and that Johanna studies herself in a 'nearby mirror' even though she is apparently in the middle of the village, where one wouldn't expect to find mirrors just standing about.

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 8

For all the flaws in the writing, the author did do right by introducing the conflict early. Johanna has a missing mother and grandmother to motivate her, as well as knights hunting her. There are also hints of danger from her own power when her scream lights the trees aflame and when the fire in the burning city calls to her. There is even foreshadowing in the form of the brave young woman's story she tells at the beginning, a woman whose own powers were tormenting her until she learned to control them by controlling her emotions. The story moves quickly, not bogged down by a lot of exposition.

Synthesis

This draft is very rough and will need a lot of work to reach its potential. The author overuses adjectives and sentence fragments, adding a lot of melodrama to the writing. The setting is very weak at the moment, as well as the characterization. There is a strong plot seed to work with, and the author shows a good grasp of foreshadowing. As a draft it offers a solid starting point from which to add depth to the characters and setting and to tighten up the writing style.