This critique was written for SailorMiniMoon, and is dedicated to them. Please click the dedication to go check out their work!

Book Title: Beyond the Wall

Book Genre: Adventure / Alternate Historical

Date of Critique: February 25, 2016

Chapter(s) Critiqued: 1 & 2

Approximate Chapter Length: 3400 & 2400

Content Flags: None

Summary (copied from book description)

Princess Mona and her three older sisters grew up within the walls surrounding the palace. It was simply an accepted part of life that they were never to leave. But when Mona decided to find her own place in the world and goes over the wall, she discovers many things that she was never meant to know. But the biggest question becomes, who does she trust? Her family or her new friends?

Chapter Summary

In the first chapter, we meet Mona, a princess who has been confined within the walls surrounding her home for her entire life. She tells us about her three older sisters, all married or engaged, and there is a hint of envy in Mona's explanation of the adventures her sisters have already had—especially Fianna, who has been beyond the castle walls after running away and training to be a knight. Mona hears a voice singing beyond the wall that catalyzes her into action, finding a way to escape the castle walls with some advice from Fianna.

In the second chapter, Mona gets her first look at life in the small city outside the castle and meets Faylorn, a man with younger sisters who takes something of a guardianship role over Mona. She begins to see that life outside the castle is not at all what she expected, and her father—the king—might be the reason why.

Critique

Each story attribute is rated from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest quality. I have endeavored to be as objective as possible, but writing is a subjective art, so of course my own predispositions will creep in somewhat.

Mechanics (grammar, spelling, etc.): 8.5

For the most part this is an easy read, grammar-wise, but there are enough typos, comma splices, and misuses of apostrophes to be noticeable to someone who's a bit nitpicky (like me). It's not enough that it would detract in any critical way from an otherwise well-written story.

Writing Style (word choice, sentence flow, etc.): 8.5

There are definitely some pleasing word choices and descriptions in here from time to time, though the writing won't blow you away. Outside of the occasional error, sentences are clear and read smoothly. This is a writing style that could certainly carry you through the story easily.

Characterization (voice, description, presence, etc.): 7

In these two chapters, we do get a pretty good grasp on Mona and Faylorn. Faylorn is interesting in that, as an older brother of five sisters, he seems to be comfortable interacting with young women and shows none of the need to be perceived as manly that some male characters display. We see that Mona is an optimist who finds delight in the world and wants to see more of it, though there is nothing terribly unique about her so far.

The other characters read a bit flat. In particular I wanted more from Fianna. Having been beyond the walls and lived for a time as a knight-in-training, she would have developed a distinct view of the world outside, but the only glimpse of this we get is her assurance that men indeed do sing—she's seen drunken soldiers singing, to say the least. Outside that and the tale of her escape from the castle, we get very little from her. The glaring trouble here is that she says nothing to prepare Mona for the fact that the outside world is not what she's been raised to expect.

Setting/Worldbuilding (description, clarity, etc.): 4

We do get some fun setting details, like the grit on Mona's hands, face, and gown after she leans against the wall to listen to the outside singer. However, this world is difficult to find believable, at least at this juncture. There were a number of things that troubled me, pulled me out of the story. I'd be willing to suspend disbelief at the idea of four princesses never allowed to step foot outside the castle walls if it was presented in a way that hinted at sense, but between Fianna's surprisingly easy tale of escape and the state of the city outside, it's difficult to swallow.

Mona escapes by using her father's climbing equipment, and that rock climbing hobby seems too convenient. Additionally, Mona reads about how to use the equipment in the library, but it only details how to use the anchors ("holds"), not the rope that is such an important part of climbing. This seems a glaring oversight for a book that describes rock climbing.

And then climbing the wall takes at least three hours (from 2am when Mona sneaks to the wall to the sun beginning to rise when she makes the top), which is unrealistic for a number of reasons, not least that Mona would not have the stamina for climbing that long with no experience.

When Mona meets Faylorn, he immediately pegs her as the runaway princess the guards are now searching for, which isn't surprising given her dress and the fact that he saw her by the wall. But he accepts her story that she's from out of town and wandered near the wall without realizing. I might believe Faylorn is just humoring her except that he and his family harbor spiteful feelings toward the royal family because of whatever the king has been up to and because the princesses live aloof in their castle.

Given the other inconsistencies, I'm not able to suspend my disbelief at the idea of caring parents pretending to shelter their daughters from the world while actually ruling in such a way that the smallfolk are bitter and resentful—and for good reason, as they are not allowed to sing, and some of the young women are carried off by guards never to be seen again.

Hook/Plot (sense of conflict, pacing, etc.): 7

The first chapter is slow and bloated with exposition. Conflict is introduced in Mona's desire to leave the castle walls and find the singer she heard, but it is not a particularly motivational goal. Fianna's story frankly sounds more interesting on the surface, although she doesn't sell it that way when she's talking to Mona.

The second chapter does a better job, introducing the conflict between what Mona thinks she knows and what she actually sees. Starting with a modified version of the second chapter and gradually introducing details of Mona's background throughout the course of the action might serve better as a hook. However, without tightening up the worldbuilding quite a bit, this might not make much of a difference.

Synthesis

In the end, while this author's writing style certainly shows promise, this draft is very rough and needs a lot of work to turn it into an engaging, immersive story. The basic idea is strong, if classic: young woman ventures outside the world she knows and learns that the outside conflicts with everything she's been taught in disturbing ways. However, the worldbuilding inconsistencies detract from the story in unforgivable ways.

A few major things come to mind that would help shore up the story. We need hints in Mona's family life that her father is capable of the sort of cruel, careless ruling that leads to smallfolk living in fear under knights who don't allow them to sing and who take their women for their own sick pleasure. We need a more believable escape from the castle for Mona.

Additionally, I would recommend a more powerful interaction between Mona and Fianna, something that shows Fianna has seen how harsh the world outside is. Something that explains why she has come back to the castle after seeing what it's like out there. There are different routes this can take, of course. She can be sympathetic and warn Mona of the harsh world outside, and have her own reasons for retreating to the relative safety of home. Or she can take after her father and show that she's careless enough to not realize the terrible nature of the behavior of the knights she trained with.

To be clear, I don't want to discredit Beyond the Wall. As I said, SailorMiniMoon does show potential. This is a launching pad for improvements, as any first draft should be. I look forward to seeing how SailorMiniMoon's writing grows in the future.