asigold25

First Impression: great plot idea!

I really love the prologue because it's so meaningful and provides an intriguing hook. I love how you dive into deep ideas, and really explore them. You have great descriptions, especially when explaining everything. I can picture mostly everything in my head. I also really like the creative name choices. In the prologue, this is something really minor, but I just thought I would point it out. The sentence, "In all honest, I had no idea of what would happen, but..." seems a little awkwardly phrased, so I decided that deleting the word "of" would phrase it better. Also, you tend to have exclamation marks at the end of some pretty sad sentences, and this just kind of ruins the mood, because exclamation marks are usually used when someone is happy or excited. For example, the one sentence "...its clear she is in so much pain!" contradicts itself because Aidan is talking about how much pain she is, but the exclamation mark makes it sound like he's shouting that at the top of his lungs with great joy. Also, make sure to watch your verb tense. For example, the paragraph that starts with "I honestly think as far as mistakes go..." is in present tense, but then the next paragraph that starts with "I looked at Aalya..." is in past tense. Even though I really like the meaningful comments about human nature, I find that they are sometimes very repetitive, which slows the story down. Use specific vocabulary to really get your point across and don't repeat the same point with different phrases of the same point. You'll just go around in circles that way. Overall, I really like the gradual connection that happens between Cheryl and Aidan, and you are great at communicating emotions. 

Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, then ignore them :)

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- bluecrayonlady