@Aquila_Lyn  

First Impression: Great job on completing it! 

I love how your story brings in the Indian culture. It's very different from the books I usually read. Your beginning is very detailed and also very long, with lots of descriptions about your main character and how she feels inside. That being said, I felt that the beginning was a little overwhelming, especially with all these deep and dark thoughts that you pile onto the reader. I understand that you are portraying life as flawed and you are showing the moments in life that aren't so perfect, which is really great, but I feel that the first chapter dealt with some very dark thoughts. Some parts of the story I was a little confused; I don't know if it's because of some minor grammar issues, or the way you phrased things. I know that your story is unedited, so after some proofreading, it should be good. You have a great writing style and you are very talented at showing the emotions of characters. You don't tell us, but you show it through their actions and their feelings. One thing would be to watch your verb tense, because you tend to switch from present to past when you are talking about the same situation. As I have said before, verb tense is something a lot of authors deal with, so after editing it, you should be fine. Again, amazing job on finishing the story! 

Remember that these suggestions are my opinion, and this is your story, so write it the way you want it to be. If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, then ignore them :) 

- bluecrayonlady