OliviaBankert

First Impression: cool plot! nice, detailed summary

This is a very well written story. I enjoyed it very much, and there were many things I found that were great. First, you have great imagery, so that I can imagine everything in my head. You also have nice song choices! I also like the POV change, because then we really get to see the condition this world is in through different views. One thing that is major is that you are incredible at conveying emotions. I can feel the despair, the heartbroken emotions that each character experiences when you write about them. I have to admit I did shed a tear or two when reading about the death of Ken. I definitely wasn't expecting it. Also, I love how you gradually introduce the characters to us, and then connect their destinies together, so they meet each other. It flows very nicely, and I can read it easily. A major thing I found that needs to be fixed is grammar. A lot of your sentences are run on sentences, and the formatting for a lot of the paragraphs is kinda weird. There are some sentences with no punctuation, so those need to be fixed when editing. Also, I would love to see more descriptions of each character. You are good at showing us who they are in terms of personality, and you have pictures of each character, but I would like to see you describe them with words. The pictures should't describe them for you. Congratulations on completing it!

Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of these suggestions, then ignore them :)

If you are feeling nice, I would greatly appreciate it if you give one of my stories a read, follow me, or give me a shoutout! If you enjoy art, I would love for you to create something for one of my stories, and I will post it! DM me if you have any questions :) 

- bluecrayonlady