Freedom_Arizona 101KyleighSkye101

First Impression: 87 parts?!?!

This is really well written. The intro is really great, there are some good descriptions and amazing imagery, and no one knows what is happening in the beginning, which causes us to read on to learn more. You are great at conveying emotions in the story, which really allows the reader to feel what they are feeling. I also like the switch of POV in different chapters, except that sometimes they are a little repetitive. There was one chapter where it was in Enola's POV, and then Harry's POV was the same exact thing. We don't want to read the same thing, especially since you didn't give any input in Harry's POV. I also like how you drop clues of their past before dropping the big part of Enola's life. One thing is that Chapter 18, you wrote that it is Enola's POV, but it talks in Harry's POV, so that would need to be changed. Their relationship is very realistic, because there are the ups and downs. However, I feel that sometimes there are too many descriptions, like you over describe everything, which tends to get the story to be boring and slows it down. That is probably why you have 87 chapters. This is definitely way too long for one book. I would suggest splitting it up into 2 books, to create a series. That way, readers will actually want to read the book and continue on. 87 parts just seems a little too intimidating. I get why this story is rated Mature, but I think there are way too many scenes where they "do it." There's a difference between too much and just enough. You should find the right balance so that we know they are very in love, but not portray them as always doing it. I mean, sure they can do it a lot, but it doesn't need to be explicitly shown. Overall, the main concern I have is that there are too many chapters. This is because of the fact that sometimes you have too many descriptions, and you tend to talk a lot about one thing, which doesn't really progress the story. My suggestion would be to change it to a series. 

Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so you can write it the way you want it to be. If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, then ignore them :)

Payment: completed by Freedom_Arizona

- bluecrayonlady