neonmist

First Impression: nice cover :)

Congratulations on completing the story! You have a very compelling summary and a great plot that really sets the plot and gives a reader a sense of what will happen throughout your story. I like how you discuss the idea of "happily ever after" and then talk about how your story started and ended with a drop of blood. You have very detailed descriptions, which really aid my imagination for a story like this. I like your characterization, especially since each character is different and unique in their own way. I especially like Brie, because of her quirky personality! For things to work on, the major thing is that you tend to introduce new characters without any background information on them, so I'm just sitting there wondering who this new character is and why they appeared. For example, you bring in Kaiser, but you don't tell us the background of him until about Chapter 16. When you bring out a new character, you should also have the background as well, like a package deal. They come together so your audience isn't confused while reading. There were a lot of characters that just appeared abruptly, like the Man of Letters, Jason Foxx, and Chloe King. I had no idea who those characters were until I kept reading. You shouldn't keep your readers in the dark about who your characters are. Is Jason Foxx Scarlett's real father? I was a little confused about the whole thing. I also thought that it was a little awkwardly developed that Jace was portrayed as an evil and malevolent character that Scarlett so desperately wanted to kill, and then all of a sudden, he's helping them. Scarlett's attitude towards him doesn't really match up to the history of those two, especially if Scarlett and Jace were once friends. Overall, great work on completing the story!

Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, ignore them :)

Payment: dedication, follow, and one read (please tell me when you have completed payment)

- bluecrayonlady