#9 — AJCuff

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TITLE:

“When Stars Align (SEPTIPLIER)”

First of all, I love the title, “When Stars Align”! It gives your story an airy feel before I've even read the story. It makes the story sound magical and I love it so much!

The only criticism I have is adding the 'Septiplier’ part in caps and in parenthesis. Between the cover and the description, it's easy to infer that the story is a Septiplier story. Maybe instead of adding it in caps, maybe just in regular text, or after a dash, like this “|”? I dunno what it's called, sorry.

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STORY DESCRIPTION:

“• When Stars Align •

→ Soulmate AU by A. J. Cuff

    Struggling through his Sophmore year at Cincinnati University, Mark Fischbach has lost his sense of purpose. With the burden of losing his father on his chest, he faces a bleak and colorless world - that is, until he goes to Vica Museum.

Whilst being there, Mark stumbles upon a special canvas. Struck with surprise by how much a certain painting looks like him, he meets the Irish painter, Sean "Jack" Williams McLoughlin. In a world where soulmates meet lifetimes over and over, it seems that Mark's life is about to be turned upside down.

It was fortold in the stars - now they must dance.

                                -

*Images by cartoonjunkie on DeviantArt”

Firstly, I think, personally, that adding your title again in the description is a little redundant. It looks good, but we already see it when we click on the book, so there’s no reason to add it again in the description. I like how it has the little black dots beside them ― do these have any official names? I think you should put that as your title, it really draws my eye to it, and I like it alot.

I also liked how you added it as a ‘Soulmate AU’ with the arrow ― again, very aesthetically pleasing ― but you have it as ‘By A.J. Cuff’ and not ‘Absolutely_Positive’. Now, I know (since I’m your friend) that you’re trying to get more eyes on your other account for original works, your A.J. Cuff account, and I think that’s great! But, if you have the story on this account, then doesn’t it make sense to have that it is by ‘Absolutely_Positive’ on your description instead of A.J. Cuff? I mean, all of your followers are on here, and people who see your story in passing will see it on your Absolutely_Positive account, so, to me, it makes more sense to have it tagged as Absolutely_Positive instead of A.J. Cuff. Or, you could simply merge both accounts together and give your Absolutely_Positive account a rework, rebranding it as A.J. Cuff in order to keep the followers and the support.

Okay, now into your hook, line, and sinker.

“Struggling through his Sophmore year at Cincinnati University, Mark Fischbach has lost his sense of purpose. With the burden of losing his father on his chest, he faces a bleak and colorless world - that is, until he goes to Vica Museum.”

I like this. Immediately, were exposed to a dilemma ― Mark is struggling in his life, he lost his dad, and he may be depressed. I personally think that adding that he goes to Cincinnati University isn’t very important, you can say that he is college student struggling, but Cincinnati seems very specific (Is that important? I don’t know the specific details about Mark and his origin, sorry.) But, overall, it really pulls me into the story. If I have a connection with Markiplier and looking for some ― steamy ― Septiplier fanfic, I would love the background, the fact that it has a bit of angst to get started, and the personal connection with his father. (Is his dad deceased in the real world, or is it just apart of this story?)

“Whilst being there, Mark stumbles upon a special canvas. Struck with surprise by how much a certain painting looks like him, he meets the Irish painter, Sean "Jack" Williams McLoughlin. In a world where soulmates meet lifetimes over and over, it seems that Mark's life is about to be turned upside down.”

I just want to mention that you say he “stumbled upon a canvas”, but you never specified that Vica Museum was an art museum ― maybe in the hook, you can add Vica Museum of Art, just to be clear?

The second line works fine and runs very smoothly with the first, so I like that (I’m a sucker for those kind of things.) (This is also the first time I’ve actually seen Jacksepticeye’s full name, Jesus, he’s so irish.)

The third line kind of irks me, because the way it sounds, it makes it seem like it should be in the beginning opposed to at the end of the second paragraph. “In a world where soulmates meet lifetimes over and over, it seems that Mark's life is about to be turned upside down.” Sounds like it should be before “struggling through his Sophmore year at Cincinnati University, Mark Fischbach has lost his sense of purpose.”

If I had to refurbish your description, I’d put it as, “In a world where soulmates meet lifetimes over and over, it seems that Mark Fischbach’s life as a college sophomore is about to be turned upside down. With the burden of losing his father on his chest, he faces a bleak and colorless world ― that is, until he goes to Vica Museum of Art.

Whilst being there, Mark stumbles upon a special canvas. Struck with surprise by how much a certain painting looks like him, he meets the Irish painter, Sean "Jack" Williams McLoughlin. It was fortold in the stars ― now they must dance.”

By the way, I love that last line (except foretold is spelt with an ‘e’.) It really brings the mystical closure that the story hints.

All in all, I love the description! Short, neat, provides the information we need to start the story and really draws the reader in!

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WRITING:

First of all, I LOVE the aesthetics in your stories! The little dots and dashes, it makes me smile. It’s neat and properly placed and I love it. I also love the little emoji you added ― it’s very fitting and actually looks very professional.

The first chapter was amazing, very nicely detailed and it really accented Mark’s behaviours, thoughts and actions. A lot of writers (including myself) have a difficult time finding and using the correct adjectives.

For me, it’s like putting together a puzzle and having a piece that looks right, but doesn’t fit. When I read the first chapter, it’s like you immediately know what word to describe whom and how to use it. I love that (especially since I have such a hard time at it). It gives the reader’s mind a chance to imagine the characters, the scene and the little details in the room. It helps a lot and provides more for the story to make it fuller ― well done!

I also like the references to other characters, and the introduction to characters who I know will be important later on. For example, Marzia, I know her and I suspect she will be important in the story. I like the quirkiness of Mr. Klein, I like how he interacts with Mark and how Mark is immediately turned off by him. With his darker ‘atmosphere’ he’s kind of like comic relief and it’s funny!

Overall, the writing and execution is phenomenal. I didn’t see many grammatical errors and the descriptiveness of the setting and characters was great. I love how the story flows and how the introductions of the new characters seem natural instead of forced as they usually do (and are).

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PLOT HOLES:   

I didn’t find any plot holes, but I did think of a few questions.

•   Was it the ‘top of the morning’ when Jack said ‘top of the morning to ye’ or was it mid-afternoon? If so, then shouldn’t he say, ‘mid of the day to ye’? Just a silly thought.

•   I think this was subtle foreplay, but when he saw the painting of the Gaelic Prince, were you hinting that in this universe, people may have the ability to see or envision their soulmates before meeting them? If so, does it only work for people with the affinity for visual art, or can someone describe small details about them, or think of them from a dream? Or, write stories unknowingly using them as their main characters? I don’t know, it seems like there could be a lot in this universe and I find it interesting how you write for it.

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GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND SPELLING:

I honestly didn’t see any. Either, I’ve gone illiterate or you’re just an amazing writer (and since I can write that sentence, I’ll bet my money on the second one.).

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CHARACTER ORIGINALITY:

Since the character your writing is based on a real person, I can’t say there is originality. However, the way you describe Mark and his feelings is original and the small things he does, such as his love for art is original, so I’ll give you props for that.

What I really love is how the characters besides Mark are displayed ― their emotions, the things they react to, their conversations ― they’re all interesting and unique and real. I feel like in a real life conversation, given the circumstances in your story, that would be how the characters interact with each other, and I love it.

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EXTRA TIP(S):

•   Maybe merge your accounts? It’s okay to have fanfiction and original writing on the same account, people do it all the time, and they get far! If you keep all of your stories in one place and one environment, it makes it easier to manage them. If you want to drop the title of Absolutely_Positive, then drop it, but you don’t have to have seperate accounts for that, you feel me?

•   I wouldn’t say completely rewrite your description, but just resentence it, so that it flows better.

•   (wAtCh YoUr PrOfAnItY!1!!1!!!!)

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RECOMMENDATION LEVEL:

10/10 ― Would definitely recommend.