#6 ― yoorrie

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GENRE:

Chick lit, humour, teen fiction

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TITLE:

The Adonis Project

The title is very interesting. I actually didn't know what 'Adonis' meant ― but I swear I've heard it from somewhere. . . ― so I had to google it.

So, when I did, I got this: "Definition of Adonis. 1: a youth loved by Aphrodite who is killed at hunting by a wild boar and restored to Aphrodite from Hades for a part of each year. 2: a very handsome young man."

I knew I heard it from somewhere! I love mythology! So, now I'm already really hyped and excited to read the story!

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STORY DESCRIPTION:

"The Adonis Project.

Namine Evans has taken a dare.

A dare on what you may ask?

A dare in which the school's biggest geek-slash-nerd, whatever you call him, transforms into the campus hottie before the Winter Ball.

Can she do it?"

Personally, I don't like descriptions like this. I understand it's supposed to add an air of mystery, but to me, it feels almost incomplete. You don't have to change it! That's just my personal opinion, but let's go over your hook, line, and sinker, though.

Your hook: "The Adonis Project. Namine Evans has taken a dare."

Can I just say that I love that name? Namine~! Such a pretty name! Anyways, I like how you start it, Namine Evans has taken a dare. It makes the Readers think what kind of dare? Is it dangerous ― well, based on the title and the meaning of Adonis, it can't be, but still. Like I said, the air of mysterious, which is a great thing to have in a story. It gets the Readers to click on the shiny orange 'Read' button.

Line: "A dare on what you may ask? A dare in which the school's biggest geek-slash-nerd, whatever you call him, transforms into the campus hottie before the Winter Ball."

This part answers the question above that the Reader asked themselves, You continue to answer with "A dare in which the school's biggest geek-slash-nerd, whatever you call him, transforms into the campus hottie before the Winter Ball." I'm not impressed with this line because, first of all, I do not like 'bad boy falls for geek girl' stories, Wattpad already has a hell of a lot of them already. However, your story is different, it's like the 'popular' girl is going to change the geek boy, which I personally haven't seen before, so I'm strangely excited.

However, what I don't like is that after describing the poor boy you're going to use to perform a sailor moon transformation, you then add 'whatever you call him'. You already called him what he is, why would you add 'whatever you call him'? Again, this is a personal thing that I saw that just threw me off while I was analyzing your story.

Next, your sinker: "Can she do it?"

Again with that air of mystery! I love it! There really isn't anything I can say about this, mostly because it's only four words, but overall I really liked your review, so well done!

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WRITING:

I like how you opened up the story with a definition. I like learning new words, so I thought that was pretty cool.

As I am going through your story, I'm seeing a lot of amateur mistakes, like adding an excessive amount of exclamation marks and question marks (?!?!!!). To me, that signals immaturity, because it makes the story seem a little cliche.

Also, I don't like how you have the main character narrating the story with her thoughts. Putting myself in her shoes, I don't walk around thinking, 'Hello, my name is Happyritas, I'm in tenth grade. That's my brother, and we're both hella nerdy.' That's kind of. . . weird, ya know? Not that it's bad, but it's just a weird way to introduce a character. Adding to the fact that nearly every other story does that too, it's borderline annoying.

When I was reviewing 'Frozen Fire' I came across this issue too. What I suggested was for her character, who was also applying for a job, to write out their name on a job application, so that way the Reader learns who they are in an indirect way. I suggest the same with you. Maybe have her be running a bit late and her brother is like, 'Namine whatever your middle name is Evans if you don't get your snail ass down here,' et cetera. That way, you learn her name, and you learn that she has a close relation with her brother, since he referred to her as such, You could do the same with Kaden, in fact, you already do. We can see that she has a close relationship with him by the way he hugs her as soon as they see each other, and her immediate action is trying to pull away. You won't let a complete stranger hug you, so it's pretty safe to assume that they must be friends.

What I'm trying to say is that you can show all the things that she's thinking using body language and how other characters react to one another. You don't have to tell the story with italics.

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PLOT HOLES:

- She is currently parentless.

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GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND SPELLING:

Just give your story a bit of editing, and you should be fine. I like your writing style anyway, so you're pretty good for now.

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CHARACTER ORIGINALITY:

To me, Namine seems like the basic white girl of the story. I understand, this is the first chapter, and there are only two chapters so far, but I feel like she is the copy of a copy of a copy, et cetera. This might just be my own bias against chick lit stories, but I simply do not like stories like this and characters like her. It's like reusing the same cookie cutter over and over and over again to the point that it's so worn that it won't even make the cookie in the proper shape anymore.

Don't follow the 'bad boy falls in love with geeky Neko girl' bandwagon! Make your own characters! It's one thing to make a character that is inspired by another person's character, but it's a whole other thing to make a character that is completely similar to another.

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EXTRA TIP(S):

- Try making Namine more round, she seems a bit flat right now. Meaning, try to add small things that she does, like quirks, or more details about her character. Especially since I have no idea what she even looks like right now.

- Don't tell your story in italics. Remember what I said about using body language and mood between characters.

- I really do love that name Namine. Might name my kid that, lol.

- This story has a lot of potentials! Think of it like that one kid in high school with an awful case of acne. Get rid of those bumps and the story is beautiful. I really cannot wait for what you have in store for the rest of this story!

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Hey y'all! Sorry I've been super inactive for the past two weeks. I just started an internship in DC and a job >~<"! However, things have definitely calmed down now, so I'll be more active, hopefully.

I hope you guys enjoyed this! I'll see y'all next time and remember...

Don't melt!
~ Happyritas <OOO