#8 ― YallLoveJae

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TITLE:

Shes Special

I like it, it's straight to the point, and tells me something about the main character immediately. However, there should be an apostrophe (') between the 'e' and the 's'. Therefore, it should be 'She's Special' not 'Shes Special'. Simple mistakes like these turn readers away.

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STORY DESCRIPTION:

"This takes place when the Avengers surrounding Loki in Stark Tower. With all of them pointing there weapons/powers at him.

What if Fury had a baby girl 14 years ago and she was kidnapped by Loki when she was a baby. What Is she was more powerful then the Avengers thought?

READ TO FIND OUT

(/^▽^)/ （ΦωΦ） (-^〇^-) (*ﾉ▽ﾉ) (◕‿◕✿) ＼(-_______-;)／ (￣◇￣;) (○'3｀)ﾉ (*￣з￣) ( ･ω･)ﾉ (。･ω･)ﾉﾞ ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ (*≧m≦*) (*≧▽≦) Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ （＞ｙ＜） （＾ｖ＾） ヽ(^。^)丿 (｀・ω・') (☆^O^☆) (★^O^★) (●⌒∇⌒●) o (◡‿◡✿) |°з°| （*＾3＾） |(￣3￣)|"

Before I start, this: "(/^▽^)/ （ΦωΦ） (-^〇^-) (*ﾉ▽ﾉ) (◕‿◕✿) ＼(-_______-;)／ (￣◇￣;) (○'3｀)ﾉ (*￣з￣) ( ･ω･)ﾉ (。･ω･)ﾉﾞ ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ (*≧m≦*) (*≧▽≦) Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ （＞ｙ＜） （＾ｖ＾） ヽ(^。^)丿 (｀・ω・') (☆^O^☆) (★^O^★) (●⌒∇⌒●) o (◡‿◡✿) |°з°| （*＾3＾） |(￣3￣)|" is completely unnecessary. Unless it is apart of the story ― and from what I have seen, it isn't ― it shouldn't be in the story's description. I understand that it's just for 'fun' but, it's very amateur to have in a story and repels serious Readers.

Your hook: "This takes place when the Avengers surrounding Loki in Stark Tower. With all of them pointing there weapons/powers at him." So, right off the bat, we know that the main antagonist in the first movie is involved in the story, and his relations with the Avengers is rather negative. I would not have had started out this way. You start out with 'this' which is not the best way to start anything because it gives no context to what happened before. This could be anything. This could be the Kenan and Kel Show, but you wouldn't know because you didn't specify.

(By the way, there should be a comma (,) between tower and with, not a period. And with should be under case.)

Your line: "What if Fury had a baby girl 14 years ago and she was kidnapped by Loki when she was a baby." This transition makes no sense. To go from 'Loki's boutta get shanked' to 'Fury knocked up a girl' is two completely different things. That's like talking about apples and then the subject changes to a geothermic nuclear apocalypse. Nothing in common. I suggest picking one or the other or go with neither.

Also, you could change 'baby girl' to '14-year-old daughter' and the end of this sentence should have a question mark at the end.

Finally, your sinker. "What Is she was more powerful then the Avengers thought? READ TO FIND OUT." Again, you are completely changing topics, making it hard to follow. Pick one thing to talk about, not three. This is probably a typo, but it should be 'if', and the 'I' in is should be lowercase. Finally, having 'READ TO FIND OUT' at the end doesn't help your story. In fact, it hurts it and usually turns off the Reader.

All in all, this story's description needs a lot of fixing, but give it a few months and a deep scrub, and I think it should be good. I suggest getting a beta reader, or even better, finding someone who knows a lot about the Cinematic Marvel Universe (CMU) in order to give you information and advice about your writing.

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WRITING:

(Just so you know, if you don't own any of the Marvel characters, and only your characters, then you only own your characters. Nothing else. So you don't own 'maybe' a few others, because you only own the ones you created.)

I was not pleased by your writing. The way you write is extremely amateur, but I'll go over it anyway.

You seem like a very playful writer, writing in the spur of the moment. It's something that even I have done in my earlier days of writing, however, it is immature. Frankly, after reading the first couple lines, I couldn't help but sigh. I personally don't like stories that are unrealistic. They repel me. I'm a stickler for grammar and plot lines. Sometimes, if the story seems interesting, but has a bad grammar, I'll ignore it ― sometimes. If I had not been reviewing your story and simply casually reading, I would not read your story not only for the grammar but for the first chapter's plot. There are so many things. . . thrown around, it makes it impossible to follow or grasp a simple understanding of the story and what's going on.

Literally, this story goes like this: "Loki's about to get taken, but wait, there's more! Kalani, I choose you! Then, Kalani punches him for no reason after trying to take Tony's helmet. Then, they take the kid back to SHIELD, where she meets her daddy, plays with Hulk, and realizes that she's special ― roll credits."

As a Marvel die-hard fan, there are so many things that I detest about this chapter and as a writer, there are probably even more things that I can name that are incorrect. First, and foremost, Hulk cannot talk ― it's displayed in both Avengers movies. Also, neither he nor Thor, are stupid. I've seen them both be depicted in such a way, and it's really degrading of their characters.

I was really disappointed in the writing of this story because I was so excited to see an Avengers fanfiction with an African American OC! I love more diversity in fandoms like theses, it's one of the things that make me love writing, actually. But I was certainly not impressed when I read your story, however, I believe that with a lot of hard work, you can improve that.

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PLOT HOLES:

- Where did the box come from?

- When did Loki get the power to summon people with his hands?

- Has Kalani been in this box her entire life? Who are the servants that summoned it?

- What was the significance of her trying to take Tony's helmet?

- If she was easily compromisable and insubordinate to Loki's commands, why would he risk bringing her there as his trump card?

- Did Kalani see Loki as a father figure or as an authority figure? Judging by her reaction when he told her not to play, she said he seemed nice? How does one live with their captor since near birth and decide that he's just nice? Shouldn't they have a stronger relationship, either in love or in hate?

- Why does she still refer to the Hulk as the 'Green Dude' even when Hulk has repeatedly referred to himself in third person POV? He's said his name several times.

- If Loki kidnapped her, why would he continue to give her the surname of a very powerful man? If Kalani were to hear this man ― Director Fury ― and realize that they have the same last name, wouldn't she be able to realize that she may have some connection with him? Why risk that, even though he knows how powerful she might be?

- Why didn't she recognize shoes? Loki wears shoes.

- What does breast growth have to do with the development of the story?

- Why aren't anyone concerned when the Hulk ― a man who could destroy an entire city, if he wanted to (and, did) ― plays with this child that just got back from captivity for fourteen years?

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GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND SPELLING:

I suggest looking over the entire chapter, and if every chapter is like this, then just deep-edit it with bleach. I'll go over the major things, though:

- Capitalizing words like THIS is not necessary. Just italicize something if you want to show emphasis on it.

- Punctuation is key. Leaving sentences without periods, or the lack of commas makes it hard to follow the story.

- Try not to leave two different sets of dialogue in the same paragraph, it makes it hard for the Reader to read the story. For example: "I like cats," says Person A, "So do I," replies Person B. Instead write:

"I like cats," says Person A.

"So do I," replies Person B.

- I see several misspelled words, which could be easily avoided by ― once again ― editing.

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CHARACTER ORIGINALITY:

Kalani seems like a great character, and I really love that name too! However, they have the issue that a lot of characters that I find do: they seem really basic. I don't see and originality in the character that sticks out to me and makes me think ― wow! This is a great character! Nothing that I read about her makes me interested in following it, if anything, she seems like a Mary-Sue.

The only thing I can really tell you for her is to think outside the box; go beyond the meta! Not all characters need to be animal shifters, but if you really want them to be, then make it something that will really stand out to me.

For example, I have an animal shifter character too, her name is Diata. What I think sticks out about her is that she is African and the entire story really circulates around African cultures and beliefs. When writing her story, I, myself learned a lot about African cultures that I didn't know before.

What I'm trying to say is that a little difference goes a long way. If you want to shed a little diversity in Wattpad, be my guest, but try to put a lot of effort into it. You've got a lot of eyes watching you ― five thousand plus, I believe (congrats, by the way)  ― so, try to really put yourself out there. Run far away from the bad boy-wolf girl meta, and do what makes you happy at the same time.

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EXTRA TIP(S):

- Grammar. And spelling, please. I literally had to procrastinate writing this in order to mentally prepare myself for this story. I really cannot stand stories that aren't really written properly. I understand if you wrote it a while ago and you haven't gotten around to deleting it, I have stories like that too but still try. I find that editing old chapters actually helps me spot grammar errors faster in my writing. Think of it as a healthy exercise!

- Your stories are funny, I have to admit, I laughed a bit. But, sometimes, 'humour' can be mistaken for annoyance, and people might leave hate for it. So, be careful, think things through. Try not to write on a limb and hope that it might make someone laugh,

- Be more confident in your writing! Nobody can tell you how your story will work, no matter how hard they try.

- I can't wait to see more from you, and although you may have lost me this time, I think I'll be more persuaded in writings in the future.

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RECOMMENDATION LEVEL:

1/10. Would not recommend.