#4 — By: ShadowSpinner600

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CATEGORY:

Fantasy; dark

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TITLE:

Not So Innocent

I have to be honest, when I first saw your story, really the 'fantasy' part, I sighed, I don't really like fantasy stories on Wattpad because they tend to get really cliche and I hate cliches. Then, I saw 'dark fantasy' and I was like, eh sure, why not.

Then, I read your description and I was like, oh lord, this is gonna be great.

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STORY DESCRIPTION:

"When Lexa was a girl, her mother commanded her to dream. 'Dream' she said, 'Because no person shall be able to contain your thoughts.' Her father was rarely ever around, working the mines far away from their modest home. But he was always a bit more honest. 'Dream, my daughter,' he would say, 'for the life you make in your head will always be better than the one you have received.'

So for the love of her Parents, Lexa did dream. When she was six she dreamed of her life as a princess, how she would have the finest dresses and the finest of manners and the finest of company.

When she was ten she dreamed of the throne that she would sit on. It would be bathed in rose gold, and it would be for her. Only for her.

And when she was sixteen, she still dreamed of that palace. She still dreamed of the prince that awaited her. She still dreamed of that throne.

But this time, the throne would be bathed in blood instead of gold.

And All of it would be for her.

This is not the story of a sweet, innocent princess to be. This is the story of a bloodthirsty, malicious queen. One that's willing to do anything- break anything- to get what she wants. Even if that means her own heart."

Honestly, there isn't much I have to say for this, but let's go over your hook, line, and sinker anyway.

Your hook: "When Lexa was a girl, her mother commanded her to dream. 'Dream' she said, 'Because no person shall be able to contain your thoughts.' Her father was rarely ever around, working the mines far away from their modest home. But he was always a bit more honest. 'Dream, my daughter,' he would say, 'for the life you make in your head will always be better than the one you have received.'"

All I have to say in this is that when you finish a part of a dialogue, but it's still part of the sentence, then add a comma (,). So, when she says, "'Dream'" it should really say "'Dream,'". It tells the Reader that there's more to come after that sentence. Also, you can start your sentences with 'but' but it looks better if you say something like, 'however' or 'on the contrary,' and so on. It's just the aesthetics and it makes you look more professional. Otherwise, it was phenomenal! It definitely grabs my attention!

Your line: "So for the love of her Parents, Lexa did dream. When she was six she dreamed of her life as a princess, how she would have the finest dresses and the finest of manners and the finest of company.

When she was ten she dreamed of the throne that she would sit on. It would be bathed in rose gold, and it would be for her. Only for her.

And when she was sixteen, she still dreamed of that palace. She still dreamed of the prince that awaited her. She still dreamed of that throne.

But this time, the throne would be bathed in blood instead of gold.

And All of it would be for her."

Again, simple grammatical and spelling errors. 'Parents' should be lowercase. You should probably use a different word than finest over and over again, it gets a bit repetitive. Try a thesaurus, it works wonders. It should be, 'when she was six (,) she dreamed of her life as a princess (.)', and so on for the rest. Finally, 'All' should be lowercase.

And finally, your sinker: "This is not the story of a sweet, innocent princess to be. This is the story of a bloodthirsty, malicious queen. One that's willing to do anything- break anything- to get what she wants. Even if that means her own heart."

I found no faults with this.

Now! What does this tell me, as the Reader? Well, obviously, your character, Lexa is most likely a high-functioning sociopath, but I'll get to that later. 

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WRITING:

Phenomenal writing, it really is amazing. All I would say is give a little more description on the mood and the tone. Lexa is in the high court now, so maybe explain the tension or current political issues a tad bit more. Other than dark magic, is there any problems going on in the kingdom internally? If so, what? What other countries are there in the story and are they on good terms with Thorto? Also, what exactly is their caste system? Are their servants considered slaves in their court — and by this, I mean are they unable to quit or leave their job or do they have free will? What does Prince William stand for? Does he want to preserve his kingdom — meaning everyone, including the people in poverty?

What I think personally is that you dived in too quickly. As I am analyzing your writing I have to learn everything from her interactions with the other members in her court, for lack of better terms. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. In a odd, dark way, it's funny. She's using Adelaide's face, and is acting like Adelaide, but at the same times, I feel like she's slowly dismembering their court. I don't want to give too much, spoilers and all, but their reactions are hilarious — to me that is.

It gets me thinking... If this is how she acts a princess, how will she act as their queen?

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PLOT HOLES:  

In the second chapter, you say the Prince is the heir of Catala, but in the next, he is ruling Thorto? It just confused me a little, is there something I missed?

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GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND SPELLING:

Like I said in the beginning, a few misspells and random errors here and there. It can be fixed with some editing.

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CHARACTER ORIGINALITY:

Okay, this is what really intrigues me! Lexa is most likely a high-functioning sociopath. I'm no psychologist, but I think it's a pretty safe bet that she is. Looking at her character, she expresses quite a few sociopathic characteristics that you would usually see in sociopaths. I was searching an article on sociopathic characteristics and so far I can tell you that she clearly expresses the following:

• Cold, calculating nature – The ability and willingness to use others around them to personal gain.

• Shallow emotions – Lack of real emotion in response to events, limited capacity to feel love.

• Grandiose self image – They might see themselves as someone who is superior to others and sometimes even experiences delusions. A sociopath might see themselves as a fitting ruler of a country or even the world, but might also have delusional beliefs such as seeing themselves as a God or having super powers.

• High IQ – Often sociopaths will exhibit a high IQ which they can use to manipulate and plan.

• Manipulative – Sociopaths use their superficial charm and high IQ to manipulate others to get their ends, and their lack of empathy allows them to do this with no sense of guilt or remorse

• Secretive – Has little need for others and is highly secretive in their actions meaning.

• Lawfulness – Despite popular belief, a sociopath is not likely to be a problem to the law in later life, but rather will seek to find loopholes, to rise to a position of power, or to move to another area so that their behavior is tolerated.

• Compulsive lying – As part of their facade, and as a means to an end, sociopaths are compulsive liars and will rarely speak truthfully making them hard to pin down.

• Sexually deviant – The lack of remorse, guilt or emotional attachments means that the sociopath is happy to have affairs and to engage in questionable sexual activity without questioning their desires.

(I don't quite know about this one yet, but it really sounds like something she would do to help herself gain more trust in their court, and mainly with the Prince.)

As I was reading your story, I noticed theses attributes and I was shocked! Like I said before, I don't read fantasy stories on Wattpad much, but this goes above and beyond the limitations of Wattpad's stories! Where is your publisher?! This story is truly a diamond in the rough and I believe that it will succeed far past what Wattpad has to offer!

Coming back to my point, your character intrigues me because you could compare Lexa to BBC Sherlock, Jim Moriarty, who is the main antagonist in Sherlock. This brings me to think that... With her acting this way and being the way she is, is she the antagonist or the protagonist? She may be the main character of the story, but she's by no means a good person! It even says in the description, "This is not the story of a sweet, innocent princess to be. This is the story of a bloodthirsty, malicious queen. One that's willing to do anything- break anything- to get what she wants. Even if that means her own heart."

This also isn't a particularly bad thing, she can be both, or neither. I was simply curious.

The last line hints at something that confuses me a bit. Usually, sociopaths are very keen on their self-preservation. The only thing that matters is their survival, or their status, or their ego, et cetera. That's why you find a lot of narcissistic sociopaths. However, she's willing to do anything to get that throne, to achieve her dream, and we already know that she's prepared to spill as much blood as she needs to do it too — as expressed in the second chapter (excluding the prologue). Is she really willing to put her life on the line just to see herself on the throne? How far is she willing to go for this childhood dream of hers?

And this ties back to my question earlier: If, and when, she, a very dangerous sociopath, finally gets her bloodstained throne, how will she rule?

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EXTRA TIP(S):

- Edit. Edit. Edit. Unlike Lexa, you are human, and humans make mistakes, it's inevitable. So, make sure to go back and double check your writing, just in case.

- Imagery. Remember to appeal to all five senses! You pretty much got seeing and hearing down, but don't forget smell. For example, the library scene (I'm not to say much, for spoiling purposes) say what it smells like, for example, musty, old, relaxing to some. A few extra words doesn't hurt anyone. Also, the prologue could use a bit more description as well.

- Line breaks/time skips. Gotta have 'em. It doesn't have to be fancy, just something that tells us that the setting changed. It just helps the Reader, and makes it easier to follow your story.

- Go see a publisher, or a therapist, because this story needs to be published! And, I'm a bit concerned as to what's brewing in your head. If you came up with someone like Lexa, what else do you have in there...?

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RECOMMENDATION LEVEL:

9.5/10. Would definitely recommend.

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Hey guys! It's late and I'm tired, but I have a few things to point out.

One, if you're going to request book reviews in the future, could you PM me your descriptions. I didn't say it before, but I am now, so please do. Also, I'll probably create an form you would need to fill out in order for me to review, just so I can keep things in order.

Two, seriously, read this story. I swear, this is the story of Alice in Wonderland's character, the Queen of Hearts, but in the Queen's point of view, particularly how she ascended to the throne, which makes it all the more interesting.

Three, I'll most likely finish the other reviews next week, simply because this week is going to be really busy for me, and I want to update a few of my own stories.

Four, if your wondering, the reason why I didn't add a recommendation level to the last two reviews was because A) I thought of it only a few weeks ago, and B) Frozen Fire only had three chapters — four now. I'll most likely add a recommendation level in the future when it grows a bit more.

That's it for tonight, y'all. Like I said, I'm tired, so I'll see y'all next time, and remember...

Don't melt~!
~ Happyritas <OOO