#2 — @chillychan56

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TITLE:

Dreamseeker, The unknown truth

The title is intriguing, as a small reminder that it should be capitalized.

For example, if I were writing a book called 'Attack on Titan', I wouldn't write, 'attack On titan'.

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STORY DESCRIPTION:

"Tonight everyone is in your cell again. Yes, your cell. Because of Eren, you sleep in a cold, quiet cell, with him. Everyone is half asleep, except Hange, who is knocked out right next to you. Erwin and Levi are in chairs, one's they probably took. And for some reason, since you and Hange are in the same bed, Mike and Eren are in the same bed, also. Crazy, right. Well, if you don't read on, you'll never know why and know how much craziness is left to come."

A description for a story should usually draw the reader in, or give the reader an idea of what is going to happen in the story. Although your description is interesting, it doesn't draw me in as a reader to your story.

I suggest shortening it, or try to make it less specific. This way, the reader is much curious as to what will happen in your story, and maybe even why they are all sleeping in your cell together. It makes it much easier to draw in readers and make your story more professional.

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WRITING:

First, as a person who doesn't read many reader-inserts, I think it's very smart of you to put a key in the beginning of the book. Not only does it help me, but it also helps anyone else who wants to read the story!

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GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND SPELLING:

"'[Y~/N]!!!!' Eren had said between a yawn."

The first issue here is that there is an excessive use of exclamation points in this one word. As a writer, I can understand why you did this, but it is very unprofessional to do. If I were to be blindly reading this book and came across this, with it being the first line, I would turn away immediately.

Try to think like a reader. What would a reader want to read? Instead of writing that with so many exclamation marks, maybe try just saying:

"'[Y~/N]!' Eren called loudly, in-between a yawn."

Each sentence conveys the same point, but the second looks more professionally written.

Another thing is that in the third line, you write:

"'What do you mean' you bluntly said with closed eyes."

The issue here is the lack of punctuation. You finished the Reader's question with no puncuation at the end, and a comma in the latter part of the sentence, You should have written:

"'What do you mean?' You said bluntly, with closed eyes."

Again, but conveys the same point, but the other is gramatically correct.

Finally, as I was reading, I saw a lot of astericks ― thats *, if you did not know. Those are never acceptable in writing. If you want to write the action of what a character is doing, do not write "*pants*". Not only is it unprofessional, but it's simply annoying! Leave those for Role-playing, and Role-playing only.

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CHARACTER ORIGINALITY:

From what I've seen so far, the reader is person who really cares for Eren. They seem to be replacing Mikasa's 'mom' role, which I personally do not like. I don't enjoy how the AoT fandom hates on Mikasa for caring for the only people she has left to call 'family'. Well, that and the 'replacing Mikasa' thing is really overused. Try something new, different, and away from the Wattpad meta. Not everyone has to be the badboy werewolf alpha who falls in love with the nerdy, omega girl or whatever — is that how that works? I don't read those type of stories.

But, your character is still honest and likeable, so I enjoy that, good job.

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EXTRA TIP(S):

- Grammar! Run your story through a spell check program, it'll help your stories significantly.

- I'd suggest a new, shorter title. Dreamseeker, The unknown truth, is a bit of a mouthful to say.

- Write your descriptions in third person point of views, it'll work wonders, trust me.

- Think outside badboy, wolf girl, neko meta. Lord knows we have more than enough. Try different ethnicites, or character personalities. Make them unique, so years later, I can look back on them and be like 'wow, that was a great story!'

- The Reader's personality is pretty flat. Maybe give them a little shape?

- Be yourself. I cannot stress this enough with writers, especially when they're in their fetus stage. Learning and growing is great and all, but there can only be so many stories where the characters all grow up with Eren and then fall in love with him. It's cliche, ironic, and frankly, irritating. Pave the way to your own path, and help others follow you.

- You're doing a great job, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Keep writing and I would love to see more from you in the future!

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RECOMMENDATION LEVEL:

2/10, would most likely not reccomend.